I wish I could downgrade your importance to me. I wish I could function without accounting for your presence on this physical, mental and emotional plane.
But you're here.
As a example of how perfectly tangible life can get.
As a personification of something that shouldn't exist, while at the same time, staring at my emotions. Staring right at from where they emerge, with not so much as a feeling for my state of being at the time..
Yes, let not my state of mind, or lack of tranquility therein change you're disposition or the merry cheerful state you seem to be in. My troubles are all implied and metaphorical in nature, or so you think. You sincerely believe that I have the power to turn this around. That I can magically wave my hand to negate the past in a way that allows me to suddenly function without my mind being influenced by you're presence in my mind.
You're coldness extends to the extent wherein I'm convinced you don't care whether I so much as exist or not.
Is this really reality you project? A reality that I have to accept and account for? Or just another extension of a very elaborate mask you wear in order to throw me off your scent? In order to quench my bloodlust and move away from your mental space. Is this necessary to function for you? Is it for me? Will it make us better people for having recognized this as the truth?
So I wonder, when ARE we going to come clean? When are all the cards going to be thrown on the table? When is there going to be nothing left to hide? When can I walk away, fully satisfied that all my emotions are going to be effectively conveyed with you misunderstanding their very essence?
Soon, I remind myself..
Oh so very soon..
Sunday, December 26, 2010
Friday, December 24, 2010
Trouble brewing on christmas eve
So i sit here, my physical hunger temporarily satiated with pork, until i next seek to fill my emotional void i remind myself.
I sit and wonder where it all began. It is christmas eve today. The day everyone, whatever God they may follow, be suddenly filled with an inexplicable sense of cheer and goodwill. The sort of day where you make peace with your enemies and hug loved ones closer.
Yet I sit here, reeking of pork, a somewhat dissatisfied expression plastered on my face.
It isn't that I'm not thankful. In the broader sense of the term thankful I assure you. I am thankful for all the smaller things (I think). The dissatisfaction arises with the realization that I don't enjoy this festival as much as I'm supposed to. Who exactly measures my level of satisfaction in these terms I'll never know, but yet, people just will not cease to point out, that I'm just not in the right spirit.
The right spirit! Me! can you believe that?
I will admit to not believing in the whole fairy tale of the wonder that is the bible. Also I will ignore the whole bit of how Christ was *actually* born somewhere in summer (go ahead google "christ born in summer"! i dare you!)
what infuriates me really is the false pretenses of this celebration.
Forced into customs that don't make sense. Forced to conform to norms that aren't all that intelligent. Ahh well..
Next year will be much different Desmond..
And if it isn't, I'm sorely disappointed *shakes head in sadness*
Maybe you're not the Desmond I thought you'd turn out to be after all!
I sit and wonder where it all began. It is christmas eve today. The day everyone, whatever God they may follow, be suddenly filled with an inexplicable sense of cheer and goodwill. The sort of day where you make peace with your enemies and hug loved ones closer.
Yet I sit here, reeking of pork, a somewhat dissatisfied expression plastered on my face.
It isn't that I'm not thankful. In the broader sense of the term thankful I assure you. I am thankful for all the smaller things (I think). The dissatisfaction arises with the realization that I don't enjoy this festival as much as I'm supposed to. Who exactly measures my level of satisfaction in these terms I'll never know, but yet, people just will not cease to point out, that I'm just not in the right spirit.
The right spirit! Me! can you believe that?
I will admit to not believing in the whole fairy tale of the wonder that is the bible. Also I will ignore the whole bit of how Christ was *actually* born somewhere in summer (go ahead google "christ born in summer"! i dare you!)
what infuriates me really is the false pretenses of this celebration.
Forced into customs that don't make sense. Forced to conform to norms that aren't all that intelligent. Ahh well..
Next year will be much different Desmond..
And if it isn't, I'm sorely disappointed *shakes head in sadness*
Maybe you're not the Desmond I thought you'd turn out to be after all!
Tuesday, December 21, 2010
Two sides of a coin..
So you know how most people have two dimensions to their personality? a sort of mental dichotomy that splits their one personality into a duality of sorts?
I have about 25 different personalities to account for..
I wouldn't call it a multiple personality disorder yet, namely because I'm bashful and refused to be studied as a test subject.
The purpose of this post..
I've been observing my 'writing' my writing habits and it turns out, I can churn out better quality, also more in quantity when in a negative mood. Its when the creative juices flow best. I find it impossible at best to get myself in the correct writing mood when in a good mood. Hence the posts on here are not really the 'pick me up' posts most people look for.
This is probably the reason the posts have such a bleak and depressing aura encompassing them and also is the reason most people think I am suicidal (more on that later)
I'm my own best author and while that is probably the most smug, arrogant, irrational, unpractical and egoistic statement ever uttered on this blog, (disclaimer: Im known to occasionally lie), it also holds true at a certain level.
When in a happy mood, I sit and read my own blog and never cease to get amazed by how i can totally not relate to the person writing the blog. (couple of hours later, I'm already at work churning out another piece of tripe)..
Years of therapy later, I might just realize that I did indeed have MPD. Ahh good times. Just think of the friends I'll then! Not people i can play sports with definitely, at the least coffee conversations will never be boring and always cheap..
I have about 25 different personalities to account for..
I wouldn't call it a multiple personality disorder yet, namely because I'm bashful and refused to be studied as a test subject.
The purpose of this post..
I've been observing my 'writing' my writing habits and it turns out, I can churn out better quality, also more in quantity when in a negative mood. Its when the creative juices flow best. I find it impossible at best to get myself in the correct writing mood when in a good mood. Hence the posts on here are not really the 'pick me up' posts most people look for.
This is probably the reason the posts have such a bleak and depressing aura encompassing them and also is the reason most people think I am suicidal (more on that later)
I'm my own best author and while that is probably the most smug, arrogant, irrational, unpractical and egoistic statement ever uttered on this blog, (disclaimer: Im known to occasionally lie), it also holds true at a certain level.
When in a happy mood, I sit and read my own blog and never cease to get amazed by how i can totally not relate to the person writing the blog. (couple of hours later, I'm already at work churning out another piece of tripe)..
Years of therapy later, I might just realize that I did indeed have MPD. Ahh good times. Just think of the friends I'll then! Not people i can play sports with definitely, at the least coffee conversations will never be boring and always cheap..
Saturday, December 18, 2010
With you
With you I shall go,
To a place I've never been before.
Uninhabited by actions, words or thought.
to place never found, but often sought
to be free of these shackles,
these unbreakable chains that bound,
making it tougher to live or breathe,
weighing me closer to the ground.
for I need to soar,
above the drudgery of life
fly high above living,
touch the bliss of afterlife.
Or an induced state of peace perhaps
of inner calm, devoid of any thought,
in an attempt to try and find myself
to save my being, my very soul from rot.
To a place I've never been before.
Uninhabited by actions, words or thought.
to place never found, but often sought
to be free of these shackles,
these unbreakable chains that bound,
making it tougher to live or breathe,
weighing me closer to the ground.
for I need to soar,
above the drudgery of life
fly high above living,
touch the bliss of afterlife.
Or an induced state of peace perhaps
of inner calm, devoid of any thought,
in an attempt to try and find myself
to save my being, my very soul from rot.
Thursday, December 16, 2010
In my place..
That’s where I’ll always mentally be. In my place.
With people, with situations, with emotions.
My place is a safe one. It’s the safety blanket that protects me form the cold, it is the cool breeze that soothes me from damage already incurred..
The concept of a happy place always had importance with respect to where I stand and what I am. I need a happy place to function out of, or functioning itself will cease to be a certainty.
Try not to live out of my place too often. Too easily affected by actions, words, thoughts.
Too affected by people.
How do I effectively stay away and remain buried in my place then? How do I move past the cold and the undeserving? How do I cease to be traumatized, even affected, by everyone around me.
For having a cold heart, people seem to forget that it is made of ice.
Ice is as brittle as can be. Ice can be shattered by as much as a hammer and as little as a loud sound.
Once shattered, the shards of ice can never be redone. They’re already melting and find their own way as far from the core as possible. Melting into oblivion, into as state from wherein return is almost never possible.
Cold hearted. Takes on a whole different meaning now doesn’t it?
Some people aren’t cold hearted because they are uncaring, rather it stems from unconditional care.
Some people just cannot afford to be hyper-sensitive about every little insignificant detail of your life.
Some people care too much.
So I try to lie here. In a state of what can be described as pure and absolute nothingness.
Trying to feel nothing is infinitely tougher than actually feeling something. Yet so much of importance is attributed to ‘feeling’.
I attempt to be a stone, I do.
A stone inside out.
Never to feel, never to need, never to remember and be nostalgic.
Where will that take me? To a place of higher purpose? To a place of nirvana? To a place of inner happiness?
Heaven knows. All I know is, once the pain stops, only better things are to be had. Once the clouds of emotion roll over, only higher purposes are to be found. A higher purpose that will hopefully add some meaning to this strained existence.
With people, with situations, with emotions.
My place is a safe one. It’s the safety blanket that protects me form the cold, it is the cool breeze that soothes me from damage already incurred..
The concept of a happy place always had importance with respect to where I stand and what I am. I need a happy place to function out of, or functioning itself will cease to be a certainty.
Try not to live out of my place too often. Too easily affected by actions, words, thoughts.
Too affected by people.
How do I effectively stay away and remain buried in my place then? How do I move past the cold and the undeserving? How do I cease to be traumatized, even affected, by everyone around me.
For having a cold heart, people seem to forget that it is made of ice.
Ice is as brittle as can be. Ice can be shattered by as much as a hammer and as little as a loud sound.
Once shattered, the shards of ice can never be redone. They’re already melting and find their own way as far from the core as possible. Melting into oblivion, into as state from wherein return is almost never possible.
