People are undecided about what exactly they want in their life.
Could not be a more statement more underrated in the history of mankind, especially when it comes to the topic of help. Everyone thinks they want/need help from others. It is now regarded as a part of life with sentences like “man: a social animal” becoming the norm.
Man DOES need help. Not however with the frivolities life has to offer.
People think they need help with all kinds of rubbish choices and actually waste time and effort condemning people who don’t offer them advice on these rubbish decisions.
What dress to buy? What color suits me? How DO I lose weight? How do I become fairer?
Which sunglasses look good on me? How should I wear my hair? Does this necklace suit me?
What should I eat today? How should I travel? Where do I go on a vacation?
Rubbish choices that aren’t really choices. Choices that in-fact, even a small analysis of the practical features of each choice, would itself make the choice for you! But the real decisions in life are embedded deeper inside our personalities.
Why can’t I be a better person? What stops me from attaining my goals and dreams?
Why can’t I be the parent I want to be? Why am I not the person my parents ever wanted me to be?
Should I give in to societal pressures and get married? Should I get divorced?
These are choices that we leave to ourselves, the same selves that are incapable of deciding between two skirts or trousers! How absolutely egoistical of us to think our problems are too big to share, even with the people we ‘trust’. (Lets ignore the reason trust is in quotes)
I can help with your decisions of hairstyle, clothes, computers, cameras, phones, accessories, boyfriends and even of food, wine, beverages, but decisions that in some way impact your life are at a whole different level. While I admit, most of us aren’t equipped to dish out advice and that is reason enough to keep problems and decisions within.
What irks me however is that most people keep decisions to themselves for completely rubbish reasons.
People are so afraid that the person they spill their problems out to, will point out how simple they’re choice really is. Because at the end of the day, every choice is indeed an analysis of all practical factors involved. People are constantly afraid that their ‘earth-shattering’ decision will actually be broken down with what it really is. A conformists struggle to change due to various factors like low self-esteem, years of conditioning and insecurity. So they dish out their worries frugally hoping that person will never catch on to the main issue at hand.
They think they’re suffering in silent misery for the sheer romantic quality of it as depicted by Hollywood. Well, there’s no soundtrack in really life! There’s no prince charming coming at the end to end your problems with one grand sweeping gesture and there definitely isn’t a ‘happy ending’.
All you can look forward to are more problems. Tougher problems that make your current ones look as innocent as a newborn.
So I hope your reasons for holding your problems in are valid. Because of the total population, only about .0001% of us are actually equipped with enough mental space to deal with our problems. The rest of you can immerse yourself in your problems, or share it with the above percentage specified to get a good clean practical answer. You may not like it, you may even be in a state of denial. But then hey, whoever said medicine tasted good?
Tuesday, November 30, 2010
Monday, November 29, 2010
Drifting through haze..
My life of late seems to be an endless montage of monotony separated by sleep, necessitated by the overwhelming energy being depressed demands.
Its not easy being depressed by the weight of the world and yet having the knowledge that even though the weight seems external, the only real weight lies within.
The immense weight I feel isn't actually the universe weighing down on me, rather it is me feeling the weight of my own being, a product of choices made and those yet to be made.
weighing me down is every bad choice, every bad decision made that I've lived to regret, every person I've hurt and every alternate live I could have been living. At the same time, it is every decision and choice I'm going to make.
I wish I could write this off as a quarter life crisis of sorts, but then again, I dare not be slotted in the same category of people who define a quarter life crisis as being indecisive about how their wedding dress will fit.
Yes, I despise everything about this crude and unintelligent generation. We seem to be growing immensely smart over generations, true. However, we still mull over all the irrelevant indecisiveness that our ancestors pondered over.
I do look around at times for any sign of higher thought and am constantly met with idiocy at every step. Can't expect much i tell myself, from a generation that can listen to an hour of lyric-less music with the same head-spinning, nausea inducing, heart stopping (not the good kind) beat and the distinct lack of rhythm therein..
So i lurk in the shadows. I hide my mind in the dark hoping no one notices until its time. Fully understanding that the day when i let it out is just a fantasy i've chosen to believe. So forever there will it lie. Until provoked into working again by some sort of higher purpose or conversation.
Its not easy being depressed by the weight of the world and yet having the knowledge that even though the weight seems external, the only real weight lies within.
