Want/NEED a quiet dark corner..

The trouble with putting your self out there for people is that they soon become complacent and shed their own self sufficiency to completely be dependent on what it is that you do for them/to them.
That is a horrible, horrible thing to have happened to you if you seek personal space and like your own quiet mental time. Don't get me wrong, Im not a real misanthrope, not all of the time anyway. It just that at certain times, I just well, disdain general company. Mainly, if not only, for the reason that most people around aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Suits of flesh filled with artificial values and hardcoded with nonsense of the utmost self labeled importance. People that propagate false images of even who they are and what they think. People who, for that matter, do not even realize themselves, what it is they are and what it is they want.
So I'm sorry, but leave me the hell alone. I'd rather live and finally die alone than swim in a sea of mediocre pretentious conversations about who owns which brand and what your friends did to try and impress some other douchebags whose opinions would count exactly as much as fat woman in a catsuit.
Leave me the hell alone before I take out that hidden suitcase of insult humor I've been saving up for when I'm old. And mostly, leave me the hell alone to at the least, help me preserve my sanity.
For some of us, that's all we have left.

Regret is not an emotion I can afford

I strive to maintain a calm demeanor and a peaceful, healthy and positive outlook towards life. For this, regret is not really an emotion I have the luxury of. True I may indulge in its pleasures and I use this word carefully, but I cannot afford.
I try my best to not let my past catch up with the present. The results would be catastrophic to my very essence. Having experienced this before, I know that the result would be characterized by bouts of depression, with me spiraling all the way to the bottom of the barrel.
I need to grow stronger. Much stronger.
For, after a period of having successfully conquered my demons, I've discovered that I hadn't really truly conquered them in the first place. Some of them still survive in the dark recesses of my weak mind.
Misguided emotions have a funny way of finding your weak spots and going all kamikaze on them. For that is exactly what they are. You're almost never really feeling what is the underlying emotion, only secondary emotions which are a result of the first.
I know this. I've realized it. I've identified the primary emotion and studied it as a subject.
And yet.
Falling prey to yourself is the worst kind of injustice people go through. It is when you body does not allow you to dream, act or think the way you want to, by simply putting in place mechanisms for self destruction. These mechanisms are designed so ingeniously that they almost seem invisible to even yourself.
Will I ever get out of the mental soup I seem to be marinating in?
Most definitely.
Only because at the moment, my entire existence has been dedicated to getting out of this rut. It is only when strength comes from within and when my mind is a fortress that I'll be ready for the world.
Until then, you'll find me sitting in the corner, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.

As calm as a dragonfly

Have you ever had the pleasure of observing a dragonfly?
Now they're not usually known for their calm demeanor, but if you're lucky, one of them might just settle down close enough to captivate you by its stillness.
A dragonfly has the ability to be as still as rock, staring at which may actually appear to slow down time itself creating a unique bokeh around it.
You get a chance to observe in vivid detail the wonders of nature in all its glory at work and gazing long enough bring about a strange sense of calm within yourself too.
Time itself freezes to allow you enough of vantage view of this beautiful spectacle.
Gripping on to the branch this particular dragonfly was perched upon, it gazed right through me forcing me to strengthen my own resolve. It looked right though my soul and down to my very essence. Yet, it is all but a lowly form of life at the bottom of the intelligence pyramid.
How dare he then! The very audacity of the idea! Ludicrous! Dragonflies aren't equipped with that kind of reasoning. They do not possess the wonderful gift of looking through a person's personality and recognizing and pointing out the strengths and weaknesses and yet, the longer I hold his gaze, the more convinced I am of his mental superiority over me.
For, a creature of such calm must surely have got it right! hasn't it? Or are my own insecurities so abundantly evident and so dangerously close to my skin that they come bursting forth at the slightest sign of confrontation!

Today, something as lowly as a dragonfly taught me a valuable lesson is how prepared I thought I was for this life. For it is only when you finally leave your own assorted bags of insecurity behind in your struggle for survival can you truly move on. It is only then that you can look another person straight into his eyes and into his very soul, confident that if he does the same, nothing untoward would pour out from your own plethora of insecurities, because none such would exist.

Another day, another lesson learned.

In a nutshell - In a shell....nut.

I seem compelled to lie in a state of mind numbing static, unable to clutch on the fleeting straws of hope that seem to be fast fading.
When will I be left alone to lie in my own pool of self pity and self degradation so that I may relentlessly ponder over the seemingly absurd paths I've chosen at each of the crossroads of my life and aggrieve my own life by dissecting every wrong decision Ive made and the ones I eventually will.

