So I'm not totally Buddhist or enlightened.
Not even partly or slightly. I'm just a guy with temper issues.
And even though I've spent many reading hours having some quack tell me that it isn't positive to withhold anger, I can help but.
My anger resides in a small ball of pure glowing white rage somewhere at the back of my head. Now I know this is probably not the best for me personally, but i think of it as the least I can do for the people I "allegedly" care for.
I don't always get the same consideration from these same people mind you, who won't think twice about using this same rage as a crutch to launch crippling attacks on my emotions and mental being, but that isn't what we're talking about here.
Anger, is well, eventually let out. although for me, It usually takes a lot to provoke me to display my array of anger induced venom.
Lately, surviving a multitude of person attacks, I've come to realize a few certain number of truths more intensely than ever before.
1) Even Hitler thought he was a great man. So did Castro, Laden, Saddam and everyone else that terrorized millions. If these people could reject everything bad everyone said about them, then why not you? We're seemingly built to rarely, if never, take conscious blame for any of our actions/thoughts or words, because our "intentions" are always clearly either good or neutral to us! We will even dismiss someone's comments of how we are the one killing them into depression as the other persons self doing. While in most of the cases, we like to play victim when we really aren't, we simply have to realize for ourselves when exactly we're being Hitlers and Saddams.
2) Social isn't bad, neither is antisocial. By No means am I a very social person and of late, my tendencies towards living a solitary life are becoming more and more apparent. Very soon I shall retreat to my solitary cave only to come out for food, sex and photography. But until then, I live life on my own terms, which aren't apparently all that much of a hit with other people, especially friends and family. I don't like going for birthday parties, I dont like reminiscing for the hundred time about a life I led and I especially don't like being surrounded by crowds in the midst of blaring music! But in this world where I fit almost like a glove into the antisocial territory, there are actually a group of people that think I'm social! talk about confused humans!
I'm amused dating sporadically, I have about five hundred people on networking sites, and they may jump into random conversations about insignificant topics now and again. But then, Im always offline, never meet anyone and am never on the phone to reminisce. Social? I'll let you decide, especially when the accusations come from people who find it tough letting even the trash go from their lives.
3) It has been brought to my attention, by myself, that I am wasting my life.
I've definitely been working on it, and have already launched what I call the "First One Year Plan", I assume I've written about this already it encompasses music, photography, writing and traveling.. Now it is true, I'll definitely move at a slower pace that I would if i were completely free, but well, I'm just a sucker for things I find there to be a future in, call me stupid..
That it, im done.. *sigh.
Oh yea, and incase you've actually read this, drop by my photostream too
http://www.flickr.com/photos/25937835@N07/page1/
Sunday, June 26, 2011
Sunday, June 12, 2011
One Hundred Posts
I've been here awhile. One hundred posts on here.
Let my hundredth post mark my descent into a life for drama, if only for a while.
Its time to step into the crowds and be as involved as I could be.
Indulge myself into the pleasures of the senses of all kinda. Intoxicants of every kind shall be sought and consumed until my brain is foggier than the thickest of soups.
What is the purpose of this you ask?
Well, I honestly don't know.. But hey, We'll find out soon enough..
My life is lack a certain kind of drama.. This is almost a ritualistic kind of drama that I need to grow out of. Drama that I inflict upon myself rather than the situations I'm put into because of my association with people that surround me.
Watch and read about how I deteriorate my life into oblivion and then re-create myself. Much like a soap-opera.. Fun!
Let my hundredth post mark my descent into a life for drama, if only for a while.
Its time to step into the crowds and be as involved as I could be.
Indulge myself into the pleasures of the senses of all kinda. Intoxicants of every kind shall be sought and consumed until my brain is foggier than the thickest of soups.
What is the purpose of this you ask?
Well, I honestly don't know.. But hey, We'll find out soon enough..
My life is lack a certain kind of drama.. This is almost a ritualistic kind of drama that I need to grow out of. Drama that I inflict upon myself rather than the situations I'm put into because of my association with people that surround me.
Watch and read about how I deteriorate my life into oblivion and then re-create myself. Much like a soap-opera.. Fun!
The Rage Inside
We're all capable of astounding feats of rage.
From the lowly doormat to the known short fuse.
