The Non-Post Post

I did intend to say a lot on here, spit out venom, angrily lash out with fire at all the people that are the reason I'm on here in the first place, But I figure, I'm not going to say anything after all.

They aren't worth it.
This isn't worth my time.
I do have a life, I just have to dig it out of the cobwebs,
Involving myself on a personal level with others, Unfailingly gets me here every single time.


Also, there suddenly exist two classes of people, on one hand the first group that seems rather too keen to prove me to be an angel, a do-gooder, even a good hearted person if you will.
The second seems to thrive off their ability to make me feel useless, like a demon crawled out of hell itself. Like the useless moss growing off tress.

Should introduce both the groups to each other and let the debate begin.

Follow me into the cellar

Well, it appears I do need a hand.
So if you'd follow me into the cellar, I'll be happy to show you the plan marked important that takes up most of the west wall, don't mind the bat I attempt to conceal behind my back.
Well it goes like this.
I'm a Nigerian Prince and have an excellent opportunity for you to do something worthwhile, help a person in need, double your money, enlarge your penis/breasts AND completely satisfy your women in bed.
Interested yet? No? Well that's the where the bat comes into the picture doesn't it?

We all have grandiose ideas that need some platform to be launched on, Seemingly my entire life seems like one major experiment waiting to burst forth from the ideation phase.
I need a brother, a manager, a therapist, a publicist, a publisher and a fellow musician. Oh and while I need all those people, I also need me cloned a couple of times.

If any of you are familiar with the Japanese anime called Naruto that came out in the early 90s, The protagonist, this little kid who was regarded as a person with unlimited potential, employed this technique, wherein he could create shadow clones of himself, shadow replicas if you will, that he could command. The interesting part of this is that he eventually learned that the experience each of these shadow clones gained became a shared experience with himself as soon as they were called back. He soon began creating hundreds of shadow clones and setting about to the toughest tasks he could find, thus multiplying his experience earned.

Err. I seem to have lost the plot again.
I think it was along the lines of the fact that this one life just doesn't cut it.
just a few decades, what the heck are we supposed to conquer with it? Why not throw in a few shadow clones?

What do you aspire to? Money? Fame? Fulfilling the old artistic sense?
Do you take up music? arts? photography? Or do you hope to churn out tripe of the sort you've just read with the hope to monetize on it!
A significant percentage of us work day jobs with the guilt that we're secretly letting down our true calling. The rest of us have been too jaded and corrupted into thinking that we have a talent, but then some of the latter category unfortunately have financial backing (that should account for all the new age Punjabi Pop Singers, glad not to have left them out).

I guess the final push is tough, the nest has now become too comfortable. With a comfortable job, a lifestyle to maintain, social lives to upkeep, every day becomes another nail in the old proverbial coffin.

The beach

She beckons, she seduces
The dark, the all knowing.
The comforter, open armed
Once embraced, peace forever.

In her depths you'll lie,
Tender mental surrender
Worldly problems be gone
Peace, how I've missed you. Come hither.

No nostalgia, no sadness
No heartbreak, no joy
Just all encompassing dark,
Utter and complete surrender

Grandfather Blues

I missed knowing one of the men who could have truly inspired greatness in my life, all by a fraction of a decade. Now, to put it "technically", I was around, albeit at the innocent age of five, there's only so much information you can absorb from someone with such a strong personality.
With a natural ability with instruments and an almost instinctive skill in music, he could play about eight instruments, that I know of, his favorite being the violin and the trumpet.
I've grown up on stories of how he could sans instrument, write out orchestra music in all its complexity and sight sing, one of those true old world abilities lost to most of these progressive software reliant modern musicians (Me included).
My earliest memory of him, has to show of his devotion to his job as my caretaker. Whenever I played in the small little stretch of land connected to my building, he'd watch over me with eagle eyes and the moment I got out of eyeshot, yelled out my name at the top of his lungs. His job, one that he'd taken on himself, was to protect me from everything! Speeding cars, bullies, open sewers, cow stampedes, cyclones, planes falling from the sky and even from the devil himself. He did this with a flair that cannot translate into any of the words my language may employ.

Another aspect of I fondly remember is that he drank like a fish. It could be the rose tinted glasses i wore at the time, but i remember him as a warm, happy drunk. He drank his morning and afternoons away and loved the night. My first introduction to Igor as a character came from his 'friend' or as I now understand 'drinking buddy'. After he was done with his morning rituals, he would dangle himself half out of our window and yell out his name. "VINCENT!!!!!!!". Only a true Goan belonging to a historic time now gone by yells out a friends name every morning as an indication that it was time now for said friend to pay a visit to the local bar and get a bottle of the local stuff, country liquor.

Thus they sat, in the cherry morning, laughed amongst themselves at unknown inside jokes, stopped to eat and sometimes even through the golden light onto dusk.

He had figured out, that life was what you made of it and yet, life was a bitch.
Life gave you the blocks to make it with, but each block being a bit tainted and spoiled.

Did i mention he lived his life in poverty? Oh yes, extreme poverty.
Being a musician back in the day didn't pay enough to raise four children, especially by himself. So he begrudgingly took up a job as a compounder in a doctors clinic, that would be the man back in the day who actually gave you the pills after the doctor had written his prescription.
Also, did i mention that he was an academic genius? The man was a bachelor of science, which in the day equaled to a Harvard education. Doesn't fit in with the poverty does it? Confounds me til date.

It is hard to describe the sense of nostalgia I feel recounting these memories, fully aware of the fact, that did he really exist today, there's a distinct possibility that we'd be mirror images of each other. My father tried hard to become everything he wasn't. So much, that he used his failed attempt (if i know my grandfather, i know he probably didn't really attempt anything) at musicianship to not be one himself. My father became restricted and controlled, didn't throw his life away drinking and always strived to provide, so much so that his motto for life was "if your children have no food to eat, you work, rob, cheat, but you carry out the responsibility you've taken on".

I've of course, become everything my father isn't, so hence the logic applies that i'll revert back to what made my grandfather. From his wacky sense of music, to his love for life to his disgust for the drudgery of living.


Sometimes, probably the only time I self admittedly would believe in a concept of heaven, would be the times I'd secretly wish he was still around, watching in approval of what I've become, secretly sitting by the window of heaven with Vincent and a glass of heavens local liquor in hand, smiling to himself.

Escapism - Love

I pity those that haven't been killed by the icy tentacles of this demon we know and recognize as love.
Love is a great big bowl of emotion, that gets us on a creative high that would make LSD pale in comparison. Love gets us to accumulate incredible amounts of endurance and strength, Yet.
Yet, at the very time same, knocks us flat. For years after we've killed the demon, his remains haunt us.
Crippling us to understand and realize. Crippling to think and breath.
Crippling breath itself.
Romance dies, giving rise to the half mutilated zombie of romantic depression.
It robs us of the essence of what makes us alive, leaving us submerged in an ocean of our own unintelligible waste.

Yet, all these experiences are what makes us necessarily, us.
Do we mean to now retroactively change what we've become? This will necessitate us reverting to an earlier person, much like we roll back an operating system to an earlier state of being.
Through all the heartbreaks and depressions, we've actually quite graphically moulded out personality to accordingly suit us.

Now we live as damaged people, in the world of the underground. Far from the eyes of society. The society that fools themselves about their happiness anyway.

Yes, we're the lucky few. The ones lucky enough to be 'chosen' by the demon love. We fuck up our subsequent relationships, we taste bitterness in life itself and every breath we take is sulfurous, but on the upside, hey, we're creative geniuses. Some of us anyway..

We can only hope that when the next 'right person' or the 'right now person' comes along, we've recovered enough to even try. And in the eventuality of it working out, for you to sustain something without your demons unveiling themselves at the most inopportune times.

Blessed are the innocent who never feel love, for theirs is the kingdom of 'real' free thought.