The immense weight I feel isn't actually the universe weighing down on me, rather it is me feeling the weight of my own being, a product of choices made and those yet to be made.
weighing me down is every bad choice, every bad decision made that I've lived to regret, every person I've hurt and every alternate live I could have been living. At the same time, it is every decision and choice I'm going to make.
I wish I could write this off as a quarter life crisis of sorts, but then again, I dare not be slotted in the same category of people who define a quarter life crisis as being indecisive about how their wedding dress will fit.
Yes, I despise everything about this crude and unintelligent generation. We seem to be growing immensely smart over generations, true. However, we still mull over all the irrelevant indecisiveness that our ancestors pondered over.
I do look around at times for any sign of higher thought and am constantly met with idiocy at every step. Can't expect much i tell myself, from a generation that can listen to an hour of lyric-less music with the same head-spinning, nausea inducing, heart stopping (not the good kind) beat and the distinct lack of rhythm therein..
So i lurk in the shadows. I hide my mind in the dark hoping no one notices until its time. Fully understanding that the day when i let it out is just a fantasy i've chosen to believe. So forever there will it lie. Until provoked into working again by some sort of higher purpose or conversation.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Being Me.
The most mentally sorted person around, that what I’ve often been referred to as
While the glue that binds my mind and thoughts together slowly dissolves with each passing day
The cracks uncovered, evidence of unlived lives and loves, dreams and ambitions
Regret of people left behind, regret of alternate lives I’ve forgone.
Curl your negative emotions into a ball; force it to the back of your brain
Until the day the seal restraining them can no longer withstand.
And in an instant you’re reminded of every one of these heartbreaking moments in an instant
In an instant, you’ve relieved every painful memory you’ve ever had.
What then is it that facilitates the proverbial opening of the floodgates of emotions?
With the eventual pressure on that small little seal,
It can be anything as complex as a relationship to something as simple as a song.
Even the weather make a person reminisce of bygone times.
Strong factors constantly knock at the door of my sanity, asking to be let it
Constantly requesting they form part of my thought process, constantly craving attention.
Urging my brain to be indecisive, urging my brain to comply with their whims.
Forcing me to be less practical a man, changing my very essence to incorporate nonsense
How much longer can I withstand the onslaught of indecisiveness?
I’m just a boy that wants to be, to live, more so to survive
I guess now, it is just a matter of time, It is.
How much longer can I be me, instead of the me others so desire.
While the glue that binds my mind and thoughts together slowly dissolves with each passing day
The cracks uncovered, evidence of unlived lives and loves, dreams and ambitions
Regret of people left behind, regret of alternate lives I’ve forgone.
Curl your negative emotions into a ball; force it to the back of your brain
Until the day the seal restraining them can no longer withstand.
And in an instant you’re reminded of every one of these heartbreaking moments in an instant
In an instant, you’ve relieved every painful memory you’ve ever had.
What then is it that facilitates the proverbial opening of the floodgates of emotions?
With the eventual pressure on that small little seal,
It can be anything as complex as a relationship to something as simple as a song.
Even the weather make a person reminisce of bygone times.
Strong factors constantly knock at the door of my sanity, asking to be let it
Constantly requesting they form part of my thought process, constantly craving attention.
Urging my brain to be indecisive, urging my brain to comply with their whims.
Forcing me to be less practical a man, changing my very essence to incorporate nonsense
How much longer can I withstand the onslaught of indecisiveness?
I’m just a boy that wants to be, to live, more so to survive
I guess now, it is just a matter of time, It is.
How much longer can I be me, instead of the me others so desire.
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
People and their masks.
No one is really who they portray, are they? We’re all exasperatingly confronted by the truth that people aren’t as they seem. We wear masks too, albeit the difference is, we wear one to protect our soft insides. It really is pointless letting down the façade if you’re the only one doing it. What purpose do you really serve letting people into your inner state of mind?
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
The real Desmond.
The various people I associate with, I’ve come to realized have very different perceptions of who I am as a person. There is no standard common line that can be drawn in their perceptions as to who I am as a person.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
Who DID you think I was?
Indeed.. For in the words of Mayer, Who really did you think I was?
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pulling a brave face
Know the kind of day that makes you wish you were never born?
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Space Between
Its really easy to fall between the spaces in between life's little trials and tests.
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Monday, November 15, 2010
Vision of my past.