Cold hearted. Takes on a whole different meaning now doesn’t it?
Some people aren’t cold hearted because they are uncaring, rather it stems from unconditional care.
Some people just cannot afford to be hyper-sensitive about every little insignificant detail of your life.
Some people care too much.
So I try to lie here. In a state of what can be described as pure and absolute nothingness.
Trying to feel nothing is infinitely tougher than actually feeling something. Yet so much of importance is attributed to ‘feeling’.
I attempt to be a stone, I do.
A stone inside out.
Never to feel, never to need, never to remember and be nostalgic.
Where will that take me? To a place of higher purpose? To a place of nirvana? To a place of inner happiness?
Heaven knows. All I know is, once the pain stops, only better things are to be had. Once the clouds of emotion roll over, only higher purposes are to be found. A higher purpose that will hopefully add some meaning to this strained existence.
Remember
Here's a few pointers that I want you, future Desmond to remember.
People Suck.
Never trust. To trust is to be let down.
Never let your mental guard down, mental weakness is death
Be cordial at all times, you never know how/when you may need people
Do not let people affect you, you’re too sensitive, at the same time, your hard exterior should never/can never crack. If it does, run! Run for your life.
People are only ‘there’ for you as long as it is feasible to their person. This is perfectly acceptable, no one owes you a thing. No one is obligated to give you so much as a hair pin.
People listen only to themselves. As wise as you may be, you’ll never totally change who another person is, even if implementing one change suggested by you changes their lives in the best way possible to them, learn to accept that and don’t be disheartened to see them living in misery after totally ignoring your advice.
Love is not a permanent state of being. All good things come to an end. Believing in love as a state of eternal return is disillusion. It leads only to heartbreak and a feeling of insecurity. People change, your perceptions of them change, love them while they’re there, let go of them when necessary.
You work hard. Too hard for your own good. Your work is beginning to consume you until all you are is a product of your work, that’s all you will be recognized as. Your substance will fade away to make you a stuffed shirt. The purpose of such involvement in work hasn’t yet been dissected, when it does, you’ll probably be made aware of some deeper depression that it hides.
You’ll always just want to be a musician. Your dreams were broken so early on, that all that remains is a sense of unaccomplishment. You’ve forgotten what original passion feels like, all that remains now is nostalgia and the feeling of emptiness.
From a person lacking in self confidence, to a person faking confidence to real confidence, you’ll now complete the cycle and revert to your initial setting. That’s where you fit in. You can never be anything other than what you were destined to be. A person that lurks in the shadows of life. I hope when reading this, you have lost your interest in the spotlight. Its only done you harm. Trying to pull on a mask so elaborate has its adverse effects on your core personality.
People all around you will eventually fade away into a haze of half remembered memories and barely memorable faces. You’ll always be the constant in your life. Treat yourself well! Getting yourself worked up for things are aren’t permanent in nature while ignoring the obvious permanent factors will lead only to further depression.
People Suck.
Never trust. To trust is to be let down.
Never let your mental guard down, mental weakness is death
Be cordial at all times, you never know how/when you may need people
Do not let people affect you, you’re too sensitive, at the same time, your hard exterior should never/can never crack. If it does, run! Run for your life.
People are only ‘there’ for you as long as it is feasible to their person. This is perfectly acceptable, no one owes you a thing. No one is obligated to give you so much as a hair pin.
People listen only to themselves. As wise as you may be, you’ll never totally change who another person is, even if implementing one change suggested by you changes their lives in the best way possible to them, learn to accept that and don’t be disheartened to see them living in misery after totally ignoring your advice.
Love is not a permanent state of being. All good things come to an end. Believing in love as a state of eternal return is disillusion. It leads only to heartbreak and a feeling of insecurity. People change, your perceptions of them change, love them while they’re there, let go of them when necessary.
You work hard. Too hard for your own good. Your work is beginning to consume you until all you are is a product of your work, that’s all you will be recognized as. Your substance will fade away to make you a stuffed shirt. The purpose of such involvement in work hasn’t yet been dissected, when it does, you’ll probably be made aware of some deeper depression that it hides.
You’ll always just want to be a musician. Your dreams were broken so early on, that all that remains is a sense of unaccomplishment. You’ve forgotten what original passion feels like, all that remains now is nostalgia and the feeling of emptiness.
From a person lacking in self confidence, to a person faking confidence to real confidence, you’ll now complete the cycle and revert to your initial setting. That’s where you fit in. You can never be anything other than what you were destined to be. A person that lurks in the shadows of life. I hope when reading this, you have lost your interest in the spotlight. Its only done you harm. Trying to pull on a mask so elaborate has its adverse effects on your core personality.
People all around you will eventually fade away into a haze of half remembered memories and barely memorable faces. You’ll always be the constant in your life. Treat yourself well! Getting yourself worked up for things are aren’t permanent in nature while ignoring the obvious permanent factors will lead only to further depression.
Can’t write
And while this is an irony of sorts, my medium of expressing my incapacity to write *can* only be put in words.
Times like these I wish I could paint! How more effectively could you describe exactly what transpires in your head than to paint vivid pictures of it! What a wonderful concept.
Photography would have to do I, I resign myself to it, only because I’ve tried and cannot even color inside the lines. Alas, my lethargy as a person often spills into even things I’m passionate about! Talk about contradictory! I’m even lazy about things that I’m passionate about! Guess mom WAS right after all.
To be a true photographer, I need to get out there and click pictures of things, scenes and people. I need to reach within and pull out images of what things look like in my head, trying to re-create it with my camera at hand. However the thought of going out there with one eye against the viewfinder is tough than I originally thought.
So then I thought I’ll contemplate considering songwriting. What better ways to paint an image than through lyrics and music I thought.. Stupid lethargy, you got there before me didn’t you?
So I guess I’ll just lie in the filth of my own static, a mental pool of underachieving and almost greatness, wishing things to be different, but not moving a muscle in the intended direction.
Times like these I wish I could paint! How more effectively could you describe exactly what transpires in your head than to paint vivid pictures of it! What a wonderful concept.
Photography would have to do I, I resign myself to it, only because I’ve tried and cannot even color inside the lines. Alas, my lethargy as a person often spills into even things I’m passionate about! Talk about contradictory! I’m even lazy about things that I’m passionate about! Guess mom WAS right after all.
To be a true photographer, I need to get out there and click pictures of things, scenes and people. I need to reach within and pull out images of what things look like in my head, trying to re-create it with my camera at hand. However the thought of going out there with one eye against the viewfinder is tough than I originally thought.
So then I thought I’ll contemplate considering songwriting. What better ways to paint an image than through lyrics and music I thought.. Stupid lethargy, you got there before me didn’t you?
So I guess I’ll just lie in the filth of my own static, a mental pool of underachieving and almost greatness, wishing things to be different, but not moving a muscle in the intended direction.
Saturday, December 11, 2010
Hopelessness
I'm usually well prepared for most of the events life has to offer.
That is, when i've had time to consider the possibilities of the given event.
When I have not, I'm flying completely blind.
Insecurities never really completely go away do they? We just try to push them enough in the background to be able to function normally.
Woke up today with a nest of thoughts. A million emotions all at once. Emotions will soon be the death of me.
Maybe I should get working on that book I've been talking so much about.
I don't care about the story being told, as much as they people involved in my life finally getting a glimpse of the inner workings.
And yet, i know this book won't even be read by all the people i would want it read by.
Every day lived is a regretful one. Or so I'd like to believe.. Maybe it isn't regret, I'm almost confident it isn't. Insecurity? maybe or maybe not.
Desmond, you're a hopeless one. you need to stop peddling your wares when you are so messed up yourself. you can't handle life yet and with that knowledge, you really need to focus on cleaning up your life.
I'm beyond being comforted by a hug today. Kind words won't soothe me, nor will good deeds. All that can absolve me from my life is me.
Its about time I began living.
That is, when i've had time to consider the possibilities of the given event.
When I have not, I'm flying completely blind.
Insecurities never really completely go away do they? We just try to push them enough in the background to be able to function normally.
Woke up today with a nest of thoughts. A million emotions all at once. Emotions will soon be the death of me.
Maybe I should get working on that book I've been talking so much about.
I don't care about the story being told, as much as they people involved in my life finally getting a glimpse of the inner workings.
And yet, i know this book won't even be read by all the people i would want it read by.
Every day lived is a regretful one. Or so I'd like to believe.. Maybe it isn't regret, I'm almost confident it isn't. Insecurity? maybe or maybe not.
Desmond, you're a hopeless one. you need to stop peddling your wares when you are so messed up yourself. you can't handle life yet and with that knowledge, you really need to focus on cleaning up your life.
I'm beyond being comforted by a hug today. Kind words won't soothe me, nor will good deeds. All that can absolve me from my life is me.
Its about time I began living.
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Help!
People are undecided about what exactly they want in their life.
Could not be a more statement more underrated in the history of mankind, especially when it comes to the topic of help. Everyone thinks they want/need help from others. It is now regarded as a part of life with sentences like “man: a social animal” becoming the norm.
Man DOES need help. Not however with the frivolities life has to offer.
People think they need help with all kinds of rubbish choices and actually waste time and effort condemning people who don’t offer them advice on these rubbish decisions.
What dress to buy? What color suits me? How DO I lose weight? How do I become fairer?
Which sunglasses look good on me? How should I wear my hair? Does this necklace suit me?
What should I eat today? How should I travel? Where do I go on a vacation?
Rubbish choices that aren’t really choices. Choices that in-fact, even a small analysis of the practical features of each choice, would itself make the choice for you! But the real decisions in life are embedded deeper inside our personalities.
Why can’t I be a better person? What stops me from attaining my goals and dreams?
Why can’t I be the parent I want to be? Why am I not the person my parents ever wanted me to be?