The season of Autumn

The season of autumn has to be one of my favorites. The whole concept of things dying a glorious and beautiful death only to be born anew with a new sense of purpose and meaning.

Autumn reminds you that a sunrise is always around a corner, albeit you have a plan..
For a plan is a must in the whole regeneration process, in the absence of which, you'd rather decay and fall to the ground, making way for others with a plan and fertilizing their growth.

Saved by the bell

Just in the nick of time,
When the wick had almost burnt through
Inner doors open, with a sadistic smile
to unveil more road, the journey continues

New ambitions, new ideals,
Where are we really going?
It is a new life really
or an old one with a new covering!

So I trudge on, onward i go
with a new found vigor, purpose
the story book extends again
A new formulated end, a new forever after

It is first light now, my mind is at ease
My thoughts are sparce and simple
Uncomplicated lives and uncluttered brains
Until life turns again, reminding,
This was and is, just an illusion.

Broken

You're broken. Terribly misfit,
living a misanthropic life.
Attempting to fit in a broken world
One that doesn't believe it is.

It's tough holding on even when you don't want to.
Invisible tears streaming down your face,
People passing you oblivious to you and drowned
In the sweet misery of their own existence
you want some sympathy maybe some pity?
you don't need it, they don't owe it to you!

But don't give up yet, you time is now,
Your time is here, just reach out.
It's not too late, it's not all over.
because there's no coming out of the darkness
this time around there's no bright light.

Make the best of the time left,
Don't wrap up yet, don't pack up yet.
you're not going to be missed, not forever
People will move on, life will go on
You're reason for existing is you.
You don't owe anyone but you.

You're not special, you're not inferior
You're no brain, you're no dumb asshole,
You are you, and that's why you owe it to yourself
this is your final chance, yourre last symphony,
prove yourself now or slip away into darkness.
Remember, alone you arrived, alone should you die.

Mind raped by loved ones/friends

White noise, Silently screaming in despair.
Stuck. Trapped. Frustrated.
Dealing. Coping. Adapting.

"Loved ones" give you the most shit. Is that why we call them "loved ones"? Cause of our need and tendency to create drama and unnecessary problems for ourselves?
Maybe I need a stricter solitude, rather than take unnecessary nonsense.
Adapting to do things when other people want things done rather than do what I want/need to do. Some may proclaim their care and even pretentiously claim more. But really, if someone can't even afford you peace of mind, I'd rather die alone never having been cared for.

A perfect day ruined by thought. Thought brought on by people and their expectations.

I'm done.

I'm Sorry,
Thank you for your time,
But now I must leave..

The messenger client dilemma.

I've never really seen the point of messengers.
So far, I've been on rediffbol, yahoo, msn, gtalk, facebook, whatsapp, BBM and in a way, twitter. And offline msgs through mail services, Hi5, orkut, googleplus, googlewave and so on.

Of late, I've been finding it extremely tough to have to explain exactly WHY I don't intend for people to be my "friends" in these messengers. These are people who I'd never ever converse with, more to do with the fact of not have whatsoever common ground upon which we can base a discussion.
In fact, in my experience, people seem to get highly offended on a personal level if you do not reciprocate their feelings of messenger love. They take it highly personally that you do not wish to include them in your "special" list of friends on your messenger.
You can have them online at four other messengers, but the one that you wish to maintain a bit of sanctity in, they see it their sole purpose to defile. Which is why for the longest time I went off BBM (blackberry messenger). And when i did return, i selectively added all of the 6-7 people I actually do correspond even once a week with. But well, doesn't take long for the trojan horse to come knocking at your door with a few innocent questions and before you realize it, you find yourself with your phone in hand staring at 10 friend requests from people you don't normally spend time with, don't converse with and wouldn't even realize if they'd been hit by a bus the week before..
Is it because they enjoy breaking your resolve? or are they just "add-addicts", adding everything and everyone in sight. We'll never know.

sometimes

Sometimes all we need is a drink.
Or that one last cigarette that leads to another pack.
Or that one hit of high to calm those nerves.
Or even that last hit of medicated bliss..

Sometimes all we need is understanding
Just a comforting hug that says "I love you"
"I'll be there for you, not matter what"
"You're never wrong, it's never your fault"

Sometimes all we need is some security.
Money would take us a long way.
A house to call home wouldn't hurt.
Just a place where you wouldn't lose your mind.

But really, we don't need any of these things
These mostly are things we want!
We need the constant pity and distraction
Or else we'd be forced to deal with what needs attention.

We only REALLY need ourselves, everything else is a lie.
We can kid ourselves all we want, we'll never love anyone like our self.
We need to wake up! To see the truth.
We're not going anywhere, we're stuck..

Wings clipped, grounded for good. But not out, not lost yet.
Don't resign yourself to a life of mediocrity.
You maybe down now, but you can fly again. Just believe.
In yourself. No drugs, wine, people, hugs, security can EVER make you fly,
As high as you can yourself..
And if you realize that, in it's simplicity,
Bon voyage my friend. See you on the other side.
It's better there.

Barcodes

Firstly, allow me to state the obvious.
I've inked myself, the design being a barcode as seen in the accompanying picture and yes that is my date of birth.

I've put of the idea of tattooing myself for the longest time as I constantly battled with myself to come up with an idea that would remain permanent or well, at least persevere for more than a few years. After rejecting all the obvious guitar references, I'd given up.
Now for the person who constantly lives in fear of being typecast and put into a mould, this design was thought of while listening to music and letting my mind drift away and was finalized in about two seconds. I was inked with it within 12 hours. Now I realize that this is a done and dusted design, with probably half the world inked with the same design.

The barcode is supposed to denote an incapability of breaking away from all the things I want to. My wants being very ambitious, I realize that I'm bounded by twenty five years of upbringing and societal corruption.
I'm just a product. A factory made product, the factory being the society I grew up in and acknowledging the same, I've tattooed a production date on me.

The tattoo also signifies how each of us are special and unique, but only when viewed with an absolute critical eye. A eye capable of understanding the intricacies of my coding. To everyone else, I AM everyone else, a product indistinguishable from another. To a person incapable of reading between the lines and understand what the code means, we're all the same. People will see us as being slightly different as a pattern or a design, but our true meaning will always be hidden, except for a code reader.

Lastly, my tattoo reads slave, a testament to the fact that I am one.
I realize I've always been a slave, am a slave and have to constantly try to fight being one.
I'm a slave to my feeling, my thoughts, my biases, my lack of knowledge, understanding, I'm a slave to myself.

Giving myself freedom from being a slave is an uphill task and a lifelong battle, this tattoo is just a reminder that I can never stop trying.
It shows me that I am currently a slave, But need not live the rest of life as one.

the night and I

The room maybe dark, but my mind isn't yet.
The silence only does aid the consciousness of my screaming mind
Decisions have been made today, decisions to face the choices at hand.
Self admittedly, the choices always exist, they always did, always will.

Something elemental broke inside me, revealing new possibilities but not before yielding some answers to older adversary questions.

To the people surrounding me, I request patience.
I know I don't deserve your consideration, I probably never have.
I humbly beg you stay out of reach while the fires of my self destructive exile consume all around.

I shall never return, the self you knew may die forever.
I can only promise you change.. For change is the only static phenomenon ever..
Nothing is as predictable as change..

As for me, my metamorphosis may never complete. I may cease just steps away from the destination, or so it would seem.
If only I knew for sure I was heading towards a finite destination and not running towards the horizon.

For now, all I know, is nothing..
The nothing that I know, seem everything that is important to me..
Everything is a wasted concept.
Nothing is a much more consuming ideal..

Are we everything or just nothing..

The Hatred In Me.

