Questions from a friend

Been a bit depressed of late.
Its the past coming back from the dead to haunt me.
You think you've run far enough to get out of reach of those demons? well.
I've come to a stage where every single action from my past is being recalled and scrutinized with a magnifying glass. I've always considered myself to have a bad memory and I'm a bit disappointed to know that when needed, my brain can recall every little detail of events.
Every scent, every feeling, every picture and every little heartbreaking moment.
This suddenly onslaught of emotions is more than what I'm apparently prepared to handle. Just hope I manage to keep it together long enough to make it through to the new year.
On the other hand, I've discovered that I'm able to write with much more mental clarity when in a state of what is i hope temporary depression.

Depression. That's a funny word, isn't is.

Wish I could go back to my past and relieve certain moments,, but that would never happen. those moments will stay as they are, immortalized in my memory, reminiscent of the good times that were, times that I know I'll never have back.
And was it worth it? Was forgoing those times worth it? I'll never know.
All i know is at the time, my reasons seem solid.


Here's to answer a question to a friend.
What if, my the good graces of the universe, I was given a chance again, with the same people and the same scenarios as before. Would I consider indulging in them again or would my initial reasoning and resolve be strong enough to deter me from falling into the same traps as before.
I don't know, I really don't.
All i can say is, I've grown as a person and so have other people. But still, I'd give the person a chance, In fact, this is true with all my 'friends'. They get what is one chance a year. One chance to prove that they're worth the time I'm going to be wasting on them in the forthcoming year. If they're not a value addition in any aspect, I can't be bothered with their presence at all. Its a selfish way of life, but like i've recently read, Life's too short to meet friends who are going to rob expensive time of your life and waste it with gossip.

Similarly, give everyone from your past a chance. Maybe you'll suddenly discover you're compatible with them and you'll hit it off fabulously. If not, you'll know exactly why you don't want them around you, but at the least you get some closure, some finality to the relationship instead of it remaining a permanent open ended question.

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Want/NEED a quiet dark corner..

The trouble with putting your self out there for people is that they soon become complacent and shed their own self sufficiency to completely be dependent on what it is that you do for them/to them.
That is a horrible, horrible thing to have happened to you if you seek personal space and like your own quiet mental time. Don't get me wrong, Im not a real misanthrope, not all of the time anyway. It just that at certain times, I just well, disdain general company. Mainly, if not only, for the reason that most people around aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Suits of flesh filled with artificial values and hardcoded with nonsense of the utmost self labeled importance. People that propagate false images of even who they are and what they think. People who, for that matter, do not even realize themselves, what it is they are and what it is they want.
So I'm sorry, but leave me the hell alone. I'd rather live and finally die alone than swim in a sea of mediocre pretentious conversations about who owns which brand and what your friends did to try and impress some other douchebags whose opinions would count exactly as much as fat woman in a catsuit.
Leave me the hell alone before I take out that hidden suitcase of insult humor I've been saving up for when I'm old. And mostly, leave me the hell alone to at the least, help me preserve my sanity.
For some of us, that's all we have left.

Regret is not an emotion I can afford

I strive to maintain a calm demeanor and a peaceful, healthy and positive outlook towards life. For this, regret is not really an emotion I have the luxury of. True I may indulge in its pleasures and I use this word carefully, but I cannot afford.
I try my best to not let my past catch up with the present. The results would be catastrophic to my very essence. Having experienced this before, I know that the result would be characterized by bouts of depression, with me spiraling all the way to the bottom of the barrel.
I need to grow stronger. Much stronger.
For, after a period of having successfully conquered my demons, I've discovered that I hadn't really truly conquered them in the first place. Some of them still survive in the dark recesses of my weak mind.
Misguided emotions have a funny way of finding your weak spots and going all kamikaze on them. For that is exactly what they are. You're almost never really feeling what is the underlying emotion, only secondary emotions which are a result of the first.
I know this. I've realized it. I've identified the primary emotion and studied it as a subject.
And yet.
Falling prey to yourself is the worst kind of injustice people go through. It is when you body does not allow you to dream, act or think the way you want to, by simply putting in place mechanisms for self destruction. These mechanisms are designed so ingeniously that they almost seem invisible to even yourself.
Will I ever get out of the mental soup I seem to be marinating in?
Most definitely.
Only because at the moment, my entire existence has been dedicated to getting out of this rut. It is only when strength comes from within and when my mind is a fortress that I'll be ready for the world.
Until then, you'll find me sitting in the corner, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.