I've never believed I could ever amount to greatness even through copious amounts of inspirational speeches and words of advice from social allies and adversaries alike. How dare they suggest that I would or worse yet, should willingly deviate from my path of self destruction. I know where I'm heading. I'm heading towards complete annihilation of pure thought and self confidence, probably because Ive been reminded, time and yet again, that maybe self confidence would lead to my eventual downfall.
In a perfect universe, I'd make the perfect paradox.

I crave spotlight and the center stage but shun any means of getting there. I wait for opportunities that I will eventually pass up on for no earthly reason.
My reasoning is always intact and flawless, only to myself. It's the kind of thought process that isn't transferable because years of emotional degradation is transferable in a couple of minutes, or so I convince myself is the real reason. My arrogance and loyalty to this thought process convinces me that this makes me elitist and is the very fabric of what makes me, me. Alas.

I'll never grow out of this state and my personality will always be engaged in a constant war with my sensibility. Its the part of me that craves the spotlight vs the part of me that wants to lie in my own waste in a dark corner overcome with lethargy and self loathing. One personality will soon emerge the winner and although that is a desirable outcome, the war will most likely resulting in chaos and ultimately, the destruction of my mental framework leaving me in mental limbo, locked with all my demons in a state of seamless eternity.

Destroyed by emotion.

You came in and wreaked my heart.
Unable to love again, Im now cursed to walk around these earthly realms filled with a state of emotionless agony.
Unable to feel that purest emotion, I belittle it, calling it names and pretending to misunderstand, while all the while I know exactly what describes it and desire it for myself! But alas.
I thought I was resilient. Resilient to outside philosophies and outside conditioning, I guess I was wrong. All it took was a practical thinker to submerge my feelings in a pool of water and hold it there until it stopped struggling and just lay still in your arms.
I know this is not how you expected it to be, although, there weren't all that many possible outcomes to our situation, all of them with a similar storyline and ending.
Shallow and hollowed out, it feels like all the good insides have already been consumed, the only remnants now being the empty dark rotting shell reminiscent of the life and love it used to contain.
Unable to feel it myself, I only feel a new found disdain for people who are still innocent enough to love and nonacceptance towards the love of others.
The say that time cures every wound and although I live in hope, my frail heart does not want to seem to let up for the fear of being destroyed all over again.

Even though an eternal pessimist, I'd still like to believe that good things exist out there. Although my heart's rubbed raw and most of my emotions have been long gone, I'd like to believe i've love again someday. This world's too horrible a place when realization of being alone sets in. Everyone apparently needs someone to love and maybe so do I, or so I've been told.

Love

I honestly wish I'd never known love.
People say, its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, they've never suffered the heartbreak that ensues from most relationships. Heartbreak isn't something that cures with time or that fades away upto a point where it ceases to exist. It is permanent and will always linger around to haunt you. For, you never forget those people you lost your heart to and never will completely be able to desensitize your emotions to them.
Me? I've suffered my share of heartbreaks and loves lost. Some a result of bad luck but most self inflicted, and it just gets worse. If only you could anesthetize that part of your brain that processes love, you'd be in a much more ideal place, I know I would be.

Each love lost is like a wound or gash on your body, most of these are incurable and will fester until you find yourself sitting in solitude wasting precious tears in nostalgia. Mind you, I use the word nostalgia here because of how it aptly describes this state of being. A yearning to return to the good life once lived, however inappropriate or impractical this may be to achieve in modern day.

Of course the person in question has definitely changed and/or has moved on to what they think is a better life and place for them on this earth, Its just you that are incapable of change, or so you'll be lead to think. Don't be fooled, everyone walks around with bits of their past looming over their heads threatening to destroy a future that hasn't even played out yet.

Of course the catharsis of my emotions hasn't really reached completion and it requires me to grow mentally to a certain pre-requisite before I can move onwards in my journey towards eternal sunshine. Until that day, I'll just lay here amongst my negativeness and resentment and at the same time feelings of loneliness and general abandonment. Scrutinizing each and every particle that made up all my previous relationships to appease my ego, in knowing that I did all I could from keeping my love life from falling apart.

Love may change the lives of people for the positive, with most however, its just the most painful emotion/experience they will ever feel!

Bowls of crazy? Not for me please..