Should I give in to societal pressures and get married? Should I get divorced?
These are choices that we leave to ourselves, the same selves that are incapable of deciding between two skirts or trousers! How absolutely egoistical of us to think our problems are too big to share, even with the people we ‘trust’. (Lets ignore the reason trust is in quotes)
I can help with your decisions of hairstyle, clothes, computers, cameras, phones, accessories, boyfriends and even of food, wine, beverages, but decisions that in some way impact your life are at a whole different level. While I admit, most of us aren’t equipped to dish out advice and that is reason enough to keep problems and decisions within.
What irks me however is that most people keep decisions to themselves for completely rubbish reasons.
People are so afraid that the person they spill their problems out to, will point out how simple they’re choice really is. Because at the end of the day, every choice is indeed an analysis of all practical factors involved. People are constantly afraid that their ‘earth-shattering’ decision will actually be broken down with what it really is. A conformists struggle to change due to various factors like low self-esteem, years of conditioning and insecurity. So they dish out their worries frugally hoping that person will never catch on to the main issue at hand.
They think they’re suffering in silent misery for the sheer romantic quality of it as depicted by Hollywood. Well, there’s no soundtrack in really life! There’s no prince charming coming at the end to end your problems with one grand sweeping gesture and there definitely isn’t a ‘happy ending’.
All you can look forward to are more problems. Tougher problems that make your current ones look as innocent as a newborn.
So I hope your reasons for holding your problems in are valid. Because of the total population, only about .0001% of us are actually equipped with enough mental space to deal with our problems. The rest of you can immerse yourself in your problems, or share it with the above percentage specified to get a good clean practical answer. You may not like it, you may even be in a state of denial. But then hey, whoever said medicine tasted good?
Could not be a more statement more underrated in the history of mankind, especially when it comes to the topic of help. Everyone thinks they want/need help from others. It is now regarded as a part of life with sentences like “man: a social animal” becoming the norm.
Man DOES need help. Not however with the frivolities life has to offer.
People think they need help with all kinds of rubbish choices and actually waste time and effort condemning people who don’t offer them advice on these rubbish decisions.
What dress to buy? What color suits me? How DO I lose weight? How do I become fairer?
Which sunglasses look good on me? How should I wear my hair? Does this necklace suit me?
What should I eat today? How should I travel? Where do I go on a vacation?
Rubbish choices that aren’t really choices. Choices that in-fact, even a small analysis of the practical features of each choice, would itself make the choice for you! But the real decisions in life are embedded deeper inside our personalities.
Why can’t I be a better person? What stops me from attaining my goals and dreams?
Why can’t I be the parent I want to be? Why am I not the person my parents ever wanted me to be?
Should I give in to societal pressures and get married? Should I get divorced?
These are choices that we leave to ourselves, the same selves that are incapable of deciding between two skirts or trousers! How absolutely egoistical of us to think our problems are too big to share, even with the people we ‘trust’. (Lets ignore the reason trust is in quotes)
I can help with your decisions of hairstyle, clothes, computers, cameras, phones, accessories, boyfriends and even of food, wine, beverages, but decisions that in some way impact your life are at a whole different level. While I admit, most of us aren’t equipped to dish out advice and that is reason enough to keep problems and decisions within.
What irks me however is that most people keep decisions to themselves for completely rubbish reasons.
People are so afraid that the person they spill their problems out to, will point out how simple they’re choice really is. Because at the end of the day, every choice is indeed an analysis of all practical factors involved. People are constantly afraid that their ‘earth-shattering’ decision will actually be broken down with what it really is. A conformists struggle to change due to various factors like low self-esteem, years of conditioning and insecurity. So they dish out their worries frugally hoping that person will never catch on to the main issue at hand.
They think they’re suffering in silent misery for the sheer romantic quality of it as depicted by Hollywood. Well, there’s no soundtrack in really life! There’s no prince charming coming at the end to end your problems with one grand sweeping gesture and there definitely isn’t a ‘happy ending’.
All you can look forward to are more problems. Tougher problems that make your current ones look as innocent as a newborn.
So I hope your reasons for holding your problems in are valid. Because of the total population, only about .0001% of us are actually equipped with enough mental space to deal with our problems. The rest of you can immerse yourself in your problems, or share it with the above percentage specified to get a good clean practical answer. You may not like it, you may even be in a state of denial. But then hey, whoever said medicine tasted good?
Monday, November 29, 2010
Drifting through haze..
My life of late seems to be an endless montage of monotony separated by sleep, necessitated by the overwhelming energy being depressed demands.
Its not easy being depressed by the weight of the world and yet having the knowledge that even though the weight seems external, the only real weight lies within.
The immense weight I feel isn't actually the universe weighing down on me, rather it is me feeling the weight of my own being, a product of choices made and those yet to be made.
weighing me down is every bad choice, every bad decision made that I've lived to regret, every person I've hurt and every alternate live I could have been living. At the same time, it is every decision and choice I'm going to make.
I wish I could write this off as a quarter life crisis of sorts, but then again, I dare not be slotted in the same category of people who define a quarter life crisis as being indecisive about how their wedding dress will fit.
Yes, I despise everything about this crude and unintelligent generation. We seem to be growing immensely smart over generations, true. However, we still mull over all the irrelevant indecisiveness that our ancestors pondered over.
I do look around at times for any sign of higher thought and am constantly met with idiocy at every step. Can't expect much i tell myself, from a generation that can listen to an hour of lyric-less music with the same head-spinning, nausea inducing, heart stopping (not the good kind) beat and the distinct lack of rhythm therein..
So i lurk in the shadows. I hide my mind in the dark hoping no one notices until its time. Fully understanding that the day when i let it out is just a fantasy i've chosen to believe. So forever there will it lie. Until provoked into working again by some sort of higher purpose or conversation.
Its not easy being depressed by the weight of the world and yet having the knowledge that even though the weight seems external, the only real weight lies within.
The immense weight I feel isn't actually the universe weighing down on me, rather it is me feeling the weight of my own being, a product of choices made and those yet to be made.
weighing me down is every bad choice, every bad decision made that I've lived to regret, every person I've hurt and every alternate live I could have been living. At the same time, it is every decision and choice I'm going to make.
I wish I could write this off as a quarter life crisis of sorts, but then again, I dare not be slotted in the same category of people who define a quarter life crisis as being indecisive about how their wedding dress will fit.
Yes, I despise everything about this crude and unintelligent generation. We seem to be growing immensely smart over generations, true. However, we still mull over all the irrelevant indecisiveness that our ancestors pondered over.
I do look around at times for any sign of higher thought and am constantly met with idiocy at every step. Can't expect much i tell myself, from a generation that can listen to an hour of lyric-less music with the same head-spinning, nausea inducing, heart stopping (not the good kind) beat and the distinct lack of rhythm therein..
So i lurk in the shadows. I hide my mind in the dark hoping no one notices until its time. Fully understanding that the day when i let it out is just a fantasy i've chosen to believe. So forever there will it lie. Until provoked into working again by some sort of higher purpose or conversation.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Being Me.
The most mentally sorted person around, that what I’ve often been referred to as
While the glue that binds my mind and thoughts together slowly dissolves with each passing day
The cracks uncovered, evidence of unlived lives and loves, dreams and ambitions
Regret of people left behind, regret of alternate lives I’ve forgone.
Curl your negative emotions into a ball; force it to the back of your brain
Until the day the seal restraining them can no longer withstand.
And in an instant you’re reminded of every one of these heartbreaking moments in an instant
In an instant, you’ve relieved every painful memory you’ve ever had.
What then is it that facilitates the proverbial opening of the floodgates of emotions?
With the eventual pressure on that small little seal,
It can be anything as complex as a relationship to something as simple as a song.
Even the weather make a person reminisce of bygone times.
Strong factors constantly knock at the door of my sanity, asking to be let it
Constantly requesting they form part of my thought process, constantly craving attention.
Urging my brain to be indecisive, urging my brain to comply with their whims.
Forcing me to be less practical a man, changing my very essence to incorporate nonsense
How much longer can I withstand the onslaught of indecisiveness?
I’m just a boy that wants to be, to live, more so to survive
I guess now, it is just a matter of time, It is.
How much longer can I be me, instead of the me others so desire.
While the glue that binds my mind and thoughts together slowly dissolves with each passing day
The cracks uncovered, evidence of unlived lives and loves, dreams and ambitions
Regret of people left behind, regret of alternate lives I’ve forgone.
Curl your negative emotions into a ball; force it to the back of your brain
Until the day the seal restraining them can no longer withstand.
And in an instant you’re reminded of every one of these heartbreaking moments in an instant
In an instant, you’ve relieved every painful memory you’ve ever had.
What then is it that facilitates the proverbial opening of the floodgates of emotions?
With the eventual pressure on that small little seal,
It can be anything as complex as a relationship to something as simple as a song.
Even the weather make a person reminisce of bygone times.
Strong factors constantly knock at the door of my sanity, asking to be let it
Constantly requesting they form part of my thought process, constantly craving attention.
Urging my brain to be indecisive, urging my brain to comply with their whims.
Forcing me to be less practical a man, changing my very essence to incorporate nonsense
How much longer can I withstand the onslaught of indecisiveness?
I’m just a boy that wants to be, to live, more so to survive
I guess now, it is just a matter of time, It is.
How much longer can I be me, instead of the me others so desire.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
People and their masks.
No one is really who they portray, are they? We’re all exasperatingly confronted by the truth that people aren’t as they seem. We wear masks too, albeit the difference is, we wear one to protect our soft insides. It really is pointless letting down the façade if you’re the only one doing it. What purpose do you really serve letting people into your inner state of mind?
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
The real Desmond.
The various people I associate with, I’ve come to realized have very different perceptions of who I am as a person. There is no standard common line that can be drawn in their perceptions as to who I am as a person.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
Who DID you think I was?