In this state of anger, are we really different people altogether? Is it really that implausible that we can not identify with our other 'neutral' personality? Anger is often used as a crutch of sorts to say/do what is/was really being repressed by the mind all along. You shouldn't apologize to a person for the things said during an angry phase, the person must have just acted as a catalyst to give you a brief glimpse of what you were as a person all along.
We're all designed to live in a society, thus we all evolve a set of filters, a set of mental filters to weed out the anti-social thoughts, or any thoughts really that would lead us to unpopularity and exclusion from society. It all connects at the end of the day to the fact that we live to reproduce and whether you're a man or a woman, being anti-social in thoughts, words and especially actions means that you're not the most capable provider around.
To women, they wouldn't want to take the chance of being with someone who can't provide and sustain their offspring. Anyone who screams their guts out when things do not go as planned or goes around slapping people when they've been wronged, will eventually be institutionalized and thus ostracized and turn out to not be such a good provider after all.
To men, they simply just wouldn't want their child to inherit qualities of being short tempered, simply because it isn't a very attractive a trait to the female of the species. Since the only point to everything is procreation, anger as a gene, is consciously or subconsciously tried to be filtered out.
Working against this, is the increased pace of life. The fact that we're now more than even persistently hounded by a lot of people. Parents, friends and siblings were the old problems. To add to this, we now have people like banks, jobs, insurance agents, cell phone companies, internet providers and yes even people like call-center employees, credit card companies, advertisers and salesmen on the lookout for you! Anger really becomes part of our daily life, right from when you wake to find it pouring when you have a two hour commute to work ahead of you, to the horrendous traffic conditions only accentuated by cold and boorish people you meet on route. Your workplace is really where things might get worse but you grim and bear it only to remember you have another two hour commute ahead of you only to reach home and be reminded constantly by your parents/spouse that you're probably not doing things that you should be and are probably wasting your life.
Now remember, as a species, we've always been angry, right from when we evolved, as a defense mechanism. As you know, when angry, we're all capable of feats of strength, mental and/or physical, that would otherwise not be possible. That is because we've learnt, rather been taught to repress ourselves, mentally, emotionally and physically. When anger, through millions of years of evolution, all these barricades are broken to allow the person access to his almost full potential with a complete disregard of the society around him. The person goes into survival mode and probably equates that state of survival higher than any social implications he might face.
Words spoken when angry, actions done, thoughts had give you a brilliant insight into what you really are as an individual. You might want to live in the illusion that you're the perfect societal person, that you're caring, emotional, docile and altruistic. But the truth is far from innocent. You're a cold blooded, hard boiled person. Someone who would hurt someone else in the blink of an eye for personal gratification. You just haven't been in the condition where your anger unlocks these qualities for you yet.
How can you not be this vile survivalist? But completely ridding yourself of anger. But is that even possible? It is about here that people thing of Gandhi, but well, better examples exist. Ridding yourself of anger takes a few "realization" that are simple really, or so they sound. But realizing these few very basic notions, can in effect complete amputate anger as one does with a rotting limb.
1) Life as we know it ultimately is or leads to suffering/uneasiness (dukkha) in one way or another.
2) Suffering is caused by craving. This is often expressed as a deluded clinging to a certain sense of existence, to selfhood, or to the things or phenomena that we consider the cause of happiness or unhappiness. Craving also has its negative aspect, i.e. one craves that a certain state of affairs not exist.
3) Suffering ends when craving ends. This is achieved by eliminating delusion, thereby reaching a liberated state of Enlightenment.
Realize and end anger and along with it, worldly suffering. Sounds so very simple. Yet takes an entire lifetime to achieve.
From the lowly doormat to the known short fuse.
In this state of anger, are we really different people altogether? Is it really that implausible that we can not identify with our other 'neutral' personality? Anger is often used as a crutch of sorts to say/do what is/was really being repressed by the mind all along. You shouldn't apologize to a person for the things said during an angry phase, the person must have just acted as a catalyst to give you a brief glimpse of what you were as a person all along.
We're all designed to live in a society, thus we all evolve a set of filters, a set of mental filters to weed out the anti-social thoughts, or any thoughts really that would lead us to unpopularity and exclusion from society. It all connects at the end of the day to the fact that we live to reproduce and whether you're a man or a woman, being anti-social in thoughts, words and especially actions means that you're not the most capable provider around.
To women, they wouldn't want to take the chance of being with someone who can't provide and sustain their offspring. Anyone who screams their guts out when things do not go as planned or goes around slapping people when they've been wronged, will eventually be institutionalized and thus ostracized and turn out to not be such a good provider after all.