I can't do this again.
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
The Urge To please
We do live to please..
So i guess the ultimate question in life comes down to this.
Do we please ourselves or other people?
We usually settle for a fair mix of both to avoid being extremists, but our core personality can only incorporate for one of those personalities. Every action we perform, every word that comes out of our mouth that is not a derivative of our core personality is a lie in a very direct way.
SO i guess who we are as people is just a assimilation of how well we can pull off the facade.
There are times wherein our decisions are affected by societal pressures or by our moral code of conduct, but then again, what are these factors but years of conditioning really.
When at the proverbial fork in the road, do we fend for ourselves, or do we give in to please someone else, which in no way would result in self satisfaction..
With me, I choose to please myself. I Choose me.
I like to think that this result from a state that Christans describe as 'no soul' or 'no conscience'.
I choose myself because eventually, everyone lets you down. everyone.
And when I look back on these years after a decade or two, when my current peers aren't around, I want to believe that I did everything possible that I could do for myself.
The only constant factor in life, I've decided is my state of being.
Everything else changes. My mindset, my friends, colleges, social networks, my likes, dislikes.
If my state of being is always going to be constant, I might as well give it the respect and credit it deserves. Because in all honestly and possibility, the one person going to be around my state of being in a decade or two, is me.
So i guess the ultimate question in life comes down to this.
Do we please ourselves or other people?
We usually settle for a fair mix of both to avoid being extremists, but our core personality can only incorporate for one of those personalities. Every action we perform, every word that comes out of our mouth that is not a derivative of our core personality is a lie in a very direct way.
SO i guess who we are as people is just a assimilation of how well we can pull off the facade.
There are times wherein our decisions are affected by societal pressures or by our moral code of conduct, but then again, what are these factors but years of conditioning really.
When at the proverbial fork in the road, do we fend for ourselves, or do we give in to please someone else, which in no way would result in self satisfaction..
With me, I choose to please myself. I Choose me.
I like to think that this result from a state that Christans describe as 'no soul' or 'no conscience'.
I choose myself because eventually, everyone lets you down. everyone.
And when I look back on these years after a decade or two, when my current peers aren't around, I want to believe that I did everything possible that I could do for myself.
The only constant factor in life, I've decided is my state of being.
Everything else changes. My mindset, my friends, colleges, social networks, my likes, dislikes.
If my state of being is always going to be constant, I might as well give it the respect and credit it deserves. Because in all honestly and possibility, the one person going to be around my state of being in a decade or two, is me.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Low Battery?
Ever has that feeling that you were running low on energy?
I woke up in the morning feeling drained, probably a result of the sleep deprivation and a sudden renewed vigor for outdoor activities, by which of course I mean wasting energy on stressful activities like sipping wine at a pub or having coffee at a café.
Waking up is taken for granted by all those who do. The very fact that you’ve awoken from a state of near comatose seems to paint a picture of high energy consumption. And once awake, well, if you ARE going to be interacting with others, you’ll probably wash up and look presentable.
With all of all the above done, I left home, laptop bag weighing me down more efficiently than any of even my sins have ever done. As I trudged along the road, I knew this wasn’t going to be a day I wanted to subject myself to the horrors of train traveling. Getting into a cab, I shut the door the behind me with a certain satisfaction, finally, the day’s looking up.
“Today’s the perfect day for music”, I’ve convinced myself, and I’ve already decided on what songs are to accompany me through my journey. My psp slowly comes to life and displays the calming background of a water lily in a midst of a small pond. Perfect I think to myself. Until the display light flashes twice and the psp dies right there in my hands. Out of juice. Probably should not have ignored its pleas for being charged the night before. Ahh well.
I switch on my laptop with the thought of using it as a really expensive music player. Sadly, I have about 15 minutes of battery life left, I resign myself to my eventually boredom and shut it off. It’s just one of those days wherein every gadget seems to team up against me, including my phone. Did I not charge you last night I ask myself! I must’ve taken it off charging to send a few messages. Damnth.
Ahh well.. The quiet isn’t so bad, when you’ve planned for it. Unplanned quiet devours you quicker than a fat man does cheese. At least I have my mind and my sanity. Not to mention the two gremlins sitting beside me.
I woke up in the morning feeling drained, probably a result of the sleep deprivation and a sudden renewed vigor for outdoor activities, by which of course I mean wasting energy on stressful activities like sipping wine at a pub or having coffee at a café.