Indeed.. For in the words of Mayer, Who really did you think I was?
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pulling a brave face
Know the kind of day that makes you wish you were never born?
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Space Between
Its really easy to fall between the spaces in between life's little trials and tests.
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Monday, November 15, 2010
Vision of my past.
I can't do this again.
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
The Urge To please
We do live to please..
So i guess the ultimate question in life comes down to this.
Do we please ourselves or other people?
We usually settle for a fair mix of both to avoid being extremists, but our core personality can only incorporate for one of those personalities. Every action we perform, every word that comes out of our mouth that is not a derivative of our core personality is a lie in a very direct way.
SO i guess who we are as people is just a assimilation of how well we can pull off the facade.
There are times wherein our decisions are affected by societal pressures or by our moral code of conduct, but then again, what are these factors but years of conditioning really.
When at the proverbial fork in the road, do we fend for ourselves, or do we give in to please someone else, which in no way would result in self satisfaction..
With me, I choose to please myself. I Choose me.
I like to think that this result from a state that Christans describe as 'no soul' or 'no conscience'.
I choose myself because eventually, everyone lets you down. everyone.
And when I look back on these years after a decade or two, when my current peers aren't around, I want to believe that I did everything possible that I could do for myself.
The only constant factor in life, I've decided is my state of being.
Everything else changes. My mindset, my friends, colleges, social networks, my likes, dislikes.
If my state of being is always going to be constant, I might as well give it the respect and credit it deserves. Because in all honestly and possibility, the one person going to be around my state of being in a decade or two, is me.
So i guess the ultimate question in life comes down to this.
Do we please ourselves or other people?
We usually settle for a fair mix of both to avoid being extremists, but our core personality can only incorporate for one of those personalities. Every action we perform, every word that comes out of our mouth that is not a derivative of our core personality is a lie in a very direct way.
SO i guess who we are as people is just a assimilation of how well we can pull off the facade.
There are times wherein our decisions are affected by societal pressures or by our moral code of conduct, but then again, what are these factors but years of conditioning really.
When at the proverbial fork in the road, do we fend for ourselves, or do we give in to please someone else, which in no way would result in self satisfaction..
With me, I choose to please myself. I Choose me.
I like to think that this result from a state that Christans describe as 'no soul' or 'no conscience'.
I choose myself because eventually, everyone lets you down. everyone.
And when I look back on these years after a decade or two, when my current peers aren't around, I want to believe that I did everything possible that I could do for myself.
The only constant factor in life, I've decided is my state of being.
Everything else changes. My mindset, my friends, colleges, social networks, my likes, dislikes.
If my state of being is always going to be constant, I might as well give it the respect and credit it deserves. Because in all honestly and possibility, the one person going to be around my state of being in a decade or two, is me.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Low Battery?
Ever has that feeling that you were running low on energy?
I woke up in the morning feeling drained, probably a result of the sleep deprivation and a sudden renewed vigor for outdoor activities, by which of course I mean wasting energy on stressful activities like sipping wine at a pub or having coffee at a café.
Waking up is taken for granted by all those who do. The very fact that you’ve awoken from a state of near comatose seems to paint a picture of high energy consumption. And once awake, well, if you ARE going to be interacting with others, you’ll probably wash up and look presentable.
With all of all the above done, I left home, laptop bag weighing me down more efficiently than any of even my sins have ever done. As I trudged along the road, I knew this wasn’t going to be a day I wanted to subject myself to the horrors of train traveling. Getting into a cab, I shut the door the behind me with a certain satisfaction, finally, the day’s looking up.
“Today’s the perfect day for music”, I’ve convinced myself, and I’ve already decided on what songs are to accompany me through my journey. My psp slowly comes to life and displays the calming background of a water lily in a midst of a small pond. Perfect I think to myself. Until the display light flashes twice and the psp dies right there in my hands. Out of juice. Probably should not have ignored its pleas for being charged the night before. Ahh well.
I switch on my laptop with the thought of using it as a really expensive music player. Sadly, I have about 15 minutes of battery life left, I resign myself to my eventually boredom and shut it off. It’s just one of those days wherein every gadget seems to team up against me, including my phone. Did I not charge you last night I ask myself! I must’ve taken it off charging to send a few messages. Damnth.
Ahh well.. The quiet isn’t so bad, when you’ve planned for it. Unplanned quiet devours you quicker than a fat man does cheese. At least I have my mind and my sanity. Not to mention the two gremlins sitting beside me.
I woke up in the morning feeling drained, probably a result of the sleep deprivation and a sudden renewed vigor for outdoor activities, by which of course I mean wasting energy on stressful activities like sipping wine at a pub or having coffee at a café.
Waking up is taken for granted by all those who do. The very fact that you’ve awoken from a state of near comatose seems to paint a picture of high energy consumption. And once awake, well, if you ARE going to be interacting with others, you’ll probably wash up and look presentable.
With all of all the above done, I left home, laptop bag weighing me down more efficiently than any of even my sins have ever done. As I trudged along the road, I knew this wasn’t going to be a day I wanted to subject myself to the horrors of train traveling. Getting into a cab, I shut the door the behind me with a certain satisfaction, finally, the day’s looking up.
“Today’s the perfect day for music”, I’ve convinced myself, and I’ve already decided on what songs are to accompany me through my journey. My psp slowly comes to life and displays the calming background of a water lily in a midst of a small pond. Perfect I think to myself. Until the display light flashes twice and the psp dies right there in my hands. Out of juice. Probably should not have ignored its pleas for being charged the night before. Ahh well.
I switch on my laptop with the thought of using it as a really expensive music player. Sadly, I have about 15 minutes of battery life left, I resign myself to my eventually boredom and shut it off. It’s just one of those days wherein every gadget seems to team up against me, including my phone. Did I not charge you last night I ask myself! I must’ve taken it off charging to send a few messages. Damnth.
Ahh well.. The quiet isn’t so bad, when you’ve planned for it. Unplanned quiet devours you quicker than a fat man does cheese. At least I have my mind and my sanity. Not to mention the two gremlins sitting beside me.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
You deserve better
You know that feeling you get in your gut telling you that you deserve better?
Making yourself believe that is sometimes the toughest possible thing in the world.
Honestly, how tough should it be to tell yourself that you deserve better than what crap you are presently being offered!
What causes this state of complacency and acceptance within us?
One possible reason could be that we're never really mentally and emotionally independant enough to break free from our need of dependance on the views and opnions of other people. Eternally insecure as creatures, we constant seek affirmations and approvals from our peers and sometimes even from strangers.
Where does this take you?
You usually end up in working a 12 hour shift that you hate,
You're in a relationship with someone who not only takes you for granted, but also takes advantage of you monetarily and emotionally, sometimes even physically.
You've given up on your hopes and dreams because you don't value yourself enough to ever give yourself or your dreams a fighting chance.
Honestly, if told that you had a week to live, would you still be working in your present job? would you still be in a relationship with that person? would you not jump into your dreams head first with no protective gear what so ever?
What changes then? why give up on life when it becomes long term?
Is all that really related to such an seemingly insignificant aspect known as insecurity?
I'll never know, I still subscribe to the former lifestyle.
I still work in a job that has no long term implications, climbing up the corporate ladder is/was never a big part of my life plan.
Im still attached to emotional leeches.
I've put all my dreams on hold momentarily, hoping to start them with a new vigor anytime soon. And its been a couple of years of that.
Complacency is a horrible disease.
It makes a sprinter lame.
It makes a musician tone deaf.
It makes a romantic person stone cold.
It keeps a dreamer forever suspended in a state of static.
Forever in a dream sequence, to be broken out only by death.
I hope death, and by that i mean the death of this complacency arrives soon.
For it is only after I die once, that i will truly live.
the thought of loosing everything, might just inspire me to live for only the important things.
Making yourself believe that is sometimes the toughest possible thing in the world.
Honestly, how tough should it be to tell yourself that you deserve better than what crap you are presently being offered!
What causes this state of complacency and acceptance within us?
One possible reason could be that we're never really mentally and emotionally independant enough to break free from our need of dependance on the views and opnions of other people. Eternally insecure as creatures, we constant seek affirmations and approvals from our peers and sometimes even from strangers.
Where does this take you?
You usually end up in working a 12 hour shift that you hate,
You're in a relationship with someone who not only takes you for granted, but also takes advantage of you monetarily and emotionally, sometimes even physically.
You've given up on your hopes and dreams because you don't value yourself enough to ever give yourself or your dreams a fighting chance.
Honestly, if told that you had a week to live, would you still be working in your present job? would you still be in a relationship with that person? would you not jump into your dreams head first with no protective gear what so ever?
What changes then? why give up on life when it becomes long term?
Is all that really related to such an seemingly insignificant aspect known as insecurity?
I'll never know, I still subscribe to the former lifestyle.
I still work in a job that has no long term implications, climbing up the corporate ladder is/was never a big part of my life plan.
Im still attached to emotional leeches.
I've put all my dreams on hold momentarily, hoping to start them with a new vigor anytime soon. And its been a couple of years of that.
Complacency is a horrible disease.
It makes a sprinter lame.
It makes a musician tone deaf.
It makes a romantic person stone cold.
It keeps a dreamer forever suspended in a state of static.
Forever in a dream sequence, to be broken out only by death.
I hope death, and by that i mean the death of this complacency arrives soon.
For it is only after I die once, that i will truly live.
the thought of loosing everything, might just inspire me to live for only the important things.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Making amends
As my resolve gradually dilutes, I look into the mirror to find a weathered and beaten face stare back at me.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.
The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.
And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.
The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.
And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.
The Ultimate truth
We're all children.
Always were.
Always will be..
