The Space Between

Its really easy to fall between the spaces in between life's little trials and tests.
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.

Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings

To be contu

Vision of my past.

I can't do this again.
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!

The Urge To please

We do live to please..
So i guess the ultimate question in life comes down to this.
Do we please ourselves or other people?
We usually settle for a fair mix of both to avoid being extremists, but our core personality can only incorporate for one of those personalities. Every action we perform, every word that comes out of our mouth that is not a derivative of our core personality is a lie in a very direct way.
SO i guess who we are as people is just a assimilation of how well we can pull off the facade.
There are times wherein our decisions are affected by societal pressures or by our moral code of conduct, but then again, what are these factors but years of conditioning really.
When at the proverbial fork in the road, do we fend for ourselves, or do we give in to please someone else, which in no way would result in self satisfaction..
With me, I choose to please myself. I Choose me.
I like to think that this result from a state that Christans describe as 'no soul' or 'no conscience'.
I choose myself because eventually, everyone lets you down. everyone.
And when I look back on these years after a decade or two, when my current peers aren't around, I want to believe that I did everything possible that I could do for myself.
The only constant factor in life, I've decided is my state of being.
Everything else changes. My mindset, my friends, colleges, social networks, my likes, dislikes.
If my state of being is always going to be constant, I might as well give it the respect and credit it deserves. Because in all honestly and possibility, the one person going to be around my state of being in a decade or two, is me.

Low Battery?

Ever has that feeling that you were running low on energy?
I woke up in the morning feeling drained, probably a result of the sleep deprivation and a sudden renewed vigor for outdoor activities, by which of course I mean wasting energy on stressful activities like sipping wine at a pub or having coffee at a café.
Waking up is taken for granted by all those who do. The very fact that you’ve awoken from a state of near comatose seems to paint a picture of high energy consumption. And once awake, well, if you ARE going to be interacting with others, you’ll probably wash up and look presentable.
With all of all the above done, I left home, laptop bag weighing me down more efficiently than any of even my sins have ever done. As I trudged along the road, I knew this wasn’t going to be a day I wanted to subject myself to the horrors of train traveling. Getting into a cab, I shut the door the behind me with a certain satisfaction, finally, the day’s looking up.
“Today’s the perfect day for music”, I’ve convinced myself, and I’ve already decided on what songs are to accompany me through my journey. My psp slowly comes to life and displays the calming background of a water lily in a midst of a small pond. Perfect I think to myself. Until the display light flashes twice and the psp dies right there in my hands. Out of juice. Probably should not have ignored its pleas for being charged the night before. Ahh well.
I switch on my laptop with the thought of using it as a really expensive music player. Sadly, I have about 15 minutes of battery life left, I resign myself to my eventually boredom and shut it off. It’s just one of those days wherein every gadget seems to team up against me, including my phone. Did I not charge you last night I ask myself! I must’ve taken it off charging to send a few messages. Damnth.
Ahh well.. The quiet isn’t so bad, when you’ve planned for it. Unplanned quiet devours you quicker than a fat man does cheese. At least I have my mind and my sanity. Not to mention the two gremlins sitting beside me.

You deserve better

You know that feeling you get in your gut telling you that you deserve better?
Making yourself believe that is sometimes the toughest possible thing in the world.

Honestly, how tough should it be to tell yourself that you deserve better than what crap you are presently being offered!
What causes this state of complacency and acceptance within us?
One possible reason could be that we're never really mentally and emotionally independant enough to break free from our need of dependance on the views and opnions of other people. Eternally insecure as creatures, we constant seek affirmations and approvals from our peers and sometimes even from strangers.

Where does this take you?
You usually end up in working a 12 hour shift that you hate,
You're in a relationship with someone who not only takes you for granted, but also takes advantage of you monetarily and emotionally, sometimes even physically.
You've given up on your hopes and dreams because you don't value yourself enough to ever give yourself or your dreams a fighting chance.
Honestly, if told that you had a week to live, would you still be working in your present job? would you still be in a relationship with that person? would you not jump into your dreams head first with no protective gear what so ever?
What changes then? why give up on life when it becomes long term?

Is all that really related to such an seemingly insignificant aspect known as insecurity?
I'll never know, I still subscribe to the former lifestyle.
I still work in a job that has no long term implications, climbing up the corporate ladder is/was never a big part of my life plan.
Im still attached to emotional leeches.
I've put all my dreams on hold momentarily, hoping to start them with a new vigor anytime soon. And its been a couple of years of that.

Complacency is a horrible disease.
It makes a sprinter lame.
It makes a musician tone deaf.
It makes a romantic person stone cold.
It keeps a dreamer forever suspended in a state of static.
Forever in a dream sequence, to be broken out only by death.

I hope death, and by that i mean the death of this complacency arrives soon.
For it is only after I die once, that i will truly live.
the thought of loosing everything, might just inspire me to live for only the important things.

Making amends

As my resolve gradually dilutes, I look into the mirror to find a weathered and beaten face stare back at me.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.

The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.

And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.

The Ultimate truth

We're all children.
Always were.
Always will be..

Stubborn, bratty, egoistical little kids running around the playground comparing who's got the better toys and who's mom loves him more. Life apparently is ultimately about who's got the best wheels (baby carriage) and who's drinking the best milk.
Who's getting the most attention at the playground from the other children and who the little girl wants to play with.
Who can scream the loudest and who gets the best ice cream.
who can stand on their own two feet, who needs all fours and who needs a helping hand
who is potty trained and who messes up the place including himself.
Who gets hurt easy and who needs a hug every now and then.
who is strong and who is a cry baby.

Seriously.. We're all little infants. Always were, always will be.