the night and I

The room maybe dark, but my mind isn't yet.
The silence only does aid the consciousness of my screaming mind
Decisions have been made today, decisions to face the choices at hand.
Self admittedly, the choices always exist, they always did, always will.

Something elemental broke inside me, revealing new possibilities but not before yielding some answers to older adversary questions.

To the people surrounding me, I request patience.
I know I don't deserve your consideration, I probably never have.
I humbly beg you stay out of reach while the fires of my self destructive exile consume all around.

I shall never return, the self you knew may die forever.
I can only promise you change.. For change is the only static phenomenon ever..
Nothing is as predictable as change..

As for me, my metamorphosis may never complete. I may cease just steps away from the destination, or so it would seem.
If only I knew for sure I was heading towards a finite destination and not running towards the horizon.

For now, all I know, is nothing..
The nothing that I know, seem everything that is important to me..
Everything is a wasted concept.
Nothing is a much more consuming ideal..

Are we everything or just nothing..

The Hatred In Me.

The Hatred in me.
Deeply buried, embedded into the core of my very being.
Yet. Now in a nascent stage, from out of hibernation, is destined to consume me.
Voices aloud! voices long buried, calling out my name from the past.
Demons not yet conquered, demons I never knew to exist.
Eating me up from inside. Gnawing at the fabric of my soul until it rots.
Rots from having being exposed directly to such Hate.
My head heavy with confusion, my shoulders burdened with weight
Carrying the weight of the world, the guilt of twenty lifetimes.
Feet sinking into the ground, promising to gulp me down whole in minutes!

And yet, there is hope
There is a way out
The only way out is to lose myself. Lose my current self, the rotten self and being born anew.
I don't like this person anymore. I don't like being chained to my rotting soul.
Imagine being shackled at the wrists watching a parasite consume you from the toes up.

There is hope.
There HAS to be.
There just simply HAS to.
And I intend to look for it.
A search that itself is a lifetime.

It's just a matter of time now.

Death By Insecurity - Singing

How do you deal with a lifetime of emotional and psychological inflictions caused during childhood when we haven't even recognized a small fraction of them!

I'm a bit well, lets say shy. A bit more than your average person, about a many many things.
This usually doesn't affect my day to day dealings except that, many of my current actions are actually manifestations of my subdued introvert nature that haven't been recognized.

I've always had a loud voice, but after a lifetime of being told to use my inside voice, it has now become impossible for me to open my voice up, even when singing. Well, especially when singing..

I always tend to feel like I'm being too loud and the conscious thought of that alone entering my mind cripples me and confines me to lower volumes thus handicapping me from expressing true emotion.

Ahh another day, another issue recognized.