Stubborn, bratty, egoistical little kids running around the playground comparing who's got the better toys and who's mom loves him more. Life apparently is ultimately about who's got the best wheels (baby carriage) and who's drinking the best milk.
Who's getting the most attention at the playground from the other children and who the little girl wants to play with.
Who can scream the loudest and who gets the best ice cream.
who can stand on their own two feet, who needs all fours and who needs a helping hand
who is potty trained and who messes up the place including himself.
Who gets hurt easy and who needs a hug every now and then.
who is strong and who is a cry baby.
Seriously.. We're all little infants. Always were, always will be.
Questions from a friend
Been a bit depressed of late.
Its the past coming back from the dead to haunt me.
You think you've run far enough to get out of reach of those demons? well.
I've come to a stage where every single action from my past is being recalled and scrutinized with a magnifying glass. I've always considered myself to have a bad memory and I'm a bit disappointed to know that when needed, my brain can recall every little detail of events.
Every scent, every feeling, every picture and every little heartbreaking moment.
This suddenly onslaught of emotions is more than what I'm apparently prepared to handle. Just hope I manage to keep it together long enough to make it through to the new year.
On the other hand, I've discovered that I'm able to write with much more mental clarity when in a state of what is i hope temporary depression.
Depression. That's a funny word, isn't is.
Wish I could go back to my past and relieve certain moments,, but that would never happen. those moments will stay as they are, immortalized in my memory, reminiscent of the good times that were, times that I know I'll never have back.
And was it worth it? Was forgoing those times worth it? I'll never know.
All i know is at the time, my reasons seem solid.
Here's to answer a question to a friend.
What if, my the good graces of the universe, I was given a chance again, with the same people and the same scenarios as before. Would I consider indulging in them again or would my initial reasoning and resolve be strong enough to deter me from falling into the same traps as before.
I don't know, I really don't.
All i can say is, I've grown as a person and so have other people. But still, I'd give the person a chance, In fact, this is true with all my 'friends'. They get what is one chance a year. One chance to prove that they're worth the time I'm going to be wasting on them in the forthcoming year. If they're not a value addition in any aspect, I can't be bothered with their presence at all. Its a selfish way of life, but like i've recently read, Life's too short to meet friends who are going to rob expensive time of your life and waste it with gossip.
Similarly, give everyone from your past a chance. Maybe you'll suddenly discover you're compatible with them and you'll hit it off fabulously. If not, you'll know exactly why you don't want them around you, but at the least you get some closure, some finality to the relationship instead of it remaining a permanent open ended question.
Its the past coming back from the dead to haunt me.
You think you've run far enough to get out of reach of those demons? well.
I've come to a stage where every single action from my past is being recalled and scrutinized with a magnifying glass. I've always considered myself to have a bad memory and I'm a bit disappointed to know that when needed, my brain can recall every little detail of events.
Every scent, every feeling, every picture and every little heartbreaking moment.
This suddenly onslaught of emotions is more than what I'm apparently prepared to handle. Just hope I manage to keep it together long enough to make it through to the new year.
On the other hand, I've discovered that I'm able to write with much more mental clarity when in a state of what is i hope temporary depression.
Depression. That's a funny word, isn't is.
Wish I could go back to my past and relieve certain moments,, but that would never happen. those moments will stay as they are, immortalized in my memory, reminiscent of the good times that were, times that I know I'll never have back.
And was it worth it? Was forgoing those times worth it? I'll never know.
All i know is at the time, my reasons seem solid.
Here's to answer a question to a friend.
What if, my the good graces of the universe, I was given a chance again, with the same people and the same scenarios as before. Would I consider indulging in them again or would my initial reasoning and resolve be strong enough to deter me from falling into the same traps as before.
I don't know, I really don't.
All i can say is, I've grown as a person and so have other people. But still, I'd give the person a chance, In fact, this is true with all my 'friends'. They get what is one chance a year. One chance to prove that they're worth the time I'm going to be wasting on them in the forthcoming year. If they're not a value addition in any aspect, I can't be bothered with their presence at all. Its a selfish way of life, but like i've recently read, Life's too short to meet friends who are going to rob expensive time of your life and waste it with gossip.
Similarly, give everyone from your past a chance. Maybe you'll suddenly discover you're compatible with them and you'll hit it off fabulously. If not, you'll know exactly why you don't want them around you, but at the least you get some closure, some finality to the relationship instead of it remaining a permanent open ended question.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Want/NEED a quiet dark corner..
The trouble with putting your self out there for people is that they soon become complacent and shed their own self sufficiency to completely be dependent on what it is that you do for them/to them.
That is a horrible, horrible thing to have happened to you if you seek personal space and like your own quiet mental time. Don't get me wrong, Im not a real misanthrope, not all of the time anyway. It just that at certain times, I just well, disdain general company. Mainly, if not only, for the reason that most people around aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Suits of flesh filled with artificial values and hardcoded with nonsense of the utmost self labeled importance. People that propagate false images of even who they are and what they think. People who, for that matter, do not even realize themselves, what it is they are and what it is they want.
So I'm sorry, but leave me the hell alone. I'd rather live and finally die alone than swim in a sea of mediocre pretentious conversations about who owns which brand and what your friends did to try and impress some other douchebags whose opinions would count exactly as much as fat woman in a catsuit.
Leave me the hell alone before I take out that hidden suitcase of insult humor I've been saving up for when I'm old. And mostly, leave me the hell alone to at the least, help me preserve my sanity.
For some of us, that's all we have left.
That is a horrible, horrible thing to have happened to you if you seek personal space and like your own quiet mental time. Don't get me wrong, Im not a real misanthrope, not all of the time anyway. It just that at certain times, I just well, disdain general company. Mainly, if not only, for the reason that most people around aren't worth the flesh they're made of. Suits of flesh filled with artificial values and hardcoded with nonsense of the utmost self labeled importance. People that propagate false images of even who they are and what they think. People who, for that matter, do not even realize themselves, what it is they are and what it is they want.
So I'm sorry, but leave me the hell alone. I'd rather live and finally die alone than swim in a sea of mediocre pretentious conversations about who owns which brand and what your friends did to try and impress some other douchebags whose opinions would count exactly as much as fat woman in a catsuit.
Leave me the hell alone before I take out that hidden suitcase of insult humor I've been saving up for when I'm old. And mostly, leave me the hell alone to at the least, help me preserve my sanity.
For some of us, that's all we have left.
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Regret is not an emotion I can afford
I strive to maintain a calm demeanor and a peaceful, healthy and positive outlook towards life. For this, regret is not really an emotion I have the luxury of. True I may indulge in its pleasures and I use this word carefully, but I cannot afford.
I try my best to not let my past catch up with the present. The results would be catastrophic to my very essence. Having experienced this before, I know that the result would be characterized by bouts of depression, with me spiraling all the way to the bottom of the barrel.
I need to grow stronger. Much stronger.
For, after a period of having successfully conquered my demons, I've discovered that I hadn't really truly conquered them in the first place. Some of them still survive in the dark recesses of my weak mind.
Misguided emotions have a funny way of finding your weak spots and going all kamikaze on them. For that is exactly what they are. You're almost never really feeling what is the underlying emotion, only secondary emotions which are a result of the first.
I know this. I've realized it. I've identified the primary emotion and studied it as a subject.
And yet.
Falling prey to yourself is the worst kind of injustice people go through. It is when you body does not allow you to dream, act or think the way you want to, by simply putting in place mechanisms for self destruction. These mechanisms are designed so ingeniously that they almost seem invisible to even yourself.
Will I ever get out of the mental soup I seem to be marinating in?
Most definitely.
Only because at the moment, my entire existence has been dedicated to getting out of this rut. It is only when strength comes from within and when my mind is a fortress that I'll be ready for the world.
Until then, you'll find me sitting in the corner, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.
I try my best to not let my past catch up with the present. The results would be catastrophic to my very essence. Having experienced this before, I know that the result would be characterized by bouts of depression, with me spiraling all the way to the bottom of the barrel.
I need to grow stronger. Much stronger.
For, after a period of having successfully conquered my demons, I've discovered that I hadn't really truly conquered them in the first place. Some of them still survive in the dark recesses of my weak mind.
Misguided emotions have a funny way of finding your weak spots and going all kamikaze on them. For that is exactly what they are. You're almost never really feeling what is the underlying emotion, only secondary emotions which are a result of the first.
I know this. I've realized it. I've identified the primary emotion and studied it as a subject.
And yet.
Falling prey to yourself is the worst kind of injustice people go through. It is when you body does not allow you to dream, act or think the way you want to, by simply putting in place mechanisms for self destruction. These mechanisms are designed so ingeniously that they almost seem invisible to even yourself.
Will I ever get out of the mental soup I seem to be marinating in?
Most definitely.
Only because at the moment, my entire existence has been dedicated to getting out of this rut. It is only when strength comes from within and when my mind is a fortress that I'll be ready for the world.
Until then, you'll find me sitting in the corner, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.
As calm as a dragonfly
Have you ever had the pleasure of observing a dragonfly?
Now they're not usually known for their calm demeanor, but if you're lucky, one of them might just settle down close enough to captivate you by its stillness.
A dragonfly has the ability to be as still as rock, staring at which may actually appear to slow down time itself creating a unique bokeh around it.
You get a chance to observe in vivid detail the wonders of nature in all its glory at work and gazing long enough bring about a strange sense of calm within yourself too.
Time itself freezes to allow you enough of vantage view of this beautiful spectacle.
Gripping on to the branch this particular dragonfly was perched upon, it gazed right through me forcing me to strengthen my own resolve. It looked right though my soul and down to my very essence. Yet, it is all but a lowly form of life at the bottom of the intelligence pyramid.