To men, they simply just wouldn't want their child to inherit qualities of being short tempered, simply because it isn't a very attractive a trait to the female of the species. Since the only point to everything is procreation, anger as a gene, is consciously or subconsciously tried to be filtered out.
Working against this, is the increased pace of life. The fact that we're now more than even persistently hounded by a lot of people. Parents, friends and siblings were the old problems. To add to this, we now have people like banks, jobs, insurance agents, cell phone companies, internet providers and yes even people like call-center employees, credit card companies, advertisers and salesmen on the lookout for you! Anger really becomes part of our daily life, right from when you wake to find it pouring when you have a two hour commute to work ahead of you, to the horrendous traffic conditions only accentuated by cold and boorish people you meet on route. Your workplace is really where things might get worse but you grim and bear it only to remember you have another two hour commute ahead of you only to reach home and be reminded constantly by your parents/spouse that you're probably not doing things that you should be and are probably wasting your life.
Now remember, as a species, we've always been angry, right from when we evolved, as a defense mechanism. As you know, when angry, we're all capable of feats of strength, mental and/or physical, that would otherwise not be possible. That is because we've learnt, rather been taught to repress ourselves, mentally, emotionally and physically. When anger, through millions of years of evolution, all these barricades are broken to allow the person access to his almost full potential with a complete disregard of the society around him. The person goes into survival mode and probably equates that state of survival higher than any social implications he might face.
Words spoken when angry, actions done, thoughts had give you a brilliant insight into what you really are as an individual. You might want to live in the illusion that you're the perfect societal person, that you're caring, emotional, docile and altruistic. But the truth is far from innocent. You're a cold blooded, hard boiled person. Someone who would hurt someone else in the blink of an eye for personal gratification. You just haven't been in the condition where your anger unlocks these qualities for you yet.
How can you not be this vile survivalist? But completely ridding yourself of anger. But is that even possible? It is about here that people thing of Gandhi, but well, better examples exist. Ridding yourself of anger takes a few "realization" that are simple really, or so they sound. But realizing these few very basic notions, can in effect complete amputate anger as one does with a rotting limb.
1) Life as we know it ultimately is or leads to suffering/uneasiness (dukkha) in one way or another.
2) Suffering is caused by craving. This is often expressed as a deluded clinging to a certain sense of existence, to selfhood, or to the things or phenomena that we consider the cause of happiness or unhappiness. Craving also has its negative aspect, i.e. one craves that a certain state of affairs not exist.
3) Suffering ends when craving ends. This is achieved by eliminating delusion, thereby reaching a liberated state of Enlightenment.
Realize and end anger and along with it, worldly suffering. Sounds so very simple. Yet takes an entire lifetime to achieve.
Wednesday, June 8, 2011
Friends with benefits
I feel I have a certain obligation to explain my very misleading title.
Friends with benefits, in my community is to be a persons friend, but along with just that person, you inherit their friends, their parents, their pets, their social circles, their likes, dislikes and probably even their barber.
Sounds familiar?
you look confused, "where's the benefit?" I hear you ask..
I didn't mean to your benefit, now did I?
Complete benefit to them! the friend in question!
Why can't i just be friends with a person for what that person is! I don't want to have to check up on your mom OR keep in touch with her! neither do i want to hang out with your friends, nor do i EVER feel the need to say nice things about your pet!
I've decided to maintain this relationship purely because i might like you as a person. Well 'might' is a strong word you will agree.
Friends with benefits, in my community is to be a persons friend, but along with just that person, you inherit their friends, their parents, their pets, their social circles, their likes, dislikes and probably even their barber.
Sounds familiar?
you look confused, "where's the benefit?" I hear you ask..
I didn't mean to your benefit, now did I?
Complete benefit to them! the friend in question!
Why can't i just be friends with a person for what that person is! I don't want to have to check up on your mom OR keep in touch with her! neither do i want to hang out with your friends, nor do i EVER feel the need to say nice things about your pet!
I've decided to maintain this relationship purely because i might like you as a person. Well 'might' is a strong word you will agree.
Killed by understanding!
I've quit.
And im very aware of how i've said this in the very very near past, but you know how you think you cant give more, till you really do reach a point where you can't breathe?
