More to life? I guess not

Has to be more, hasn't there?

Work at a place that doesn't fit in with your world-view of whats important in life

then find another job that pays the more, just enough to temporarily cover the growing discontent with bigger questions of existence.

Repeat.


Where's the break in the chain? what do you then do?
Show me another way to live, present an idea maybe.
I'm all for hearing alternate ways of living.

All i need is the bare minimum of money to exist, the rest is up to you.

P.S, consider me to be career-wise ambition-less.

Weddings and me.

I hate weddings.
Please do me a favor and DO NOT invite me to yours. Even as a joke.
I dread them.
I loathe them.

Why is it suddenly such a big topic of conversation? or rather monologue?
I've just come back from one.

And no, I wasn't allowed to carry my earphones.. Listening to someone else's music for 3 hours? 3 hours of pure simple minded, idiotic, common man, lowest common denominator of what can barely pass as music.
Now i'm by no means an elitist, to each his own, but EXACTLY that. The "TO EACH" part implies I don't want any part of it.

That's not even why I'm less than my normal state of indifference.

I hate dancing. I don't understand it, i dont pretend to, i just like to keep away, and please always do me the courtesy of leaving me be..
To me, dancing is the lowest form of exuberance possible. Your only excuse for dancing is being drunk out of your mind.

There's not a single song that played that even made me for a moment raise an eyebrow, let alone an appendage to attempt a move, but yet, i was dramatically pulled to the dance floor, where i did my best "im a zombie" impression, this entails standing still and looking around at people like they were cattle.

Horrible.

I do people the courtesy of not opening up their lives to the fucking waste of time they are, I don't bring up the rubbish they consider "problems", neither do i mock them for it. I don't plunge them into existentialist crisis by questioning their actions, desires and ambitions. I don't even mock them for the simplistic and ineffective methods they attempt to ameliorate their dramas of lives.
Then, i wish they'd just do me the grandest honor of NOT being invited to these "occasions" and go on without me. Or if they do insist on inviting me, allow me to stand in an extreme dark corner and silently witness everything from afar.


Today was the wedding of my oldest friend ever. If i had to describe it in simple 'worldly' ways for the simple minded of you to understand, he is my "best friend" of sorts, one of them anyway.
If i can't stand his wedding, it would be safe to assume i'd loathe any subsequent ones i attend.

If you ever read this my friend, you know me well enough to know i mean you no offense, I love you.
But you'll also know, I loathe weddings.

Existing in Existentialism

Look around you and chose one unsuspecting victim for this experiment. You only question will be “why do you exist and what’s your reason for existing. Rather, what is the goal of your existence?
This is a very heavy question, one often avoided, fairly evident when you run out of topics of conversation and would yet talk about the weather than existentialist dilemmas. Obviously I’d ask you, for this particular experiment to refrain from asking a religious or spiritual person of any kind. I’d be able to simulate their answer as easily as you would after some basic information on comparative religion studies.
The secondary purposes for existing are often ones added onto the main objective of “I exist because I am”. Now that, is a sufficiently good reason to exist, yet, isn’t completely accurate in describing why anyone would continue to do so. The quick reply that thought almost necessitates is that existing requires no effort as opposed to not existing wherein you have to consciously make an effort to not exist. This is quickly rubbished. Existing is far tougher and consumes far more effort in one lifetime, than the effort required ceasing your life a million times over. Yet, we’re incapable of self cessation.
Hobbies, Arts, Likes and activities of both aesthetically and physically pleasing natures are bought in to explain the further reason for existing. The common ones being good food, good music (musicians), family, art and so on. These while being good explanations created out of socio-economic factors like your immediate company, or even factors like religion, region, and genetic disposition all explain WHY you are as you are. Once realized WHY and HOW you already function, the real reason is, can you continue to function the same way. I feel almost compelled to further explain this.
So I shall.
The red and blue pill from the Matrix trilogies. Almost all of us would chose the pill allowing for us to remain deeply buried within the comfortable embrace of the world we know. Finding out the truth does absolutely negligible amounts for our want to live in the truth and we sooner revert than hear any more.
The absolute truth in this matter (according to me) is that we’re programmed animals. We feel most emotions because that’s how we’re evolved and that’s how we’re been taught to feel or emote. This is evident by how certain emotions associated with certain actions don’t transcend well across different cultures.
What then is the purpose for existing?
We know HOW we’re here, we know WHAT we’re made of, We know WHY we’ve existed and flourished so far, but what now?
I’ve written before about how “unconditional love” is just a mere concept more than reality and nothing is capable of unconditional love, not even a god, indicative by how EVERY religion has a concept of hell. If pure love as written doesn’t not exist, the love we know is a hormone driven short-term concept which is later put on auto-pilot by various other chemical reactions that we could name, what’s the purpose of existing? Can our mundane short term “ambitions”, needs, goals and need for self propagation be enough to justify existing?

Have you ever punched someone in the face?

You know what I've completely forgotten the feeling of?
Hitting someone. Punching them square in the face.

I'd be willing to bet it would be very satisfying. All my pacifism aside, punching someone in the face would be awesome.

I don't even have a chosen target. There's no intended victim of this yet to be dished out, unwarranted violence.


Maybe its just my sense of depreciating self image trying to self destruct itself because lately, well, i'll say it, life's been good. A little too good.

There's much i'll never talk about, i guess to no one's loss, since the only people that read this are about four odd people, which probably includes me.


Self destruction is an awesome phenomenon.
I've always liked the pain derived from physical wounds, maybe I try to emulate the same from my broken ego wounds.
Or maybe I'm just babbling.
I just may be.