How dare he then! The very audacity of the idea! Ludicrous! Dragonflies aren't equipped with that kind of reasoning. They do not possess the wonderful gift of looking through a person's personality and recognizing and pointing out the strengths and weaknesses and yet, the longer I hold his gaze, the more convinced I am of his mental superiority over me.
For, a creature of such calm must surely have got it right! hasn't it? Or are my own insecurities so abundantly evident and so dangerously close to my skin that they come bursting forth at the slightest sign of confrontation!
Today, something as lowly as a dragonfly taught me a valuable lesson is how prepared I thought I was for this life. For it is only when you finally leave your own assorted bags of insecurity behind in your struggle for survival can you truly move on. It is only then that you can look another person straight into his eyes and into his very soul, confident that if he does the same, nothing untoward would pour out from your own plethora of insecurities, because none such would exist.
Another day, another lesson learned.
In a nutshell - In a shell....nut.
I seem compelled to lie in a state of mind numbing static, unable to clutch on the fleeting straws of hope that seem to be fast fading.
When will I be left alone to lie in my own pool of self pity and self degradation so that I may relentlessly ponder over the seemingly absurd paths I've chosen at each of the crossroads of my life and aggrieve my own life by dissecting every wrong decision Ive made and the ones I eventually will.
I've never believed I could ever amount to greatness even through copious amounts of inspirational speeches and words of advice from social allies and adversaries alike. How dare they suggest that I would or worse yet, should willingly deviate from my path of self destruction. I know where I'm heading. I'm heading towards complete annihilation of pure thought and self confidence, probably because Ive been reminded, time and yet again, that maybe self confidence would lead to my eventual downfall.
In a perfect universe, I'd make the perfect paradox.
I crave spotlight and the center stage but shun any means of getting there. I wait for opportunities that I will eventually pass up on for no earthly reason.
My reasoning is always intact and flawless, only to myself. It's the kind of thought process that isn't transferable because years of emotional degradation is transferable in a couple of minutes, or so I convince myself is the real reason. My arrogance and loyalty to this thought process convinces me that this makes me elitist and is the very fabric of what makes me, me. Alas.
I'll never grow out of this state and my personality will always be engaged in a constant war with my sensibility. Its the part of me that craves the spotlight vs the part of me that wants to lie in my own waste in a dark corner overcome with lethargy and self loathing. One personality will soon emerge the winner and although that is a desirable outcome, the war will most likely resulting in chaos and ultimately, the destruction of my mental framework leaving me in mental limbo, locked with all my demons in a state of seamless eternity.
When will I be left alone to lie in my own pool of self pity and self degradation so that I may relentlessly ponder over the seemingly absurd paths I've chosen at each of the crossroads of my life and aggrieve my own life by dissecting every wrong decision Ive made and the ones I eventually will.
I've never believed I could ever amount to greatness even through copious amounts of inspirational speeches and words of advice from social allies and adversaries alike. How dare they suggest that I would or worse yet, should willingly deviate from my path of self destruction. I know where I'm heading. I'm heading towards complete annihilation of pure thought and self confidence, probably because Ive been reminded, time and yet again, that maybe self confidence would lead to my eventual downfall.
In a perfect universe, I'd make the perfect paradox.
I crave spotlight and the center stage but shun any means of getting there. I wait for opportunities that I will eventually pass up on for no earthly reason.
My reasoning is always intact and flawless, only to myself. It's the kind of thought process that isn't transferable because years of emotional degradation is transferable in a couple of minutes, or so I convince myself is the real reason. My arrogance and loyalty to this thought process convinces me that this makes me elitist and is the very fabric of what makes me, me. Alas.
I'll never grow out of this state and my personality will always be engaged in a constant war with my sensibility. Its the part of me that craves the spotlight vs the part of me that wants to lie in my own waste in a dark corner overcome with lethargy and self loathing. One personality will soon emerge the winner and although that is a desirable outcome, the war will most likely resulting in chaos and ultimately, the destruction of my mental framework leaving me in mental limbo, locked with all my demons in a state of seamless eternity.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Destroyed by emotion.
You came in and wreaked my heart.
Unable to love again, Im now cursed to walk around these earthly realms filled with a state of emotionless agony.
Unable to feel that purest emotion, I belittle it, calling it names and pretending to misunderstand, while all the while I know exactly what describes it and desire it for myself! But alas.
I thought I was resilient. Resilient to outside philosophies and outside conditioning, I guess I was wrong. All it took was a practical thinker to submerge my feelings in a pool of water and hold it there until it stopped struggling and just lay still in your arms.
I know this is not how you expected it to be, although, there weren't all that many possible outcomes to our situation, all of them with a similar storyline and ending.
Shallow and hollowed out, it feels like all the good insides have already been consumed, the only remnants now being the empty dark rotting shell reminiscent of the life and love it used to contain.
Unable to feel it myself, I only feel a new found disdain for people who are still innocent enough to love and nonacceptance towards the love of others.
The say that time cures every wound and although I live in hope, my frail heart does not want to seem to let up for the fear of being destroyed all over again.
Even though an eternal pessimist, I'd still like to believe that good things exist out there. Although my heart's rubbed raw and most of my emotions have been long gone, I'd like to believe i've love again someday. This world's too horrible a place when realization of being alone sets in. Everyone apparently needs someone to love and maybe so do I, or so I've been told.
Unable to love again, Im now cursed to walk around these earthly realms filled with a state of emotionless agony.
Unable to feel that purest emotion, I belittle it, calling it names and pretending to misunderstand, while all the while I know exactly what describes it and desire it for myself! But alas.
I thought I was resilient. Resilient to outside philosophies and outside conditioning, I guess I was wrong. All it took was a practical thinker to submerge my feelings in a pool of water and hold it there until it stopped struggling and just lay still in your arms.
I know this is not how you expected it to be, although, there weren't all that many possible outcomes to our situation, all of them with a similar storyline and ending.
Shallow and hollowed out, it feels like all the good insides have already been consumed, the only remnants now being the empty dark rotting shell reminiscent of the life and love it used to contain.
Unable to feel it myself, I only feel a new found disdain for people who are still innocent enough to love and nonacceptance towards the love of others.
The say that time cures every wound and although I live in hope, my frail heart does not want to seem to let up for the fear of being destroyed all over again.
Even though an eternal pessimist, I'd still like to believe that good things exist out there. Although my heart's rubbed raw and most of my emotions have been long gone, I'd like to believe i've love again someday. This world's too horrible a place when realization of being alone sets in. Everyone apparently needs someone to love and maybe so do I, or so I've been told.
Love
I honestly wish I'd never known love.
People say, its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, they've never suffered the heartbreak that ensues from most relationships. Heartbreak isn't something that cures with time or that fades away upto a point where it ceases to exist. It is permanent and will always linger around to haunt you. For, you never forget those people you lost your heart to and never will completely be able to desensitize your emotions to them.
Me? I've suffered my share of heartbreaks and loves lost. Some a result of bad luck but most self inflicted, and it just gets worse. If only you could anesthetize that part of your brain that processes love, you'd be in a much more ideal place, I know I would be.
Each love lost is like a wound or gash on your body, most of these are incurable and will fester until you find yourself sitting in solitude wasting precious tears in nostalgia. Mind you, I use the word nostalgia here because of how it aptly describes this state of being. A yearning to return to the good life once lived, however inappropriate or impractical this may be to achieve in modern day.
Of course the person in question has definitely changed and/or has moved on to what they think is a better life and place for them on this earth, Its just you that are incapable of change, or so you'll be lead to think. Don't be fooled, everyone walks around with bits of their past looming over their heads threatening to destroy a future that hasn't even played out yet.
Of course the catharsis of my emotions hasn't really reached completion and it requires me to grow mentally to a certain pre-requisite before I can move onwards in my journey towards eternal sunshine. Until that day, I'll just lay here amongst my negativeness and resentment and at the same time feelings of loneliness and general abandonment. Scrutinizing each and every particle that made up all my previous relationships to appease my ego, in knowing that I did all I could from keeping my love life from falling apart.
Love may change the lives of people for the positive, with most however, its just the most painful emotion/experience they will ever feel!
People say, its better to have loved and lost than never loved at all, they've never suffered the heartbreak that ensues from most relationships. Heartbreak isn't something that cures with time or that fades away upto a point where it ceases to exist. It is permanent and will always linger around to haunt you. For, you never forget those people you lost your heart to and never will completely be able to desensitize your emotions to them.
Me? I've suffered my share of heartbreaks and loves lost. Some a result of bad luck but most self inflicted, and it just gets worse. If only you could anesthetize that part of your brain that processes love, you'd be in a much more ideal place, I know I would be.
Each love lost is like a wound or gash on your body, most of these are incurable and will fester until you find yourself sitting in solitude wasting precious tears in nostalgia. Mind you, I use the word nostalgia here because of how it aptly describes this state of being. A yearning to return to the good life once lived, however inappropriate or impractical this may be to achieve in modern day.
Of course the person in question has definitely changed and/or has moved on to what they think is a better life and place for them on this earth, Its just you that are incapable of change, or so you'll be lead to think. Don't be fooled, everyone walks around with bits of their past looming over their heads threatening to destroy a future that hasn't even played out yet.
Of course the catharsis of my emotions hasn't really reached completion and it requires me to grow mentally to a certain pre-requisite before I can move onwards in my journey towards eternal sunshine. Until that day, I'll just lay here amongst my negativeness and resentment and at the same time feelings of loneliness and general abandonment. Scrutinizing each and every particle that made up all my previous relationships to appease my ego, in knowing that I did all I could from keeping my love life from falling apart.
Love may change the lives of people for the positive, with most however, its just the most painful emotion/experience they will ever feel!
Bowls of crazy? Not for me please..
It's true, I can't stand religious zealots and fanatics, I just can't. Someone about conversing with them makes me want to skewer them through the nostrils. But alas, my neighborhood, if not the world, seems full of their sorry kind.
