I honestly wish I'd never known love.
People say, its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, they've never suffered the heartbreak that ensues from most relationships. Heartbreak isn't something that cures with time or that fades away upto a point where it ceases to exist. It is permanent and will always linger around to haunt you. For, you never forget those people you lost your heart to and never will completely be able to desensitize your emotions to them.
Me? I've suffered my share of heartbreaks and loves lost. Some a result of bad luck but most self inflicted, and it just gets worse. If only you could anesthetize that part of your brain that processes love, you'd be in a much more ideal place, I know I would be.
Each love lost is like a wound or gash on your body, most of these are incurable and will fester until you find yourself sitting in solitude wasting precious tears in nostalgia. Mind you, I use the word nostalgia here because of how it aptly describes this state of being. A yearning to return to the good life once lived, however inappropriate or impractical this may be to achieve in modern day.
Of course the person in question has definitely changed and/or has moved on to what they think is a better life and place for them on this earth, Its just you that are incapable of change, or so you'll be lead to think. Don't be fooled, everyone walks around with bits of their past looming over their heads threatening to destroy a future that hasn't even played out yet.
Of course the catharsis of my emotions hasn't really reached completion and it requires me to grow mentally to a certain pre-requisite before I can move onwards in my journey towards eternal sunshine. Until that day, I'll just lay here amongst my negativeness and resentment and at the same time feelings of loneliness and general abandonment. Scrutinizing each and every particle that made up all my previous relationships to appease my ego, in knowing that I did all I could from keeping my love life from falling apart.
Love may change the lives of people for the positive, with most however, its just the most painful emotion/experience they will ever feel!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Bowls of crazy? Not for me please..
It's true, I can't stand religious zealots and fanatics, I just can't. Someone about conversing with them makes me want to skewer them through the nostrils. But alas, my neighborhood, if not the world, seems full of their sorry kind.
Their conversation, not even in the minutest way akin to the nonsense but endearing ramblings of the slightly deranged, is slightly overpowering and demanding. Their tone, authoritative and egoistic and their demeanor unsettling.
Their perceptions of how the masses should think, behave and react is far from what is considered normal and is 'taught' to us and our kids to compensate for the fact that we, as humans we not suppose to have these attributes ingrained in the first place!
But even that alone wouldn't have been enough to make this fence sitter pick a side and spew venom at the 'enemies', but that's what they are!
Enemies of free will and free thought! Selling ideas of a great sky GOD being displeased with us should we choose to disregard his rules of living.
The lunatics who believe this in the first place are welcome to their bowl of nonsense, but it is when they offer me a spoonful is where I begin to have a problem with their life. Offering me a spoon of your crazy, in my head, allows me the privilege of not only disregarding your notions and practices, but taking it down with the heaviest bulldozer available. And oh, no hard feelings, its not personal!
So I urge you, ardent reader, if someone offers you a bowl of crazy, be it filled with religious juice or otherwise, you're fully entitled to your view on how it tastes! The faster we cleanse the world of extremists, the safer our minds will be from the constant subtle efforts to control it by these people.
Their conversation, not even in the minutest way akin to the nonsense but endearing ramblings of the slightly deranged, is slightly overpowering and demanding. Their tone, authoritative and egoistic and their demeanor unsettling.
Their perceptions of how the masses should think, behave and react is far from what is considered normal and is 'taught' to us and our kids to compensate for the fact that we, as humans we not suppose to have these attributes ingrained in the first place!
But even that alone wouldn't have been enough to make this fence sitter pick a side and spew venom at the 'enemies', but that's what they are!
Enemies of free will and free thought! Selling ideas of a great sky GOD being displeased with us should we choose to disregard his rules of living.
The lunatics who believe this in the first place are welcome to their bowl of nonsense, but it is when they offer me a spoonful is where I begin to have a problem with their life. Offering me a spoon of your crazy, in my head, allows me the privilege of not only disregarding your notions and practices, but taking it down with the heaviest bulldozer available. And oh, no hard feelings, its not personal!
So I urge you, ardent reader, if someone offers you a bowl of crazy, be it filled with religious juice or otherwise, you're fully entitled to your view on how it tastes! The faster we cleanse the world of extremists, the safer our minds will be from the constant subtle efforts to control it by these people.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Childhood Sweethearts and Secret Crushes
Another one of my childhood crushes sets a date to be tied up forever to another man.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.
You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.
With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.
As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.
Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.
Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.
You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.
With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.
As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.
Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.
Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Someone to Love
We go through this life with one hope. That we're loved and that we find people to love. Love maybe overrated in the practical scheme of things but at a certain level, we all crave for it, if not even in the smallest quantities.
And when that defining day comes around, when we've finally managed to find that someone who loves us for the complicated people that we are, it is up to us, at that moment to define how the next few years of our lives are going to turn out.
You can either acknowledge the person's love and respect their love or you can spurn their feeling and leave them with the bitter taste of rejection and live with the guilt all your life.
Or you can do what sometimes comes naturally, love the person for having loved you. Cherish that feeling, for in this world it does not come often. Its tough to find someone who kisses when you awaken with honest admiration. Someone who hugs you exactly when and how you want it. Someone who throws their own state of being out of the window to accommodate you. Someone who modifies their ego to let you be the adviser, decision maker and the protector.
You'd have to have a pretty good reason to turn someone who truly loves you down, its easy to find people to love, but almost impossible to find people to love you the way you want to be loved.
And when that defining day comes around, when we've finally managed to find that someone who loves us for the complicated people that we are, it is up to us, at that moment to define how the next few years of our lives are going to turn out.
You can either acknowledge the person's love and respect their love or you can spurn their feeling and leave them with the bitter taste of rejection and live with the guilt all your life.
Or you can do what sometimes comes naturally, love the person for having loved you. Cherish that feeling, for in this world it does not come often. Its tough to find someone who kisses when you awaken with honest admiration. Someone who hugs you exactly when and how you want it. Someone who throws their own state of being out of the window to accommodate you. Someone who modifies their ego to let you be the adviser, decision maker and the protector.
You'd have to have a pretty good reason to turn someone who truly loves you down, its easy to find people to love, but almost impossible to find people to love you the way you want to be loved.
Vulnerable people
We're terribly vulnerable as people. Emotionally and mentally susceptible to any kind of manipulation and deceit..
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.
Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.
Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hidden Dreams
Sadly, the only thing holding me back from my dream is myself. Although, isn't it elementally always so? I've always wanted to be a famous guitarist as far back as I can remember. Lets just say wanting to be a musician does not really go down well with my the caretakers of my life, or so I told myself. Now, Im free, independant and yet unable to make the final leap.
Im harshly reminded of the life Im missing every time I go watch friends play and yet..
What IS it Desmond. What'll it take!
Ahh soon I hear myself say.. Soon this shall pay off. 'Bigger picture' i keep telling myself.
A world with more securities I tell myself.
I'll soon be living the perfect life.. The dream life. Someone else's dream life.
While someone else lives mine.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Go ahead, be selfish.. Its genetic.
I've been reading up on this gene known only to geneticists as the 'selfish gene'. This might ring some bells to all you literary types out there as also being the title of one of Richard Dawkins books.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.
What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.
What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.
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