It's true, I can't stand religious zealots and fanatics, I just can't. Someone about conversing with them makes me want to skewer them through the nostrils. But alas, my neighborhood, if not the world, seems full of their sorry kind.
Their conversation, not even in the minutest way akin to the nonsense but endearing ramblings of the slightly deranged, is slightly overpowering and demanding. Their tone, authoritative and egoistic and their demeanor unsettling.
Their perceptions of how the masses should think, behave and react is far from what is considered normal and is 'taught' to us and our kids to compensate for the fact that we, as humans we not suppose to have these attributes ingrained in the first place!

But even that alone wouldn't have been enough to make this fence sitter pick a side and spew venom at the 'enemies', but that's what they are!
Enemies of free will and free thought! Selling ideas of a great sky GOD being displeased with us should we choose to disregard his rules of living.
The lunatics who believe this in the first place are welcome to their bowl of nonsense, but it is when they offer me a spoonful is where I begin to have a problem with their life. Offering me a spoon of your crazy, in my head, allows me the privilege of not only disregarding your notions and practices, but taking it down with the heaviest bulldozer available. And oh, no hard feelings, its not personal!

So I urge you, ardent reader, if someone offers you a bowl of crazy, be it filled with religious juice or otherwise, you're fully entitled to your view on how it tastes! The faster we cleanse the world of extremists, the safer our minds will be from the constant subtle efforts to control it by these people.

Childhood Sweethearts and Secret Crushes

Another one of my childhood crushes sets a date to be tied up forever to another man.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.

You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.

With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.

As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.

Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.

Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.

Someone to Love

We go through this life with one hope. That we're loved and that we find people to love. Love maybe overrated in the practical scheme of things but at a certain level, we all crave for it, if not even in the smallest quantities.
And when that defining day comes around, when we've finally managed to find that someone who loves us for the complicated people that we are, it is up to us, at that moment to define how the next few years of our lives are going to turn out.
You can either acknowledge the person's love and respect their love or you can spurn their feeling and leave them with the bitter taste of rejection and live with the guilt all your life.
Or you can do what sometimes comes naturally, love the person for having loved you. Cherish that feeling, for in this world it does not come often. Its tough to find someone who kisses when you awaken with honest admiration. Someone who hugs you exactly when and how you want it. Someone who throws their own state of being out of the window to accommodate you. Someone who modifies their ego to let you be the adviser, decision maker and the protector.

You'd have to have a pretty good reason to turn someone who truly loves you down, its easy to find people to love, but almost impossible to find people to love you the way you want to be loved.

Vulnerable people

We're terribly vulnerable as people. Emotionally and mentally susceptible to any kind of manipulation and deceit..
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.

Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.

Hidden Dreams

 
 
 
 

Sadly, the only thing holding me back from my dream is myself. Although, isn't it elementally always so? I've always wanted to be a famous guitarist as far back as I can remember. Lets just say wanting to be a musician does not really go down well with my the caretakers of my life, or so I told myself. Now, Im free, independant and yet unable to make the final leap.
Im harshly reminded of the life Im missing every time I go watch friends play and yet..

What IS it Desmond. What'll it take!

Ahh soon I hear myself say.. Soon this shall pay off. 'Bigger picture' i keep telling myself.
A world with more securities I tell myself.
I'll soon be living the perfect life.. The dream life. Someone else's dream life.
While someone else lives mine.

Go ahead, be selfish.. Its genetic.

I've been reading up on this gene known only to geneticists as the 'selfish gene'. This might ring some bells to all you literary types out there as also being the title of one of Richard Dawkins books.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.

What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.

Living an absolutely peachy life.

Having been spat out from the comfortable womb of complacency and absolute acceptance into a world of conspiracy and practical realizations is a horrible reality for a few of us.
Where do you go from there? Depressionville, that's where.
Sure you've mentally and emotionally risen much like a phoenix from the ashes of stupidity and complete dependency on higher powers with ulterior motives, but from then onwards, you'll soon realize that you've only just began your journey along your path of thorns and jagged stones.
After the soles of your feet become tender and worn from the journey of having to literally move against the tide of non acceptance by the masses and the complete and utter disregard for your new found ideas and truths by people who have already been hard-coded with nonsense beliefs and irreversible conditioning, you'll slowly realize that you don't care.
You'll look for acceptance and assertion from like-minded individuals and having found none, realize that people like you are a dying breed.
That's when regret hits.
Why did you have to move out of that comfortable womb in the first place. What did you ever hope the achieve? You weren't special, just led to believe that.
Your social group, parents, teachers will only tell you that you're meant for greater things so long as you do not displease their sensibilities.