The Hatred in me.
Deeply buried, embedded into the core of my very being.
Yet. Now in a nascent stage, from out of hibernation, is destined to consume me.
Voices aloud! voices long buried, calling out my name from the past.
Demons not yet conquered, demons I never knew to exist.
Eating me up from inside. Gnawing at the fabric of my soul until it rots.
Rots from having being exposed directly to such Hate.
My head heavy with confusion, my shoulders burdened with weight
Carrying the weight of the world, the guilt of twenty lifetimes.
Feet sinking into the ground, promising to gulp me down whole in minutes!

And yet, there is hope
There is a way out
The only way out is to lose myself. Lose my current self, the rotten self and being born anew.
I don't like this person anymore. I don't like being chained to my rotting soul.
Imagine being shackled at the wrists watching a parasite consume you from the toes up.

There is hope.
There HAS to be.
There just simply HAS to.
And I intend to look for it.
A search that itself is a lifetime.

It's just a matter of time now.

Death By Insecurity - Singing

How do you deal with a lifetime of emotional and psychological inflictions caused during childhood when we haven't even recognized a small fraction of them!

I'm a bit well, lets say shy. A bit more than your average person, about a many many things.
This usually doesn't affect my day to day dealings except that, many of my current actions are actually manifestations of my subdued introvert nature that haven't been recognized.

I've always had a loud voice, but after a lifetime of being told to use my inside voice, it has now become impossible for me to open my voice up, even when singing. Well, especially when singing..

I always tend to feel like I'm being too loud and the conscious thought of that alone entering my mind cripples me and confines me to lower volumes thus handicapping me from expressing true emotion.

Ahh another day, another issue recognized.

Edge of reason..

This is the first real day I’ve had, a day of contemplation to myself.
Of my thoughts collected, I’ve run into a few questions that I’ve vainly attempted to answer armed with my half understanding of how things work.

My questions are as follows.

1. Is our universe scientific or spiritual?
2. How do we exist and what forms the purpose of our existence?
3. Is our universe continuous? If so, are we immortal souls that only move from body to body until perfection is achieved? And when it is, what then?
4. How did religions come into existence, what is the common point between the eastern and western religions?
5. What are the flaws if any with each major religion and its texts, how is even the righteous word contorted by the masses following it.
6. What is Karma, how does it apply to modern life, what are its similarities to its western counterpart (fate/destiny)
7. What constitutes Maya (worldly illusions) and how do we go about dispelling Maya?
8. Are emotions real?
9. Are we loved, even by our parents? Is unconditional love even possible?
10. What is our inherent weakness to hold onto (drama) when we fully realize that peace lies beyond? Do we honestly attempt a simple life even for once?
11. How has evolution played a part in the psychology of a modern individual?
12. How does one come into complete harmony with oneself, is it a rejection of all external events/objects or an acceptance of all? Is it a negation of the self of an acceptance of the self?
13. My view of a perfect society with the abolishment of a few societal ‘diseases’
14.

The last question is blank for the very reason that the list of questions is yet unfinished. I shall try to elaborate my understanding of each of these questions and in the eventually of my understanding being incomplete, I shall try in all honesty to avail of the literature that corresponds to a question before attempting to answer it. The questions shall not be answering in the corresponding order of their appearance, but rather, the question that plagues my mind the most, will be answered first.

Pre Ladakh

10 Days to myself.
With no associations, friends, family, entertainment, distractions.
No drama. No mid life crisis. No societal pressures.

I'm supposed to have gone with a free mind. And yet.
People prove to be persistent in trying to change me as a person, trying their best to mould me into a shape they can recognize, or then if not, challenge my very existence.
In the week leading up to my departure, I'd set myself to preparing my mind to withstand a fortnight of solitude. And arrive back with absolutely NO attachments or in other words, to spend my time there not having to worry/regret the life I was going to come back to. This is tough and impossible enough on its own, without people aiding this.

People are bastards.

Their demands are NEVER met and are a constant phenomenon.
THIS is what I leave with.

At 25 and already having crossed the so called quarter life crises, I stand before a full blown mid life crisis.

Factors that worry me aren't career, money, establishing myself OR family, love and the other ultimately inconsequential reasons people live for..
Factors that DO worry me, are what is the point of it? Of everything.
I predict a lifetime of rough and hard work and to what end!
What do I hope to achieve if not the things mentioned in my quarter life crisis?
And even if i do manage to fill a few reason to my existence, how valid are they?
or AM i just further fooling myself to encourage myself to prolong this miserable existence (SEE DISCLAIMER AT THE END).
I can live to attempt to satiate my physical needs, or emotional ones (even knowing they stem out of a very basic insecurity)
I can exist to take a shot at being at true peace, knowledge OR even awareness, but then again, at my current level of societal corruption, it will probably never be achieved.

WHY THEN does Desmond Armando Frias Exist.

These are questions I hope to answer for myself.
My only fear is that IF i don't satisfactorily manage these, I might not return.

My friends and family have, in a way, unwittingly provided fuel to this.
Why does it affect others if I am a bastard, or even if I'm a saint!
If I love my family, or don't, why am i expected to prove this to them or others!
If I'll eventually settle down or not, career or family wise!

I pray for peace, so that when back, My patience extends to incorporate these trivialities

I've put a lot at stake for this to blow up and go wrong.
I just hope my lack of preparation isn't my downfall..









(Now a segment of you out there will be more than encouraged to take offence/be worried for my safety, please rest assured, I am merely setting out to explain my life, not to end it. I do not support or will ever support suicide, NOR will indulge in it.)

The Choice of a lifetime.

The very notion of an "important choice" or a "decision of a lifetime" is in itself ridiculous.
Why are some choices more important than others? What gives some decisions more importance, leading us to give it more brainwave than other ones, when every single action and thought has direct implications to our foreseeable future.
If every choice made, leads to an alternate future, do we then leave anything up to chance. In all honesty, can we really afford to leave anything to a roll of a dice?
If yes, than is it because we do not yet value the result of the consequences OR is it because of us not being willing to accept the consequences of the actions gone wrong!

Thanks to us being bombarded by media every waking moment, it would probably take a youtube video showing us how a person rather insignificant decisions, for example stopping to buy gum or even choosing between the bus and the train, can over a period of time accumulate to grow into a tangent life.

Choice on!!

The Need for Solitude..

Now usually, I'm a nice guy.
I take this with a pinch of salt, especially remembering the old "nice guys finish last"
There are times where my mind explodes with thought. Post these times my brain is still trying to comprehend fully the mental experience it has been through. Completely rubbed raw, all I want to do is be by myself.
And I am NEVER afforded this. EVER

All i ask, is to be left alone. And I ask of it with earnest!
How tough is it to leave someone alone WITHOUT saying a couple of "parting" words!
Seemingly VERY!
That is when demon mode gets switched on yet again. Uncaring, unfeeling, not even human. All because I was denied even 30 minutes of time just to myself. Just to satisfy someone else's greed for me.
This isn't a very caring world after all.

"Maat kar neki Desmond, Duniya badi zaalim hain"

Slaves in the rain..

What the hell is wrong with today! Why can’t it just behave! Rain pouring down like it is just a precursor to the raptor. Heavy water logging everywhere, coupled with crazy winds dragging in rain all around the place make this the perfect day to sit right at home, all comfortable with a cup of hot chocolate and possibly a book, or hey, my personal best, sleep till it is lunch time. Covered with soft pillow-like mattresses with the cool monsoon climate for company.
Alas..For I HAVE a job..
Grudgingly I begin my mammoth task of working against my better judgment, something you’re taught to do since preschool to accept authority of others, in this case, my boss. After the necessary morning formalities, which I’m beginning to suspect are just social conditions of how I must life my life (Do you really care if I don’t bathe in the morning so long as I still smell civil?) I take one last peek out to gauge the situation. It is still pouring with the fury of a Greek God in anger. I resign myself to the battle ahead and grab the nearest umbrella.
Once out of my building, I almost instantly find muck to place my foot in, not on purpose really, honestly.. When I tell you my next two steps were also in muck, I’m probably not lying too. “What kind of company” I ask myself “makes their valuable employees wade thru muck and weather storms just to get to the damn place!” I manage to make it to the taxi stand and the lack of cabs becomes very apparent. So I wait. And wait.
“This is sick, people are sadistic”.
“Just because they have fancy high cars, they’ll never know what the common man like me has to go through!”
“They consider themselves our masters! How conceited! I’m just an employee! I can quit at anytime! But yet, they feel like they own me! Ohh the bastards!”
“It is time” “it is time to steal the power away from these task masters!” “Time to revolt my underprivileged brethren! Wake up and see the plight of your brothers!” “Time to kick these pompous bastards where it hurts” “let us strike and show them, they’re not the boss of us!” “No one orders us around by God!”
“Wait, what?” “I can’t hear you speak up!” “Yes sir boss man! We’re going to go on.. err what?” “I get paid how much?” “Ok I’ll be good”



“sigh”

The Wonders of Evolution..