As calm as a dragonfly

Have you ever had the pleasure of observing a dragonfly?
Now they're not usually known for their calm demeanor, but if you're lucky, one of them might just settle down close enough to captivate you by its stillness.
A dragonfly has the ability to be as still as rock, staring at which may actually appear to slow down time itself creating a unique bokeh around it.
You get a chance to observe in vivid detail the wonders of nature in all its glory at work and gazing long enough bring about a strange sense of calm within yourself too.
Time itself freezes to allow you enough of vantage view of this beautiful spectacle.
Gripping on to the branch this particular dragonfly was perched upon, it gazed right through me forcing me to strengthen my own resolve. It looked right though my soul and down to my very essence. Yet, it is all but a lowly form of life at the bottom of the intelligence pyramid.
How dare he then! The very audacity of the idea! Ludicrous! Dragonflies aren't equipped with that kind of reasoning. They do not possess the wonderful gift of looking through a person's personality and recognizing and pointing out the strengths and weaknesses and yet, the longer I hold his gaze, the more convinced I am of his mental superiority over me.
For, a creature of such calm must surely have got it right! hasn't it? Or are my own insecurities so abundantly evident and so dangerously close to my skin that they come bursting forth at the slightest sign of confrontation!

Today, something as lowly as a dragonfly taught me a valuable lesson is how prepared I thought I was for this life. For it is only when you finally leave your own assorted bags of insecurity behind in your struggle for survival can you truly move on. It is only then that you can look another person straight into his eyes and into his very soul, confident that if he does the same, nothing untoward would pour out from your own plethora of insecurities, because none such would exist.

Another day, another lesson learned.

In a nutshell - In a shell....nut.

I seem compelled to lie in a state of mind numbing static, unable to clutch on the fleeting straws of hope that seem to be fast fading.
When will I be left alone to lie in my own pool of self pity and self degradation so that I may relentlessly ponder over the seemingly absurd paths I've chosen at each of the crossroads of my life and aggrieve my own life by dissecting every wrong decision Ive made and the ones I eventually will.

I've never believed I could ever amount to greatness even through copious amounts of inspirational speeches and words of advice from social allies and adversaries alike. How dare they suggest that I would or worse yet, should willingly deviate from my path of self destruction. I know where I'm heading. I'm heading towards complete annihilation of pure thought and self confidence, probably because Ive been reminded, time and yet again, that maybe self confidence would lead to my eventual downfall.
In a perfect universe, I'd make the perfect paradox.

I crave spotlight and the center stage but shun any means of getting there. I wait for opportunities that I will eventually pass up on for no earthly reason.
My reasoning is always intact and flawless, only to myself. It's the kind of thought process that isn't transferable because years of emotional degradation is transferable in a couple of minutes, or so I convince myself is the real reason. My arrogance and loyalty to this thought process convinces me that this makes me elitist and is the very fabric of what makes me, me. Alas.

I'll never grow out of this state and my personality will always be engaged in a constant war with my sensibility. Its the part of me that craves the spotlight vs the part of me that wants to lie in my own waste in a dark corner overcome with lethargy and self loathing. One personality will soon emerge the winner and although that is a desirable outcome, the war will most likely resulting in chaos and ultimately, the destruction of my mental framework leaving me in mental limbo, locked with all my demons in a state of seamless eternity.

Destroyed by emotion.

You came in and wreaked my heart.
Unable to love again, Im now cursed to walk around these earthly realms filled with a state of emotionless agony.
Unable to feel that purest emotion, I belittle it, calling it names and pretending to misunderstand, while all the while I know exactly what describes it and desire it for myself! But alas.
I thought I was resilient. Resilient to outside philosophies and outside conditioning, I guess I was wrong. All it took was a practical thinker to submerge my feelings in a pool of water and hold it there until it stopped struggling and just lay still in your arms.
I know this is not how you expected it to be, although, there weren't all that many possible outcomes to our situation, all of them with a similar storyline and ending.
Shallow and hollowed out, it feels like all the good insides have already been consumed, the only remnants now being the empty dark rotting shell reminiscent of the life and love it used to contain.
Unable to feel it myself, I only feel a new found disdain for people who are still innocent enough to love and nonacceptance towards the love of others.
The say that time cures every wound and although I live in hope, my frail heart does not want to seem to let up for the fear of being destroyed all over again.

Even though an eternal pessimist, I'd still like to believe that good things exist out there. Although my heart's rubbed raw and most of my emotions have been long gone, I'd like to believe i've love again someday. This world's too horrible a place when realization of being alone sets in. Everyone apparently needs someone to love and maybe so do I, or so I've been told.