Their conversation, not even in the minutest way akin to the nonsense but endearing ramblings of the slightly deranged, is slightly overpowering and demanding. Their tone, authoritative and egoistic and their demeanor unsettling.
Their perceptions of how the masses should think, behave and react is far from what is considered normal and is 'taught' to us and our kids to compensate for the fact that we, as humans we not suppose to have these attributes ingrained in the first place!
But even that alone wouldn't have been enough to make this fence sitter pick a side and spew venom at the 'enemies', but that's what they are!
Enemies of free will and free thought! Selling ideas of a great sky GOD being displeased with us should we choose to disregard his rules of living.
The lunatics who believe this in the first place are welcome to their bowl of nonsense, but it is when they offer me a spoonful is where I begin to have a problem with their life. Offering me a spoon of your crazy, in my head, allows me the privilege of not only disregarding your notions and practices, but taking it down with the heaviest bulldozer available. And oh, no hard feelings, its not personal!
So I urge you, ardent reader, if someone offers you a bowl of crazy, be it filled with religious juice or otherwise, you're fully entitled to your view on how it tastes! The faster we cleanse the world of extremists, the safer our minds will be from the constant subtle efforts to control it by these people.
Their conversation, not even in the minutest way akin to the nonsense but endearing ramblings of the slightly deranged, is slightly overpowering and demanding. Their tone, authoritative and egoistic and their demeanor unsettling.
Their perceptions of how the masses should think, behave and react is far from what is considered normal and is 'taught' to us and our kids to compensate for the fact that we, as humans we not suppose to have these attributes ingrained in the first place!
But even that alone wouldn't have been enough to make this fence sitter pick a side and spew venom at the 'enemies', but that's what they are!
Enemies of free will and free thought! Selling ideas of a great sky GOD being displeased with us should we choose to disregard his rules of living.
The lunatics who believe this in the first place are welcome to their bowl of nonsense, but it is when they offer me a spoonful is where I begin to have a problem with their life. Offering me a spoon of your crazy, in my head, allows me the privilege of not only disregarding your notions and practices, but taking it down with the heaviest bulldozer available. And oh, no hard feelings, its not personal!
So I urge you, ardent reader, if someone offers you a bowl of crazy, be it filled with religious juice or otherwise, you're fully entitled to your view on how it tastes! The faster we cleanse the world of extremists, the safer our minds will be from the constant subtle efforts to control it by these people.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Childhood Sweethearts and Secret Crushes
Another one of my childhood crushes sets a date to be tied up forever to another man.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.
You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.
With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.
As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.
Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.
Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.
You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.
With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.
As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.
Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.
Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Someone to Love
We go through this life with one hope. That we're loved and that we find people to love. Love maybe overrated in the practical scheme of things but at a certain level, we all crave for it, if not even in the smallest quantities.
And when that defining day comes around, when we've finally managed to find that someone who loves us for the complicated people that we are, it is up to us, at that moment to define how the next few years of our lives are going to turn out.
You can either acknowledge the person's love and respect their love or you can spurn their feeling and leave them with the bitter taste of rejection and live with the guilt all your life.
Or you can do what sometimes comes naturally, love the person for having loved you. Cherish that feeling, for in this world it does not come often. Its tough to find someone who kisses when you awaken with honest admiration. Someone who hugs you exactly when and how you want it. Someone who throws their own state of being out of the window to accommodate you. Someone who modifies their ego to let you be the adviser, decision maker and the protector.
You'd have to have a pretty good reason to turn someone who truly loves you down, its easy to find people to love, but almost impossible to find people to love you the way you want to be loved.
And when that defining day comes around, when we've finally managed to find that someone who loves us for the complicated people that we are, it is up to us, at that moment to define how the next few years of our lives are going to turn out.
You can either acknowledge the person's love and respect their love or you can spurn their feeling and leave them with the bitter taste of rejection and live with the guilt all your life.
Or you can do what sometimes comes naturally, love the person for having loved you. Cherish that feeling, for in this world it does not come often. Its tough to find someone who kisses when you awaken with honest admiration. Someone who hugs you exactly when and how you want it. Someone who throws their own state of being out of the window to accommodate you. Someone who modifies their ego to let you be the adviser, decision maker and the protector.
You'd have to have a pretty good reason to turn someone who truly loves you down, its easy to find people to love, but almost impossible to find people to love you the way you want to be loved.
Vulnerable people
We're terribly vulnerable as people. Emotionally and mentally susceptible to any kind of manipulation and deceit..
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.
Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.
Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Hidden Dreams
Sadly, the only thing holding me back from my dream is myself. Although, isn't it elementally always so? I've always wanted to be a famous guitarist as far back as I can remember. Lets just say wanting to be a musician does not really go down well with my the caretakers of my life, or so I told myself. Now, Im free, independant and yet unable to make the final leap.
Im harshly reminded of the life Im missing every time I go watch friends play and yet..
What IS it Desmond. What'll it take!
Ahh soon I hear myself say.. Soon this shall pay off. 'Bigger picture' i keep telling myself.
A world with more securities I tell myself.
I'll soon be living the perfect life.. The dream life. Someone else's dream life.
While someone else lives mine.
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
Go ahead, be selfish.. Its genetic.
I've been reading up on this gene known only to geneticists as the 'selfish gene'. This might ring some bells to all you literary types out there as also being the title of one of Richard Dawkins books.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.
What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.
What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.
Monday, October 4, 2010
Living an absolutely peachy life.
Having been spat out from the comfortable womb of complacency and absolute acceptance into a world of conspiracy and practical realizations is a horrible reality for a few of us.
Where do you go from there? Depressionville, that's where.
Sure you've mentally and emotionally risen much like a phoenix from the ashes of stupidity and complete dependency on higher powers with ulterior motives, but from then onwards, you'll soon realize that you've only just began your journey along your path of thorns and jagged stones.
After the soles of your feet become tender and worn from the journey of having to literally move against the tide of non acceptance by the masses and the complete and utter disregard for your new found ideas and truths by people who have already been hard-coded with nonsense beliefs and irreversible conditioning, you'll slowly realize that you don't care.
You'll look for acceptance and assertion from like-minded individuals and having found none, realize that people like you are a dying breed.
That's when regret hits.
Why did you have to move out of that comfortable womb in the first place. What did you ever hope the achieve? You weren't special, just led to believe that.
Your social group, parents, teachers will only tell you that you're meant for greater things so long as you do not displease their sensibilities.
Things like the comfort of your house, the warmth of loved ones and the absolute trust you could once place in the hands of in your friends are now things of the past.
Now you look at the world with a discerning eye. Being calculative and dissecting every action done onto you with the best microscope possible.
yet, all you want to do is get back to that simpler time.
All you want is to fit in again and revert to being that person who could trust, care and love and look at the world through rose tinted glasses.
But lets face it, that part of you will have died so long back, you're stuck in this new found purgatory until the day you finally cease to exist.
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Feeling Hurt.
It all is a byproduct of hurt feelings.
How we treat others is exactly how we've been treated or rather, its how we've broken down that experience and explained it to ourselves.
The more we understand the reason behind a person being hurtful to us, the easier it is to cope with it and move on.
Unexplained hurt however is just tough to deal with.
You have not the slightest inkling of what hit you and no idea of how to deal with it.
Sadly most people who've hurt you to the point of your life being affected, are people you've let into your so called 'circle of trust'. These are people you've once trusted or still trust. It is tough seeing people you've let in, take that trust and run you into the ground with it by simply behaving in a way that offends or demeans you.
They can downright abuse you emotionally or be more subtle and withdraw their love or friendship in a way that unsettles you. How DOES a person go from being a person you've run to when times were bad to someone who creates bad times for you? How DOES a person go from someone who's shoulder you've cried on, to being the reason you've made your pillow damp at night..
The important thing is here is to realize that you're not at fault.
Its not your fault. It just isn't.
People change. mostly for the worst.
Lets face it, every day that passes by, that good caring person just around the corner is slowly losing what makes him human and what makes him care.
with each passing day people are slowly losing their reason to be genuine and good.
probably because they've been at the receiving end of undeserved hurt themselves.
It is a vicious cycle, it indeed is.
Just makes it a whole lot harder to trust the world.
You'll probably recover the first and second time you've been at the receiving end of this heartbreaking pain. You'll cry, you'll get depressed and probably hate the world. But then, that third time, you just won't care. Because you're done.
You're done accounting for the untrustworthiness of others.. You're done letting people into a position where they can ever hurt you whether you deserve it or not.
Thereby, you lose whatever inherent niceness and humanity you might have once possessed..
When you've finally transformed, you're nothing like the person you wanted to be as a kid. You're entire world veiw is now distorted, but you know you didn't have a choice, for in this world, only the strongest survive.
But surviving means self hatred and despising yourself over how much you've changed into the very same people that made you feel belittled in the first place.
YOU are now THEM, creating your own little circle of viciousness with the hurtful things you say.
You say hurtful things to keep people away and to form a makeshift barricade around your wounded heart.
Thus, you live a life of quiet solitude.
Welcome to my world.
Its quiet here.
How we treat others is exactly how we've been treated or rather, its how we've broken down that experience and explained it to ourselves.
The more we understand the reason behind a person being hurtful to us, the easier it is to cope with it and move on.
Unexplained hurt however is just tough to deal with.
You have not the slightest inkling of what hit you and no idea of how to deal with it.
Sadly most people who've hurt you to the point of your life being affected, are people you've let into your so called 'circle of trust'. These are people you've once trusted or still trust. It is tough seeing people you've let in, take that trust and run you into the ground with it by simply behaving in a way that offends or demeans you.
They can downright abuse you emotionally or be more subtle and withdraw their love or friendship in a way that unsettles you. How DOES a person go from being a person you've run to when times were bad to someone who creates bad times for you? How DOES a person go from someone who's shoulder you've cried on, to being the reason you've made your pillow damp at night..