We're so laughably weak as a species.
Sure our brains evolved to be bigger thus compensating for losing necessary survival features like hairy bodies, claws, speed, strength and who knows how many more..
These bigger brains were supposed to see us through life and helped with a host of things man then tried to do like hunting, gathering, farming, reproducing and so on. The brain over the next hundred millennia taught itself complex tasks like creating fire, constructing rudimentary tools, harvesting nature etc.
Today we've reached the moon, conquered distant planets, can predict weather, almost fully understood how we've got here through evolution. We've created machines to make our lives easier, we played god by creating hybrids, whether seeds or animals to suit our requirements.
But today, if we were to draw an average of the mentality of the humans inhabiting this earth, it wouldn't really paint a pretty picture.
We just the same superstitious bunch of assholes we've always been. Praying to an invisible man in the sky, an act not only defying all logic, but even all practicality. We pray, we sing and we chant in the hope that a higher power is listening to our little rants of wanting various things.
GOD is now supposed to emulate the wizard of OZ.
Some want brains, courage, heart and some just want to go home.

We're just children that condemn that which we can't understand, be it science, culture, psychology or just a different point of view in general. We're always right, and even if the other person makes more sense and our conscious accepts it as such, our sub-conscious will refuse it, because WE are right.

We're all designed to be the hero of our own tailored story, where we've always been wronged by the world.
We talk of higher purposes and eternal peace, truth is, we can stand peace of any kind. We don't even seriously attempt at it, nor we know how to deal with it when we've think we're achieving it.

We have to be at ease, even at the cost of someone being in pain, be it mental or physical. Clearing our mind is of prime concern.



Even dogs have evolved really, what separates us from them if our brains are no better than they were 600 years back!

Good People..

Where'd all the good people go,
I've been changing channels, i don't see them on the TV shows..

Words by Jack Johnson.

Where did all the good people go? all that seems to be left, is shells of people who reminisce of good times, people who believe they were once good and are now tainted by the "horrible modern society"
I've almost strained myself searching for people who are inherently good and the results seem frightening.
The only people who even come close to being good are the clueless lot. The ones who can't tell today from tomorrow. The ones without ambition or higher calling. The ones who bear no soul any malice. But then, the price they pay is oblivion. The only reason they're so good, is that they view the world through rose tinted glasses.
People are strange and even though I've said this only fairly recently,EVERYONE thinks they're good. They believe they've been wronged against. They believe the world is conspiring against them. They live in a fantasy world wherein the modern world is full of cut throat professionals who will sell their mother for a piece of bread even though, various statistics say that crime now is much lower than it was in the 70's and 80's..
Also interesting statistics are AIDS is lower than it was decades ago, abortions/rape lesser, new anti corruption laws will soon make the system as honest as it was when it was first established. But yet, people will have something to detest.
They always will..
The blame from everything, from being bad children to being bad spouses to being bad parents, lies solely on the other party involved. All our shortcomings, our lethargy, our bad habits, our wrong decisions, opportunities missed, is all blamed on external factors. IF ONLY for that, THIS would be done. *sigh...

We all want easy answers to everything..
ahh well..


One good thing to come out of my pondering though is an idea for a book..
It might, well, scratch that, it definitely WILL ruffle a few feathers and some people might never speak with me again.. But then, that IS the price I pay for being a cold indifferent bastard.
I live the life you'll believe me to live :)
I think therefore I am.. When I am refused the right to think,
YOU think therefore I am..

Choices?

This post is just to give words to my current situation in a way that describes it entirely.

In the very near future, I'm going to be rich. Short term rich.
What do i plan to do with these puts in a pickle.

There's a place called ladakh. North India. Want to know what heaven on earth looks like? Google images might attempt to do it justice and fail miserably.
Along with visiting this place, I can afford a wide lens. A Tokina 11-16, 2.8
Lovely aperture, sharp as a woman's tongue, wide as wide can get.
These are the things i can possible afford this time.
So far so good?

As a photographer, I lean towards only wildlife. As current not having lenses to click the same, is tantamount to constant frustration. I have a very soft 70-200, 2.8. But that's about it..
With this money, I have a set of choices.
I can visit heaven on earth, armed with a wide lens and capture beautiful HDR landscapes and the people there, while spending the next whole year living with the frustration that I can't yet click wildlife,
OR
I can buy the wide AND the 18-300 Nikon 3.5 with which, I can do everything from nature, to macro to portraits, thus catapulting me a year ahead of where I would be as a photographer had I gone to Leh, but without the experience of Heaven.

Decisions, decisions..

Sunday Mood Ruiner..

So I'm not totally Buddhist or enlightened.
Not even partly or slightly. I'm just a guy with temper issues.
And even though I've spent many reading hours having some quack tell me that it isn't positive to withhold anger, I can help but.
My anger resides in a small ball of pure glowing white rage somewhere at the back of my head. Now I know this is probably not the best for me personally, but i think of it as the least I can do for the people I "allegedly" care for.
I don't always get the same consideration from these same people mind you, who won't think twice about using this same rage as a crutch to launch crippling attacks on my emotions and mental being, but that isn't what we're talking about here.

Anger, is well, eventually let out. although for me, It usually takes a lot to provoke me to display my array of anger induced venom.

Lately, surviving a multitude of person attacks, I've come to realize a few certain number of truths more intensely than ever before.
1) Even Hitler thought he was a great man. So did Castro, Laden, Saddam and everyone else that terrorized millions. If these people could reject everything bad everyone said about them, then why not you? We're seemingly built to rarely, if never, take conscious blame for any of our actions/thoughts or words, because our "intentions" are always clearly either good or neutral to us! We will even dismiss someone's comments of how we are the one killing them into depression as the other persons self doing. While in most of the cases, we like to play victim when we really aren't, we simply have to realize for ourselves when exactly we're being Hitlers and Saddams.

2) Social isn't bad, neither is antisocial. By No means am I a very social person and of late, my tendencies towards living a solitary life are becoming more and more apparent. Very soon I shall retreat to my solitary cave only to come out for food, sex and photography. But until then, I live life on my own terms, which aren't apparently all that much of a hit with other people, especially friends and family. I don't like going for birthday parties, I dont like reminiscing for the hundred time about a life I led and I especially don't like being surrounded by crowds in the midst of blaring music! But in this world where I fit almost like a glove into the antisocial territory, there are actually a group of people that think I'm social! talk about confused humans!
I'm amused dating sporadically, I have about five hundred people on networking sites, and they may jump into random conversations about insignificant topics now and again. But then, Im always offline, never meet anyone and am never on the phone to reminisce. Social? I'll let you decide, especially when the accusations come from people who find it tough letting even the trash go from their lives.

3) It has been brought to my attention, by myself, that I am wasting my life.
I've definitely been working on it, and have already launched what I call the "First One Year Plan", I assume I've written about this already it encompasses music, photography, writing and traveling.. Now it is true, I'll definitely move at a slower pace that I would if i were completely free, but well, I'm just a sucker for things I find there to be a future in, call me stupid..