Things like the comfort of your house, the warmth of loved ones and the absolute trust you could once place in the hands of in your friends are now things of the past.
Now you look at the world with a discerning eye. Being calculative and dissecting every action done onto you with the best microscope possible.
yet, all you want to do is get back to that simpler time.
All you want is to fit in again and revert to being that person who could trust, care and love and look at the world through rose tinted glasses.

But lets face it, that part of you will have died so long back, you're stuck in this new found purgatory until the day you finally cease to exist.

Feeling Hurt.

It all is a byproduct of hurt feelings.
How we treat others is exactly how we've been treated or rather, its how we've broken down that experience and explained it to ourselves.
The more we understand the reason behind a person being hurtful to us, the easier it is to cope with it and move on.

Unexplained hurt however is just tough to deal with.
You have not the slightest inkling of what hit you and no idea of how to deal with it.
Sadly most people who've hurt you to the point of your life being affected, are people you've let into your so called 'circle of trust'. These are people you've once trusted or still trust. It is tough seeing people you've let in, take that trust and run you into the ground with it by simply behaving in a way that offends or demeans you.
They can downright abuse you emotionally or be more subtle and withdraw their love or friendship in a way that unsettles you. How DOES a person go from being a person you've run to when times were bad to someone who creates bad times for you? How DOES a person go from someone who's shoulder you've cried on, to being the reason you've made your pillow damp at night..

The important thing is here is to realize that you're not at fault.
Its not your fault. It just isn't.
People change. mostly for the worst.
Lets face it, every day that passes by, that good caring person just around the corner is slowly losing what makes him human and what makes him care.
with each passing day people are slowly losing their reason to be genuine and good.
probably because they've been at the receiving end of undeserved hurt themselves.
It is a vicious cycle, it indeed is.

Just makes it a whole lot harder to trust the world.
You'll probably recover the first and second time you've been at the receiving end of this heartbreaking pain. You'll cry, you'll get depressed and probably hate the world. But then, that third time, you just won't care. Because you're done.
You're done accounting for the untrustworthiness of others.. You're done letting people into a position where they can ever hurt you whether you deserve it or not.
Thereby, you lose whatever inherent niceness and humanity you might have once possessed..

When you've finally transformed, you're nothing like the person you wanted to be as a kid. You're entire world veiw is now distorted, but you know you didn't have a choice, for in this world, only the strongest survive.
But surviving means self hatred and despising yourself over how much you've changed into the very same people that made you feel belittled in the first place.
YOU are now THEM, creating your own little circle of viciousness with the hurtful things you say.
You say hurtful things to keep people away and to form a makeshift barricade around your wounded heart.
Thus, you live a life of quiet solitude.

Welcome to my world.
Its quiet here.

The Pinnacle of being - being alone

Did you ever hope to live an uncomplicated life? Its one of the most over sold concepts today and yes i may have blogged about it on occasion too.
But its lonely at the top.

People's innate desire to lean towards drama holds them back from leading simple lives.
I was asked today what could possibly pose to be a potential problem for me in the future. After briefly thinking, all i could offer was attempted humor, "the only situation I forsee being a problem in the future in me getting someone pregnant"
This is humorous only because at my current success rate at getting women to drop their inhibitions and their clothes, not that I'm trying anyway, It'll be a few decades.

Suddenly when you've reached upto a point wherein you are unable to even predict your unpreparedness to life's unwanted twists, you are suddenly aware of the shallowness of being. Imagining your life is now uncomplicated, what about everyone else?
Why then are people living in such densely unnatural atmospheres? Why are people forgoing their basic freedom, peace of mind, money and state of being for anything at all. What then is the price you'd be prepared for peace of mind.

Also, you'll suddenly be aware of you're disdain for people of this type. people who often fall prey to life's complications. You will downright despise them for not have the mental clarity that they even sometimes strive for but are too insecure or emotionally stunted to make that final leap. You will definitely feel pity, but only in passing. After all, it is tough looking at the ground from a pedestal.

Living a simple life depends on various factors.
The most obvious one being, you can only trust yourself. If you never really let anyone into the inner circle of trust, no one ever lets you down. NOTE: it is important here to realize, that you have to be standing in your own inner circle of trust. Most people don't fully trust themselves and thus forms the root to most of their insecurities.

The percentage of people actually living life in this depicted manner is so negligibly small that if you do reach up to this level, you'll live a life of quiet depression and solitude.