2016!

This has been a strange year, with two months still left to go.
From someone devoid of emotions to someone who felt almost everything in the book, almost. From someone living by the rules of practicality and logic to someone who bent a few (a lot) of them to try and live a little. It truly has been an experience that altered the direction I was evolving in, for the better.
I would’ve never have bought a bike on a whim and used that bike to actually cover many miles on the road, riding alone to discover who I was or riding with a group of friends to discover what bonding with small unit of close friends was.
I would’ve never traveled so much, almost 10 new places and counting, I even had to learn HOW to fully experience a place I was visiting.
I would’ve never committed to pushing myself beyond the small zone I had created for myself that was comfortable and necessarily only involved work.

I’m 30 now, so far, living exactly the life that most 30 year olds would envy, the ability to travel, complete freedom, so strings to anything that could pull me down, loving my job, and yet, something feels incomplete. I don’t know whether that is ever a situation that I could resolve. I’d always want it to feel a bit incomplete, that I think is what will keep me driving to seek new things, new experiences, new people, in the hope of finding that missing piece, and when I find it, it might mean stagnation.

2016 started off with a bang, making tangible lists of things to do largely helped, still have points to complete on it.

You know what? One day though, I’d like to see that sense of completion. One day I would like to give up and retire, mentally, from working on myself. I think.
Live in the middle of a quiet forest or in the mountains or on a beach somewhere and just be. No longer seeking, no longer evolving, no longer curious, rather just living in mental peace. To be constantly curious of new experiences all the time is exhausting, mentally, physically and emotionally.. Take my word for it 

I have.

Ever have those times where you have a book trapped in your brain that's chewing on your insides but your body is too numb to notice?
"Everything that's to be written, already has been" I remind myself, thus encouraging the lethargy that got me so far.
Sinking further and further into the weight of my own inaction, a vicious cycle that.
My lips mouth the words "times will change", not even half convincing myself that they will.

I'm susceptible to too many things and every dock I anchor myself to blows away with the first storm that shows up, even me.

Have you looked around then? wondering if this was meant to be?
if this was who you were intended to become? if this was the life that did justice to the journey that you were on all this while?

I have.

I gotta stay High all the time..

How can someone be nostalgic for something they’ve never had
What is this incredible weight with no real substance?
Phantoms weren’t ever meant to be this heavy

I’ll soon realize this was the nightmare I’ve been waiting to have
Maybe I’ve been confusing my demons for angels,
Maybe I’ve been embracing darkness out of this yearning to feel

Feel something, feel anything, feel everything,
When mentally cutting myself wasn’t going deep enough,
Handing over the knife to someone else always seemed to do the trick

People cut, people suck form your wound but oh they also care
Everyone is a saint, a broach of a heart of gold pinned on their lapel
Is what you can see, is what is tangible, is what holds up in court

Soon those wings will come, sprout of my back in a burst of blood and flesh
Metamorphosis is supposed to be painful, evolution is supposed to hurt
And I’ll fly away from this old shell, leaving behind everything tangible

Soaring through the sky in a burst of brilliance and light
Flying higher and higher, closer to the sun, never stopping
Burning up on approach, never to be, never to feel, ceasing to exist.