That it, im done.. *sigh.
Oh yea, and incase you've actually read this, drop by my photostream too
http://www.flickr.com/photos/25937835@N07/page1/

One Hundred Posts

I've been here awhile. One hundred posts on here.

Let my hundredth post mark my descent into a life for drama, if only for a while.
Its time to step into the crowds and be as involved as I could be.
Indulge myself into the pleasures of the senses of all kinda. Intoxicants of every kind shall be sought and consumed until my brain is foggier than the thickest of soups.

What is the purpose of this you ask?
Well, I honestly don't know.. But hey, We'll find out soon enough..

My life is lack a certain kind of drama.. This is almost a ritualistic kind of drama that I need to grow out of. Drama that I inflict upon myself rather than the situations I'm put into because of my association with people that surround me.

Watch and read about how I deteriorate my life into oblivion and then re-create myself. Much like a soap-opera.. Fun!

The Rage Inside

We're all capable of astounding feats of rage.
From the lowly doormat to the known short fuse.

In this state of anger, are we really different people altogether? Is it really that implausible that we can not identify with our other 'neutral' personality? Anger is often used as a crutch of sorts to say/do what is/was really being repressed by the mind all along. You shouldn't apologize to a person for the things said during an angry phase, the person must have just acted as a catalyst to give you a brief glimpse of what you were as a person all along.

We're all designed to live in a society, thus we all evolve a set of filters, a set of mental filters to weed out the anti-social thoughts, or any thoughts really that would lead us to unpopularity and exclusion from society. It all connects at the end of the day to the fact that we live to reproduce and whether you're a man or a woman, being anti-social in thoughts, words and especially actions means that you're not the most capable provider around.
To women, they wouldn't want to take the chance of being with someone who can't provide and sustain their offspring. Anyone who screams their guts out when things do not go as planned or goes around slapping people when they've been wronged, will eventually be institutionalized and thus ostracized and turn out to not be such a good provider after all.
To men, they simply just wouldn't want their child to inherit qualities of being short tempered, simply because it isn't a very attractive a trait to the female of the species. Since the only point to everything is procreation, anger as a gene, is consciously or subconsciously tried to be filtered out.

Working against this, is the increased pace of life. The fact that we're now more than even persistently hounded by a lot of people. Parents, friends and siblings were the old problems. To add to this, we now have people like banks, jobs, insurance agents, cell phone companies, internet providers and yes even people like call-center employees, credit card companies, advertisers and salesmen on the lookout for you! Anger really becomes part of our daily life, right from when you wake to find it pouring when you have a two hour commute to work ahead of you, to the horrendous traffic conditions only accentuated by cold and boorish people you meet on route. Your workplace is really where things might get worse but you grim and bear it only to remember you have another two hour commute ahead of you only to reach home and be reminded constantly by your parents/spouse that you're probably not doing things that you should be and are probably wasting your life.


Now remember, as a species, we've always been angry, right from when we evolved, as a defense mechanism. As you know, when angry, we're all capable of feats of strength, mental and/or physical, that would otherwise not be possible. That is because we've learnt, rather been taught to repress ourselves, mentally, emotionally and physically. When anger, through millions of years of evolution, all these barricades are broken to allow the person access to his almost full potential with a complete disregard of the society around him. The person goes into survival mode and probably equates that state of survival higher than any social implications he might face.


Words spoken when angry, actions done, thoughts had give you a brilliant insight into what you really are as an individual. You might want to live in the illusion that you're the perfect societal person, that you're caring, emotional, docile and altruistic. But the truth is far from innocent. You're a cold blooded, hard boiled person. Someone who would hurt someone else in the blink of an eye for personal gratification. You just haven't been in the condition where your anger unlocks these qualities for you yet.

How can you not be this vile survivalist? But completely ridding yourself of anger. But is that even possible? It is about here that people thing of Gandhi, but well, better examples exist. Ridding yourself of anger takes a few "realization" that are simple really, or so they sound. But realizing these few very basic notions, can in effect complete amputate anger as one does with a rotting limb.

1) Life as we know it ultimately is or leads to suffering/uneasiness (dukkha) in one way or another.
2) Suffering is caused by craving. This is often expressed as a deluded clinging to a certain sense of existence, to selfhood, or to the things or phenomena that we consider the cause of happiness or unhappiness. Craving also has its negative aspect, i.e. one craves that a certain state of affairs not exist.
3) Suffering ends when craving ends. This is achieved by eliminating delusion, thereby reaching a liberated state of Enlightenment.


Realize and end anger and along with it, worldly suffering. Sounds so very simple. Yet takes an entire lifetime to achieve.

Friends with benefits

I feel I have a certain obligation to explain my very misleading title.
Friends with benefits, in my community is to be a persons friend, but along with just that person, you inherit their friends, their parents, their pets, their social circles, their likes, dislikes and probably even their barber.

Sounds familiar?
you look confused, "where's the benefit?" I hear you ask..
I didn't mean to your benefit, now did I?

Complete benefit to them! the friend in question!

Why can't i just be friends with a person for what that person is! I don't want to have to check up on your mom OR keep in touch with her! neither do i want to hang out with your friends, nor do i EVER feel the need to say nice things about your pet!

I've decided to maintain this relationship purely because i might like you as a person. Well 'might' is a strong word you will agree.

Killed by understanding!

I've quit.
And im very aware of how i've said this in the very very near past, but you know how you think you cant give more, till you really do reach a point where you can't breathe?
I'll very graciously leave the details out of this one, suffice to say, I as an individual shouldn't have to be answerable to anyone or anything. That is just the natural order of things.
I should have to feel obligated to explain myself to anyone and worse, be misunderstood by a lesser mind and be constantly brought down because of the lack of understanding.

Its funny how people sell understanding as a concept to you. Like little cupcakes in a bakery. They're so nice! so much better than that other persons! I'll understand! That's who I am as a person really, Mr/Ms fucking understanding! thats me alrighty!
until you finally decide to give them a chance and buy one of their cupcakes.
Then WHAMMOOO
They're just like everyone else you meet really..
Sure they've caring, (as much as a human can be really, i see you dog lovers nodding approvingly, gracious)
but are they understanding of your thoughts and predicaments and experiences?
Heeeeeelllllll no..

They might display a rare decorum and not even bring it up in the first week, but you know it struck a chord, you know, you just know, that you gave life to something right there.. You've just birthed a small little leprechaun and not the fat jovial kind either.. the kind that'll just sit there festering and getting drunk. Until one day YOU KNOW it will just vomit out of the person with a venom that will only destroy you for ever having created it.

Understanding.. A funny concept.
Mostly it is an attitude we fake to know what others really think. We're not understanding at all! Bah! the thought of it! No judging someone else? Fuck off no! You must be drunk, the lot of ya!

I really just want to find a group of people that go, "look desmond, you're a fucking prick. I don't like you one bit! Your womanizing, drunken ways are not approved of here. You ideas and life's philosophies are shit and your mothers fat. Now that everything's said, lets go grab a drink and talk of the shit weather we've been having"

Resignation..

Dear all,

Please accept this resignation from the post of "Your Friend" with immediate effect..
It was an honor and a pleasure working with you for the past number of years..

I sincerely feel its time for me to seek a change of environment, this leave will also give me time to work on myself as an individual..
The reason, partially if anything, is the fact that i seek enlightenment and growth more than comfort. I've been there for you with the thought that my association would better the organisation. In due time I've come to realize, the system is too strong to be taken over and furthermore, does not even seek change in the most positive sense.. the tendency to maintain current state of comfort is too overwhelming to ever attempt change..

I've toiled, sweat drops of blood, worked late, broken personal appointments all in the name of progressing this company, the astonishingly bad rate of return has me disillusioned with what I was attempting to do in the first place..