The important thing is here is to realize that you're not at fault.
Its not your fault. It just isn't.
People change. mostly for the worst.
Lets face it, every day that passes by, that good caring person just around the corner is slowly losing what makes him human and what makes him care.
with each passing day people are slowly losing their reason to be genuine and good.
probably because they've been at the receiving end of undeserved hurt themselves.
It is a vicious cycle, it indeed is.
Just makes it a whole lot harder to trust the world.
You'll probably recover the first and second time you've been at the receiving end of this heartbreaking pain. You'll cry, you'll get depressed and probably hate the world. But then, that third time, you just won't care. Because you're done.
You're done accounting for the untrustworthiness of others.. You're done letting people into a position where they can ever hurt you whether you deserve it or not.
Thereby, you lose whatever inherent niceness and humanity you might have once possessed..
When you've finally transformed, you're nothing like the person you wanted to be as a kid. You're entire world veiw is now distorted, but you know you didn't have a choice, for in this world, only the strongest survive.
But surviving means self hatred and despising yourself over how much you've changed into the very same people that made you feel belittled in the first place.
YOU are now THEM, creating your own little circle of viciousness with the hurtful things you say.
You say hurtful things to keep people away and to form a makeshift barricade around your wounded heart.
Thus, you live a life of quiet solitude.
Welcome to my world.
Its quiet here.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
The Pinnacle of being - being alone
Did you ever hope to live an uncomplicated life? Its one of the most over sold concepts today and yes i may have blogged about it on occasion too.
But its lonely at the top.
People's innate desire to lean towards drama holds them back from leading simple lives.
I was asked today what could possibly pose to be a potential problem for me in the future. After briefly thinking, all i could offer was attempted humor, "the only situation I forsee being a problem in the future in me getting someone pregnant"
This is humorous only because at my current success rate at getting women to drop their inhibitions and their clothes, not that I'm trying anyway, It'll be a few decades.
Suddenly when you've reached upto a point wherein you are unable to even predict your unpreparedness to life's unwanted twists, you are suddenly aware of the shallowness of being. Imagining your life is now uncomplicated, what about everyone else?
Why then are people living in such densely unnatural atmospheres? Why are people forgoing their basic freedom, peace of mind, money and state of being for anything at all. What then is the price you'd be prepared for peace of mind.
Also, you'll suddenly be aware of you're disdain for people of this type. people who often fall prey to life's complications. You will downright despise them for not have the mental clarity that they even sometimes strive for but are too insecure or emotionally stunted to make that final leap. You will definitely feel pity, but only in passing. After all, it is tough looking at the ground from a pedestal.
Living a simple life depends on various factors.
The most obvious one being, you can only trust yourself. If you never really let anyone into the inner circle of trust, no one ever lets you down. NOTE: it is important here to realize, that you have to be standing in your own inner circle of trust. Most people don't fully trust themselves and thus forms the root to most of their insecurities.
The percentage of people actually living life in this depicted manner is so negligibly small that if you do reach up to this level, you'll live a life of quiet depression and solitude.
But its lonely at the top.
People's innate desire to lean towards drama holds them back from leading simple lives.
I was asked today what could possibly pose to be a potential problem for me in the future. After briefly thinking, all i could offer was attempted humor, "the only situation I forsee being a problem in the future in me getting someone pregnant"
This is humorous only because at my current success rate at getting women to drop their inhibitions and their clothes, not that I'm trying anyway, It'll be a few decades.
Suddenly when you've reached upto a point wherein you are unable to even predict your unpreparedness to life's unwanted twists, you are suddenly aware of the shallowness of being. Imagining your life is now uncomplicated, what about everyone else?
Why then are people living in such densely unnatural atmospheres? Why are people forgoing their basic freedom, peace of mind, money and state of being for anything at all. What then is the price you'd be prepared for peace of mind.
Also, you'll suddenly be aware of you're disdain for people of this type. people who often fall prey to life's complications. You will downright despise them for not have the mental clarity that they even sometimes strive for but are too insecure or emotionally stunted to make that final leap. You will definitely feel pity, but only in passing. After all, it is tough looking at the ground from a pedestal.
Living a simple life depends on various factors.
The most obvious one being, you can only trust yourself. If you never really let anyone into the inner circle of trust, no one ever lets you down. NOTE: it is important here to realize, that you have to be standing in your own inner circle of trust. Most people don't fully trust themselves and thus forms the root to most of their insecurities.
The percentage of people actually living life in this depicted manner is so negligibly small that if you do reach up to this level, you'll live a life of quiet depression and solitude.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
The Time for Change
Its that special time of the year come around again.
The period of change wherein I shed the old skin of what used to be me and being afresh.
Leave my old mental playgrounds and surroundings behind, burn everything that used to be me.
Its getting so its actually gotten easier to completely destroy my past and from the ashes, create a new me, than to have to look back at my life every year and have to analyze my mistakes.
It is indeed easier to not be able to connect to my past mindsets and completely disconnect from what I used to be as a person.
Leaving behind friends and loved ones is always tough, but a necessary part of this process. Complete cleansing isn't possible is fragments from your past hang on to your being.
New Music, New places, New environment, New people who love me, New people To love, New experiences..
For isn't that what life is all about?
Being tired of being static and leaning towards change?
The period of change wherein I shed the old skin of what used to be me and being afresh.
Leave my old mental playgrounds and surroundings behind, burn everything that used to be me.
Its getting so its actually gotten easier to completely destroy my past and from the ashes, create a new me, than to have to look back at my life every year and have to analyze my mistakes.
It is indeed easier to not be able to connect to my past mindsets and completely disconnect from what I used to be as a person.
Leaving behind friends and loved ones is always tough, but a necessary part of this process. Complete cleansing isn't possible is fragments from your past hang on to your being.
New Music, New places, New environment, New people who love me, New people To love, New experiences..
For isn't that what life is all about?
Being tired of being static and leaning towards change?
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Tough life eh?
Life's tough.. or so i've heard.
well its definitely not for the meek, let that be said. You CANNOT survive in this world without at one point hurting someone's sentiments or feelings.. Ahh what a cruel atmosphere to be born into. Our ancestors really messed things up big time with this 'society' nonsense.. Couldn't have got it more in a state of chaos that it is now..
Where does hope lie for us then!
can one go one being themselves and hoping for the best at a day to day level? or does one need to formulate a master plan which mostly involves how best to choose the appropriate mask to put on. And if everyone's wearing a mask, where is the honesty people speak of!
well its definitely not for the meek, let that be said. You CANNOT survive in this world without at one point hurting someone's sentiments or feelings.. Ahh what a cruel atmosphere to be born into. Our ancestors really messed things up big time with this 'society' nonsense.. Couldn't have got it more in a state of chaos that it is now..
Where does hope lie for us then!
can one go one being themselves and hoping for the best at a day to day level? or does one need to formulate a master plan which mostly involves how best to choose the appropriate mask to put on. And if everyone's wearing a mask, where is the honesty people speak of!
Friday, June 4, 2010
Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind..
Since this is the only place I'd ever admit things out loud, watching the movie "Eternal sunshine of the spotless mind" made me think.. Now future Desmond reading this, you're probably snickering, "i think nevertheless"
well.. One film.. managed to breach thru to my inner state.. to the kernel of innocence that my subconscious mind clutches onto. It appeals to the me of the past.. The me that loved, the me that was loved. It takes you back to a time in your happiest relationship to a time where you were hugged for no apparent reason. Where you were missed, cared for and cherished for just being you.
Its strange how our emotions are so sympathetic to how others feel.. No sooner are we subjected to watching a person mourning over his biggest regrets, in the form of letting go of a loved one, that we feel that immediate realization of having let go everyone that mattered to us..
If only every relationship ended with completely erasing the person in question from your life.. It would be sad, but then again, you're mind would be in an eternal state of sunshine..
Me? I'd rather it not be perpetually sunny in my mind..
For me life is supposed to be a cumulative of all things we regret.. Its only when the regret peaks that we truly begin cherishing the things we have..
Desmond out.
well.. One film.. managed to breach thru to my inner state.. to the kernel of innocence that my subconscious mind clutches onto. It appeals to the me of the past.. The me that loved, the me that was loved. It takes you back to a time in your happiest relationship to a time where you were hugged for no apparent reason. Where you were missed, cared for and cherished for just being you.
Its strange how our emotions are so sympathetic to how others feel.. No sooner are we subjected to watching a person mourning over his biggest regrets, in the form of letting go of a loved one, that we feel that immediate realization of having let go everyone that mattered to us..
If only every relationship ended with completely erasing the person in question from your life.. It would be sad, but then again, you're mind would be in an eternal state of sunshine..
Me? I'd rather it not be perpetually sunny in my mind..
For me life is supposed to be a cumulative of all things we regret.. Its only when the regret peaks that we truly begin cherishing the things we have..
Desmond out.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Random Occurances..
Life can suddenly be beautiful at times. .
sudden opportunities to see how people function shouldn't be passed upon.. Even if it means objectifying them and studying them.
Lust is a funny emotion. If we could only, even for a while amputate it from our brain.. Ahh the mental clarity to be had there.
Why do we try to achieve the unattainable! there's only defeat to be had there..
Am i smart? or am i just researching this thoroughly just to prove that I am, even if not.
life equals confusion..
sudden opportunities to see how people function shouldn't be passed upon.. Even if it means objectifying them and studying them.
Lust is a funny emotion. If we could only, even for a while amputate it from our brain.. Ahh the mental clarity to be had there.
Why do we try to achieve the unattainable! there's only defeat to be had there..
Am i smart? or am i just researching this thoroughly just to prove that I am, even if not.
life equals confusion..
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