I'll very graciously leave the details out of this one, suffice to say, I as an individual shouldn't have to be answerable to anyone or anything. That is just the natural order of things.
I should have to feel obligated to explain myself to anyone and worse, be misunderstood by a lesser mind and be constantly brought down because of the lack of understanding.
Its funny how people sell understanding as a concept to you. Like little cupcakes in a bakery. They're so nice! so much better than that other persons! I'll understand! That's who I am as a person really, Mr/Ms fucking understanding! thats me alrighty!
until you finally decide to give them a chance and buy one of their cupcakes.
Then WHAMMOOO
They're just like everyone else you meet really..
Sure they've caring, (as much as a human can be really, i see you dog lovers nodding approvingly, gracious)
but are they understanding of your thoughts and predicaments and experiences?
Heeeeeelllllll no..
They might display a rare decorum and not even bring it up in the first week, but you know it struck a chord, you know, you just know, that you gave life to something right there.. You've just birthed a small little leprechaun and not the fat jovial kind either.. the kind that'll just sit there festering and getting drunk. Until one day YOU KNOW it will just vomit out of the person with a venom that will only destroy you for ever having created it.
Understanding.. A funny concept.
Mostly it is an attitude we fake to know what others really think. We're not understanding at all! Bah! the thought of it! No judging someone else? Fuck off no! You must be drunk, the lot of ya!
I really just want to find a group of people that go, "look desmond, you're a fucking prick. I don't like you one bit! Your womanizing, drunken ways are not approved of here. You ideas and life's philosophies are shit and your mothers fat. Now that everything's said, lets go grab a drink and talk of the shit weather we've been having"
And im very aware of how i've said this in the very very near past, but you know how you think you cant give more, till you really do reach a point where you can't breathe?
I'll very graciously leave the details out of this one, suffice to say, I as an individual shouldn't have to be answerable to anyone or anything. That is just the natural order of things.
I should have to feel obligated to explain myself to anyone and worse, be misunderstood by a lesser mind and be constantly brought down because of the lack of understanding.
Its funny how people sell understanding as a concept to you. Like little cupcakes in a bakery. They're so nice! so much better than that other persons! I'll understand! That's who I am as a person really, Mr/Ms fucking understanding! thats me alrighty!
until you finally decide to give them a chance and buy one of their cupcakes.
Then WHAMMOOO
They're just like everyone else you meet really..
Sure they've caring, (as much as a human can be really, i see you dog lovers nodding approvingly, gracious)
but are they understanding of your thoughts and predicaments and experiences?
Heeeeeelllllll no..
They might display a rare decorum and not even bring it up in the first week, but you know it struck a chord, you know, you just know, that you gave life to something right there.. You've just birthed a small little leprechaun and not the fat jovial kind either.. the kind that'll just sit there festering and getting drunk. Until one day YOU KNOW it will just vomit out of the person with a venom that will only destroy you for ever having created it.
Understanding.. A funny concept.
Mostly it is an attitude we fake to know what others really think. We're not understanding at all! Bah! the thought of it! No judging someone else? Fuck off no! You must be drunk, the lot of ya!
I really just want to find a group of people that go, "look desmond, you're a fucking prick. I don't like you one bit! Your womanizing, drunken ways are not approved of here. You ideas and life's philosophies are shit and your mothers fat. Now that everything's said, lets go grab a drink and talk of the shit weather we've been having"
Wednesday, June 1, 2011
Resignation..
Dear all,
Please accept this resignation from the post of "Your Friend" with immediate effect..
It was an honor and a pleasure working with you for the past number of years..
I sincerely feel its time for me to seek a change of environment, this leave will also give me time to work on myself as an individual..
The reason, partially if anything, is the fact that i seek enlightenment and growth more than comfort. I've been there for you with the thought that my association would better the organisation. In due time I've come to realize, the system is too strong to be taken over and furthermore, does not even seek change in the most positive sense.. the tendency to maintain current state of comfort is too overwhelming to ever attempt change..
I've toiled, sweat drops of blood, worked late, broken personal appointments all in the name of progressing this company, the astonishingly bad rate of return has me disillusioned with what I was attempting to do in the first place..
Instead of being a rich man for my efforts, Im just a tired man.
An exhausted, mentally spent, depressed man.
With that in mind, please accept my resignation,
I wish i could say that i would be there to assist in the transitory period, but i fail to see the point in the same..
Not yours anymore
Desmond
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