Instead of being a rich man for my efforts, Im just a tired man.
An exhausted, mentally spent, depressed man.

With that in mind, please accept my resignation,
I wish i could say that i would be there to assist in the transitory period, but i fail to see the point in the same..


Not yours anymore
Desmond

"was it me?" "let me think about that for awhile.."

Have you ever been asked the familiar question, Was it me? or is it because of me?
What IS your answer to that? YES! it was you! it was always you! you ARE/WERE the one!

It try and not, as much as humanly possible ask "the question" it is annoying to say the least!!

Was it me? Naaahhh it was someone else.. A ninja jumped out of the bushes and did it! Aliens travel a couple of light years and through a couple of worm holes to do it! it was preplanned, god wanted it to happen! you? never in a million years! How DARE you insinuate that you thought that i thought that it was you! Frankly my dear, I'm a bit offended! Im Very offended! Im raging mad! raving mad even! ranting mad!

Nothing a little more jesus juice wont solve..

Cheers..

The mess cleaner..

Thats what I am..
The designated sweeper of the streets of mental filth..
Go ahead, come to me with all your problems and insignificant squabbles..
I have literally ALL the time in the world to hear your nonsense out and give you all solutions to the rubbish you'll are going through..

Cause I exist in an alternate dimension of time and space.. where I have no real worries and I have no problems.. so feel free, please..

But really, like honestly, I love listening to your problems, all of you..
It gives me a glimpse into the lives I did not chose to live..
So instead of pointing at laughing at my antisocial nature, of how I'd just rather sit alone and read a book than drink, at how i'd rather meet a random person for a date than meet any of you, of how I'd just rather stay home alone for 5 days than invite you all over, just for a second rethink what it is that you are living..
it certainly isn't a life.. not a very fulfilling life.. If it was, the shoe would've been on the other foot..
Wouldn't it?

Home alone and half a bottle of wine later.

Now it comes to my attention, not as a surprise i might add, that i HAVE been neglecting you, my most treasured asset, my audience
*looks around to an empty auditorium*
The reason being, i do not cherish stepping on other peoples toes..
And my thought process and in turn speech, invariably that..
Just call my desmond, the boy who hurts.

But well, there comes a time in every mans *read:boy* life, when he goes, ahhhhhh fuck it.
So the theme of my blog is a bit changed from this post..
This used to be a place where i could bounce my ideas of a future me.. Just in case i evolve my current notions and ideas, i'd one day like to have a thought-map showing me where exactly it evolved from..
This is now going to be a testament of the stupidity i encounter.. Mostly because honestly, I've had it. I have.. I'm done with this nice guy nonsense. Whatever gave people that idea.

So consider this post fair warning... If you're going to be illogical around me in a way that wastes my brain wave, you WILL be featured on here..

In the immortal words of Jim Reeves,
"Adios Amigos.. Adious my friends.. the road we have traveled has come to an end."

Opening doors

I stand here before the threshold something definitive. Greatness..
all but a few chains left. feel lighter already..

been weighed down by the burden of the world. like a vigilante who isn't on the payroll.. It IS a thankless job indeed.

Well, its time to give up the Batman cape for the silk robes of a person going into exile. Exile within myself. On a determined quest for knowledge and understanding.

A place without blaring music, booze and minuscule misgivings.


Went for mass after a considerable time spent away and almost immediately, was rudely reminded of all the reason i don't keep up the charade.


A last thought? well, the aftermath of my decisions are going to leave a lot of people feeling like they're shortchanged.. If they do feel thus, turns out, they weren't good for me to begin with.
Everyone can want greatness, few lean towards achieving it, fewer still make the final sacrifices necessary for that final leap.

My Personal "Drama"

Im tied up.. In ways unimaginable, tethered to people by indescribable soft and yet resilient chains that keep us in an unwanted bond.
Severing ties with these people described is as herculean a task as it would be to take the place of Atlantis under the world.
And yet. Here I stand, before myself. As nude and naked as the day I arrived, if not even more exposed in comparison.
I stand and stare at myself, the shame and guilt soon to be replaced by ego and stubborn resolve as I see strings extending from my person, silvery string of infinite smoothness. Each one connected to a person.
A person that has managed to break into and reside in a small part of my otherwise “stone” heart. Many people of these people today serve absolutely no purpose, but are only a reminiscent of a relationship that was. A relationship that once worked and now is as dead as the most of me is inside.
The time is at hand, to disconnect these strings. Until the only person that exists, is me. For that is the only person that should exist. For the strings don’t make existing any easier. I’m subjected to all the sorrows, the pain, the problems and drama that the people I’m connected to have to offer.
Problems that I can solve while being blindfolded, juggling three chainsaws and riding a unicycle. My state of peace, is in a constant state of conflict with having to deal with idiots who’s biggest problem comparatively is as small as not being able to tie their shoelaces.
Soon I tell myself. Soon I shall find peace from people and their miniscule, insignificant little problems.

welcome to my heart

clouded by emotion, my heart struggles to make sense,
not only of the events that concerns him, but also to account for the welfare of loved ones.
And with that, with every decision he makes, he ties a rope around himself and plunges into a lake of sorrow, his little head never to come up even a single time for air.
For some decisions are logical ones, prompted by harsh and cold facts.
Others lie beyond the realm of practicality. It takes sheer will to be able to make these decisions and forgo rationale and a working mind.
My little heart struggles to breathe as unforseen events suffocate him and as the coldness and the very brutal nature of people get under his skin.
He feels rubbed raw by the very essence of love and a bit robbed by the same.

Love not only in the short term practical sense, but in the fuller truer sense of the word. Cause he's seen a lot of 'love' and he's been let down more than a couple of times.

Maybe it is time to settle down, Opt for that style of life again.
Find someone that connects at a mental plane for the emotional one to connect.
A daunting task nevertheless, is something that be increasingly identified as a need more than a want.


I know I've said I only belong to myself, but what do you do when yourself rejects you?

those who wait

Every noticed how people don't really have the time or the paitience to meditate? Too much time they say, can't concentrate they say,
Notice how these same people when in a queue, become the most patient people you've ever seen!! So much for patience being a virtue..
Its apparently all about how well a person is socially conditioned to realize and accept that there's not much he can do about anything when waiting in queue.. Once that sets in, the person moves into a meditative state that even sages would envy..
They feel no natural urges, feelings of hunger die down and are conquered, sleep is now only an undesired disturbance that can be kept at bay until the task at hand is completed..
They go into a zombie like state, feel no need for conversation, or other people in general..
All because they realize their lack of free will in the matter..
Ahh this life we lead...

Peace of mind

As I urge this little note into some form of tangible existence, I’m forced to recollect with a certain sense of nostalgia all the events that worked to give it life.
Peace of mind is a strained concept. We often in fact experience it, but never really know we’re waist deep within its warm embrace, instead, were rather unsettled by its uncomfortable sense of quiet and calm. So we grab the nearest stick, waving our arms around, striking the peace all around us, causing ripples.
If only we would realize.. It is not the peace we’re trying to dispel, it’s the unfamiliar sense of being, of existing within ourselves, completely self reliant. We’re completely uneasy with the knowledge that we can survive within ourselves, because we’ve always been taught from a very early age to rely on others. For guidance, for support, for functioning as social beings.

Armed with the sticks made up of these frivolities, we strike at our peace, before it gets a chance to concretize and become permanent.

Over the past few months, a growing sense of discordance has begun to settle into my life. Something does not seem to resound with how my life should’ve been, something seems greatly amiss from my ideal life.

I’ve not been able to let go.

Of situations, of people, of thoughts, of possessions, of life..
Made I’ve not yet made up my mind if I want to exist as I truly should, or want to continue this existence where I conform to the notions people have set. For if I wanted it, if I truly did, nothing would be able to restraint me. Shackles of iron would seem to be inefficient..

