One post a year now apparantly.

Who'd think this blog would die eh?
I certainly did.
I've never really done anything consistently in my life, four years seems to be a magic mark beyond which nothing escapes, almost like a sun giving out light and then exploding into a black hole sucking back everything and more.

That thought both excited and frightens me, i've always idealized the jack of all trades existence, and both despised and was envious of the master of none at the same time. Envious because i knew that i was never capable of it myself and therefore also despising it.

Maybe someday i'll give up shorter dopamine rush related things for things that are more consistent and long term.

Traveling i thought could be such a thing, however, the nature of relationship between travel and work often means one consumes the other, finding that balance itself is something that i find appalling. At the same time, being practical, i realize i cannot just only constantly escape real life, and isnt that what travel is essentially anyway? I can ride/fly as far away from my life as possibly and eventually always have to come back to what it was that i escaped from in the first place, namely myself.
The problems with compartmentalization is exactly that, you can shove things in a box and associate them with certain places, people and situations, but eventually, you're not really dealing with situations (impossible in most cases) and you are unwittingly then again with the box in your hand, only this time, it's grown a bit bigger since the last time and you have new creatures evolving inside it.

The problem with demons in the real world is that the only real demon is within and tragically will only ever die with you. The world outside you is what it is, it has always been and will always be, you are the only paradigm that can change except, people don't change.

Look at it this way, you're an animal. Animals can be trained to hop on a stool and ride a unicycle, conditioned to live among humans, even follow a diet different from the one they've evolved to eat, but essentially an animal is always that, and with the absence of external forces, will revert to it's true nature. What we do then, is just temporarily enforce good behavior, often through force. A tiger will die a tiger, albeit a well behaved one that eats from your hand.

2016!

This has been a strange year, with two months still left to go.
From someone devoid of emotions to someone who felt almost everything in the book, almost. From someone living by the rules of practicality and logic to someone who bent a few (a lot) of them to try and live a little. It truly has been an experience that altered the direction I was evolving in, for the better.
I would’ve never have bought a bike on a whim and used that bike to actually cover many miles on the road, riding alone to discover who I was or riding with a group of friends to discover what bonding with small unit of close friends was.
I would’ve never traveled so much, almost 10 new places and counting, I even had to learn HOW to fully experience a place I was visiting.
I would’ve never committed to pushing myself beyond the small zone I had created for myself that was comfortable and necessarily only involved work.

I’m 30 now, so far, living exactly the life that most 30 year olds would envy, the ability to travel, complete freedom, so strings to anything that could pull me down, loving my job, and yet, something feels incomplete. I don’t know whether that is ever a situation that I could resolve. I’d always want it to feel a bit incomplete, that I think is what will keep me driving to seek new things, new experiences, new people, in the hope of finding that missing piece, and when I find it, it might mean stagnation.

2016 started off with a bang, making tangible lists of things to do largely helped, still have points to complete on it.

You know what? One day though, I’d like to see that sense of completion. One day I would like to give up and retire, mentally, from working on myself. I think.
Live in the middle of a quiet forest or in the mountains or on a beach somewhere and just be. No longer seeking, no longer evolving, no longer curious, rather just living in mental peace. To be constantly curious of new experiences all the time is exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally.. Take my word for it 

I have.

Ever have those times where you have a book trapped in your brain that's chewing on your insides but your body is too numb to notice?
"Everything that's to be written, already has been" I remind myself, thus encouraging the lethargy that got me so far.
Sinking further and further into the weight of my own inaction, a vicious cycle that.
My lips mouth the words "times will change", not even half convincing myself that they will.

I'm susceptible to too many things and every dock I anchor myself to blows away with the first storm that shows up, even me.

Have you looked around then? wondering if this was meant to be?
if this was who you were intended to become? if this was the life that did justice to the journey that you were on all this while?

I have.

I gotta stay High all the time..

How can someone be nostalgic for something they’ve never had
What is this incredible weight with no real substance?
Phantoms weren’t ever meant to be this heavy

I’ll soon realize this was the nightmare I’ve been waiting to have
Maybe I’ve been confusing my demons for angels,
Maybe I’ve been embracing darkness out of this yearning to feel

Feel something, feel anything, feel everything,
When mentally cutting myself wasn’t going deep enough,
Handing over the knife to someone else always seemed to do the trick

People cut, people suck form your wound but oh they also care
Everyone is a saint, a broach of a heart of gold pinned on their lapel
Is what you can see, is what is tangible, is what holds up in court

Soon those wings will come, sprout of my back in a burst of blood and flesh
Metamorphosis is supposed to be painful, evolution is supposed to hurt
And I’ll fly away from this old shell, leaving behind everything tangible

Soaring through the sky in a burst of brilliance and light
Flying higher and higher, closer to the sun, never stopping
Burning up on approach, never to be, never to feel, ceasing to exist.

Alternate realities

Life is so fickle, characterized by constant change and yet here we are, building huge castles on a changing landscape.
Personally I like little wooden cabins. Warm, cozy, compact and non intimidating.
When one gets destroyed, you just move on and build another.

Having said that, I could very well live in a mansion. White picket fence and two and a half kids? I can do that, is there a point though?


I was recently made to read a supposed quote that correlated intelligence to antisocial tendencies. I don't think so.
Being antisocial usually is only indicative of some inherent mental disconnect with the rest of society.
We've not evolved to be antisocial, it isn't in our DNA I'm afraid.
Wanting to be alone just says that you havent found company that you feel completely at home with.

Remember home? That place where you can be you? The place where all masks can be hung at the door and your inner self becomes the outer one? The place where your filters that usually keep your psychopathic ramblings at bay at turned off?
Yea, me neither.

Who are you completely yourself with?
Does such a person even exist for you?

Why can't we be this person then? Is it that such people who will completely accept who you are don't exist or do we really believe that we've evolved to such levels of monstrosity that 'normal' folk shouldn't have to deal with the absolute horror of the people we've become?
Therein lies the weight.

In an alternate reality i'd bet there's a white cowboy version of me who's extremely sociable and outgoing.
Who lives to party and looks forward to meeting others. Maybe this version of me has a completely clean heart too.

I actually am the perfect candidate to believe in afterlife and rebirth. I should right?
That ideally is the only hope i'd have to be the white hatted cowboy.


The only question then being, do I want to be that person.

New Year Resolutions

Giving up people.
Each year only adds more fuel to the fire of my cynicism.


Be more materialistic.
Because that's what the world is. People that tell you it isn't are often deluded and live like I used to, wearing rose colored glasses.


Be a musician.
Because I once was, am not anymore.


Continue the fight to end drama.
I now know with greater clarity what must be done.


Solo trips only, where ever possible
Because I've made my decision that I'm better off dying alone anyway, no need to be nice about it.


Game.
Because in a virtual world, things are in control and if they're not, I can rage quit and burn the console.


Fight Desire.
Desire nothing. Wanting anything is bad.


Healthier
I definitely need to not die climbing a flight of stairs.


Drink.
Yes. Just that. Drink more. Socially, Alone, whatever.


Live Alone
because most of these things are only possible when that happens. Make a rule to never invite anyone over.

So much to say, so much to say

Pent up thoughts that are almost on the verge of breaking the mental dam that keeps them from gushing out unfiltered in the world made me realize that this place used to be a safe haven where i could safely and in a controlled manner offload certain parts of the madness.
Why this ceased is a question that I'm not sure i have the answer to at the moment, but I'm sure my brain will retrospectively make one up so as to bring reason into the seemingly random act.

Having said that, I now need to align my thoughts and then be back, with hopefully newer things to make you think about.
Until then, adieu.