My sense of peace comes from knowing myself, from knowing my situations and after my analysis, from being able to let go and completely detach.

Lately, detachment seems a bit tough to say the least..

Soon..

The long weekend.

There’s a lot that could be said about the weekend I endured. And while it is in my nature to incessantly type away about the happenings in a nonchalant manner, this time, just this time, I think I’ll refrain.
I think I’ve learnt a lot about myself and about others.
What makes them feel, think and in a broader sense, what makes them tick.

Relationships were tested, some got strained, and others found a renewed sense of belonging.
Some found that they weren’t as strong as they thought they were, some found that in crisis, they not only went the extra mile, they did it on a path of thorns.

The weekend is not yet over and yet, a certain sense of finality has crept in. The result of my thinking across these last two days will probably fight its way out from the recesses of my mind onto future posts, but for now, I find a certain sense of completion in this one.

Onto the next week and I’m already prepared,
My mind is ready and I’m not a bit scared.
For I am strong, stronger than I chose to believe,
I’ve been searching for strength, all along, it was up my sleeve!

Peace - A fleeting concept

Is peace a reflection of my inner state? Is it merely a passing mood or is it a way of life.
My understanding of peace I’ve realized is only a reflection of the life I lead and my school of though.
True inner peace I’ve decided is a state of complete acceptance. In the thoughts, actions and reactions of myself and everyone I’ve ever associated with or ever will.
It is only when I’ve accepted life with all its variations and trials completely that I will ever find inner peace. Does this necessarily mean giving up all distractions of the mind and body? All the illusions or maya this physical world creates for me?
I don’t really think the answer lies in abstaining completely from all of life’s material pleasures or even emotional ties, but if you can, it will only speed up your journey to peace.
To me, acceptance is a state of being one can being work right away on. Accept people for who they are and don’t attempt to judge. Accepting your own shortcomings will only help you work on them. The first step to progress always entails first with the realization of where you truly are. It is only after this realization of where you are that you chose where to go.
Peace is most desirable, but if not true inner peace, is also fleeting.
It can just as easily be drowned in the sorrows and confusion of today’s hectic life.

And one fine day, when supreme acceptance has set in, peace shall follow.
That is the day you will realize, that you no longer fit into any moulds, don’t get along with anyone you ever knew and cannot exist anymore as the person you used to be.

My friends - the spinning plates.

I usually come up with many varied analogies to explain myself, ranging from the totally sensible ones to ones that are random and weird but accurate.

This one I particularly like.

Have you ever witnessed the art where a man spins multiple plates on pins or nails? He spins them on his finger and places them on a nail so that they keep rotating whilst he takes the next one and so on. These people usually manage to spin about 15-20 plates before the first one loses enough momentum to spin itself off the nail.

I am this spinner of plates and my friends are these plates.

At any point there exists a point of elasticity of the number of friends I can have, too many and a few of them automatically lose momentum and fall..

Some of the friends aren't spun with enough of skill to sustain their rotation, so they lose momentum and fall off on their own.

Some of the friends are too different, plates I'm not used to or don't feel right, hence they don't spin quite as well, fall off.

Few plates get affected by external factors, people blowing bad winds of information of them, lose momentum.

Here's where it gets interesting for me,
I can't as any good plate spinner, let two plates ever collide. Both crash to the ground. In a similar fashion, I can never let two friends collide. They both clash terribly and fall off leaving pieces of glass/material everywhere that might at times even prick me after they've broken. A broken plate can never be respun with the same integrity as before. They just spin awkwardly for a while and fall off.

And then there are plates that just spin. Perfectly rounded, of perfect make, no off centered weights to tip them, don't get affect by any external factors and don't clash with any of the others spinning.. These are the plates that will be spinning long after every else has crashed and broken into millions of little pieces.


And so are my friends like spinning plates.

Everyone Hurts

There comes a time in everyone life when everybody hurts.

A time wherein you don't so much as want to even look at another persons face or even hear them cough. In Mumbai, the city where I live, this feeling is even more accentuated by the fact that it is much easier to be emotionally alone than physically. You're surrounded by people physically at every moment of the day. Packed trains to work, crowded buses, busy work places, bustling streets, houseful theaters, noisy restaurants and so on. In a place like this, how does one really get away to be alone.

The aggravation of a person is only alleviated when a certain sense creeps in that he cannot even escape from other people, how then, is he to escape from the confines of his own mind and thoughts!

We're traceable and track-able everywhere we go. Cellphones, the internet, Gps and google maps. The whole world has been neatly plotted out on proverbial paper.

Will we ever burn our maps, leave the cell phone home and just wander in a state of reckless abandon? Will we ever stray from the pavement or the often taken make-shift roads already provided? Why do we take the concretized road up a mountain or run up the wild and uncharted part where the trees grow will and mother nature resides in all her splendor!

This "Man-made" world has begun to become more than just a regular annoyance.
And while in no way am I suggesting abandoning all that science and progress has to offer, all I'm saying is, we're losing a small but essential bit of ourselves as a price to our progress.

It isn't long before I'm out on a misanthropic journey away from all things tangible. A journey that I hope will lead my to answers, mostly about myself. Answers to relatively easy questions that have been unanswered mostly to satisfy my ever growing ego.

And the day I gave up my ego, is the last day I shall post here. It shall not matter to me then what happens of you. For to learn to be selfless, I have to first be selfish.
To be free, I have to know what being imprisoned means.
and to be at peace, I have to know what it is like to be truly at war, For peace has no definition.

Peace is just a state of Zero war :)


Mental Peace is all I'll ever seek :)

The world of today

Welcome to the world of today, where goodness is a quality read about in books, peace is a virtue only to be got by noise cancelling headphones and happiness is determined by the money you have in your pockets.

We're a lucky bunch, we truly are, Insects on the face of this earth who give more importance to their possessions and their appearance than the true beauty that they are immersed in and yet are oblivious to.
Apparently, my sources inform me that I need to wear a Tommy Hilfiger watch and Diesel jeans or else no one will take me seriously. I need shirts woven from the best linen money can buy and shoes made out of the purest leather to make my mark on the minds of others. I need to comb my hair a certain way and trim my facial hair a certain length to make an impact on the minds of others and truly define my individuality.
Its getting so we're all beginning to resemble products in a factory's production line.
We're the blackberry boys, and not only that, we all part our hair the same way, we all wear the same pinstripes or vertical stripes (statistics say horizontal ones make us look fat). We're all in very soothing shades on blue, white and yellow (these colors have a calming effect of anyone that looks our way) and we're all in the same black, blue or brown formal trousers with the black leather shoes.
So if clothes make-th the man, are we all aspiring to be the same man?

When we're distressed or emotionally distraught, eating a tub of ice-cream or smoking that cigarette will uplift the mood instantaneously! When we've just had a fight with a person we love, watching that sit-com will blow those negative emotions right away (only to reappear at the most inopportune time) and when we need a hug the most, we're used to making do with the *hug* on sms or a message on a social networking sight.
Phones and the internet have cut out the need for human interaction, but wait, we already know that and yet can't do a thing about it. We not only propagate this rubbish practice but also do not let it die with alarming conviction.

We seek mental refuge in machines that divert our true emotions away. Machines that take us to another land by keeping us in a false lullaby with music, movies and other forms of entertainment. Is this sounding familiar to the Matrix already? If not, then you probably haven't watched it yet.

And thus I despise the lot of you. Not that I'm any different from you, which is why I despise myself.

Soon the mountains will call, as sure as rain.
And when that call comes, you can be sure i'll be there to take it.

It is peace I seek,
It is peace I shall attain.

Brain or Heart? For that is the question..

Is it love I feel or an accentuation of lust.
For my body betrays what my heart feels
I can no longer count on my brain to think.
For my brain is only but a product of my emotions.

My brain is never independent of emotions.
Fear, love, jealousy, anger all rule my judgement.
How then can I be a thinking animal? I must be a feeling one!
For feelings override every thought that my brain births.

I must find a way to think! to be free of feeling
It is then that my mental anguish shall end.
It is then that I will finally being to live.
I must let go of my past and my feelings,
and finally look forward to conscious thought
Or be drowned in a pool of my own emotions.
and be consumed by myself..

Background tracks and emotions

I always wished life had a soundtrack..
A track that always complimented the situation and my mood, drowning out the moment and engulfing my soul in a torrent of emotion.
Sadly, there's was no background score to my heart breaking.
No tune, no song playing whilst I sat all those times tearful by myself.
The world didn't slow down in a moment that allowed me to appreciate my state more than I already did.

The only thing you feel when your heart breaks, is your heart breaking.
Shattering into little bits of yourself, flying into every direction taking down everything in their way.

heartbreak *sigh..

If you do ever get over it, you promise yourself that you owe it too much to yourself to ever let you feel that way again.
And yet,
here you are, pieces of heart on the floor, tears streaming down your face and your makeup smudged.

Let me hug you. Let me comfort you. Let me take you in..
I can't heal your broken heart. I can't even begin to understand how you feel.

But I can make the world go away with a simple hug.
So come closer.. leave your worries at the door..
Bury your head in my chest..
Drift off in a state of peace.

Last words

Can you think of your last words ever to the people you loved?
Have they been words of encouragement? Of making them feel safe, loved and wanted or are they angst ridden words that indicate turmoil.
Last words have a profound long term impact on people. They’re the first thing they think of when they reminisce about you. When nostalgic, those last words will always be remembered. They words have the ability to conjure up a whole range of varied emotions in people. Right from anger to sadness, from feeling loved, to feeling despised and hated, from feeling brotherhood to feeling unwanted.
Do you remember the last words of people you’ve loved and have now lost?
Were they all you wanted them to be? Did they make you feel special and loved?

Not everyone has the privilege of a death bed. Some people die before they get the chance to tell you that they love you. That you meant the world to them. That they find it impossible to function at even a day to day level without hearing your voice. That the day just isn’t the same when they’ve woken up to find you are away and not lying there in bed next to them. People are robbed of the chance to tell you that they’d discovered the meaning of love the day they met you. That a single smile on your face is worth a thousand frowns on their own. That they’d walk until forever, just to meet you for a minute. That they find all the comfort they’ll ever need in one last hug.

Some people don’t get the chance to say, “thank you, you’ve been the best parent you could be”, that they couldn’t have been the people they are today if not first being created by you. Thank you for all those nights you stayed up in patience whilst I cried. Thank you for buying me that new cycle with the money you’d been saving up for what would be the replacement to your torn shoes. Thank you for those days of summer vacation you made fun. Thank you for spending about 500 vacation’s worth of money raising me. Thank you for understanding me or for the times you don’t; trusting me.

People die without saying, thank you for being the best friend life could ever offer. For knowing me better than myself. For always standing by me in a fight. For wanting to have my back, even if that meant following me to hell. For standing behind me when I lacked confidence. For letting go of me when you realized that you’d never match up in ways. For always thinking of my feelings as if they were created by your own heart. For saying that you’ll always be there.

So what are your last words going to be?
Life is too short and unpredictable. In a world where potentially every last word could be your last, make them count.

Paraplegic in a handicap accessible world

Welcome to the world of today, where the rich get richer and the poor get poorer and being mentally retarded now seems to be the norm. Yes it is true! If your brains now function a bit slower than usual and there has never been a better decade or you to exist than now. Of course I am talking about a lot of you that have the amount of brain function that matches ---that of an earthworm!

You care about the dust in the air and the pollution in the atmosphere, the germs in your food and the calories in what you eat and even the texture of your hair, blissfully ignoring the fact that you have missed the train of intelligence. So you stand there clutching onto your umbrella for dear life in the midst of summer wearing a condom even though you are not going got have sex and wearing gumboots on dry pavement waving merrily at the people seated in the train moving ahead with a smile on your face that matched that of Forest Gump.

But wait a minute – what exactly have you let go by missing a single train? Life? Money? Friends? A social circuit? NO
You’ve missed out on the very meaning of why you exist, and why is it that you exist? What purpose is served buy the suit of flesh you don? Oh you are a despicable lot you! You come, you eat, you love, you procreate, you cry and you die! What difference have you made? Whose lives have you touched? What kindness have you shown? Why aren’t suicide points all not that much popular?

The train of intelligence brings along with it a certain sense of oneness. Oneness in the knowledge that that you will always be oblivious to the external world as well as the world existing within yourself, the world of inner happiness, the world of inner peace and mental tranquility, so you stand there with a smile on your face not because you are truly happy,, but because your Ipod is now blasting your favorite song in your ear painfully making it painfully obvious that you choose temporary happiness over the meaning of life, so you lie in your own filth, the self acknowledged sense of material happiness fueled by your material possessions.

The next train is never too far away, the arrival of the train of intelligence is sure as rain itself. The train stops for no man and it heralds its arrival by sounding its horn from afar. So cast aside your umbrella, take off your gumboots and pull away the condom, for your time is now! Now is the time to truly make a change in the world, now is YOUR time of decision. Your exertion of free will like never before! And the train draws nearer to the station, move nearer towards the platform with anticipation of the gift you are about to receive. You are about to receive the gift of being redeemed, and as the train is almost at the platform, fling yourself in front of it on the tracks, for you shall never change. You are beyond the help of intelligence and it is your destiny to be fodder for people who actually value the importance of intelligence, thus in this way not be ending your miserable existence but finally adding some meaning to it…

Into the mind of Desmond, or so i thought

My blog is supposed to exist as an insight into the inner workings of my mind.
What the original purpose this served seems to escape me at the moment. I guess the commonly shared need to be heard. for what purpose though?
My blog, this particular one anyway, was supposed to act as an online diary of sorts. To remind me of things of things I've seen, felt and thought.
To remind me of the loves I've lost, gained and mostly taken for granted. Of the people I've lost touch with, or simply lost to the twirls of fate.
To the passions I've had and shared, most of which now exist slumbering in coffins, only to be awoken rudely by my soul stirring for deeper meaning.

yes, this blog in the not too far future will also act as an obituary of sorts. A log of my misgiving and immaturity. A standing tribute to my mental mess and truly confused personality.

Or in a perfect world, this can be a testament to the life I've lead. This could log my metamorphosis into the person I intend to be, rising from the sub-par environment that surrounds me to live a life of peace and higher meaning.

Life is, what I make of it, my times starts now.

Lost souls and ghost loves.

We all are in some way still in love with a ghost of a person we knew..
An embodiment of a person that we loved, the way they used to be when we loved them.
To us in a way, we'll always have a soft corner for that ghost. There arises a problem only when the real person differs so vastly from the ghost image we've held onto, that then, the person holds even lesser value in a way, from the ghost.


I've tried my best. Now its upto the Gods of chance and fate.
Tried to disprove your very existence, erasing you from everything tangible.
How do i delete you from my intangible memories. Memories that will forever haunt me, reminiscent of times of happiness.
I can delete a facebook account, i can block you on chat, I can never delete your number from my brain.
I can't delete the times we've spent. ever..

So i walk around, my brain clouded by a thick fog of disapproval.
Disapproval mainly from my thinking self forcing me to wonder what exactly I'm nostalgic about. For amongst the good memories, were also extremely painful ones.
I was recently asked when I last cried. If the pain I've felt could be expressed in earthly terms of crying, I'd be crying a river by this point.. But my mask is much stronger. So is my resolve. I AM a rock.. And thusly i shall act..

I wish you best.. Moreover, I wish me best.

Here's to distractions, we live our entire life being distracted by things that really matter so as not to live a life of pain only to then live a life of regret..

Cheers.

Am I?

Am I a bad person?