Waking up is taken for granted by all those who do. The very fact that you’ve awoken from a state of near comatose seems to paint a picture of high energy consumption. And once awake, well, if you ARE going to be interacting with others, you’ll probably wash up and look presentable.
With all of all the above done, I left home, laptop bag weighing me down more efficiently than any of even my sins have ever done. As I trudged along the road, I knew this wasn’t going to be a day I wanted to subject myself to the horrors of train traveling. Getting into a cab, I shut the door the behind me with a certain satisfaction, finally, the day’s looking up.
“Today’s the perfect day for music”, I’ve convinced myself, and I’ve already decided on what songs are to accompany me through my journey. My psp slowly comes to life and displays the calming background of a water lily in a midst of a small pond. Perfect I think to myself. Until the display light flashes twice and the psp dies right there in my hands. Out of juice. Probably should not have ignored its pleas for being charged the night before. Ahh well.
I switch on my laptop with the thought of using it as a really expensive music player. Sadly, I have about 15 minutes of battery life left, I resign myself to my eventually boredom and shut it off. It’s just one of those days wherein every gadget seems to team up against me, including my phone. Did I not charge you last night I ask myself! I must’ve taken it off charging to send a few messages. Damnth.
Ahh well.. The quiet isn’t so bad, when you’ve planned for it. Unplanned quiet devours you quicker than a fat man does cheese. At least I have my mind and my sanity. Not to mention the two gremlins sitting beside me.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
You deserve better
You know that feeling you get in your gut telling you that you deserve better?
Making yourself believe that is sometimes the toughest possible thing in the world.
Honestly, how tough should it be to tell yourself that you deserve better than what crap you are presently being offered!
What causes this state of complacency and acceptance within us?
One possible reason could be that we're never really mentally and emotionally independant enough to break free from our need of dependance on the views and opnions of other people. Eternally insecure as creatures, we constant seek affirmations and approvals from our peers and sometimes even from strangers.
Where does this take you?
You usually end up in working a 12 hour shift that you hate,
You're in a relationship with someone who not only takes you for granted, but also takes advantage of you monetarily and emotionally, sometimes even physically.
You've given up on your hopes and dreams because you don't value yourself enough to ever give yourself or your dreams a fighting chance.
Honestly, if told that you had a week to live, would you still be working in your present job? would you still be in a relationship with that person? would you not jump into your dreams head first with no protective gear what so ever?
What changes then? why give up on life when it becomes long term?
Is all that really related to such an seemingly insignificant aspect known as insecurity?
I'll never know, I still subscribe to the former lifestyle.
I still work in a job that has no long term implications, climbing up the corporate ladder is/was never a big part of my life plan.
Im still attached to emotional leeches.
I've put all my dreams on hold momentarily, hoping to start them with a new vigor anytime soon. And its been a couple of years of that.
Complacency is a horrible disease.
It makes a sprinter lame.
It makes a musician tone deaf.
It makes a romantic person stone cold.
It keeps a dreamer forever suspended in a state of static.
Forever in a dream sequence, to be broken out only by death.
I hope death, and by that i mean the death of this complacency arrives soon.
For it is only after I die once, that i will truly live.
the thought of loosing everything, might just inspire me to live for only the important things.
Making yourself believe that is sometimes the toughest possible thing in the world.
Honestly, how tough should it be to tell yourself that you deserve better than what crap you are presently being offered!
What causes this state of complacency and acceptance within us?
One possible reason could be that we're never really mentally and emotionally independant enough to break free from our need of dependance on the views and opnions of other people. Eternally insecure as creatures, we constant seek affirmations and approvals from our peers and sometimes even from strangers.
Where does this take you?
You usually end up in working a 12 hour shift that you hate,
You're in a relationship with someone who not only takes you for granted, but also takes advantage of you monetarily and emotionally, sometimes even physically.
You've given up on your hopes and dreams because you don't value yourself enough to ever give yourself or your dreams a fighting chance.
Honestly, if told that you had a week to live, would you still be working in your present job? would you still be in a relationship with that person? would you not jump into your dreams head first with no protective gear what so ever?
What changes then? why give up on life when it becomes long term?
Is all that really related to such an seemingly insignificant aspect known as insecurity?
I'll never know, I still subscribe to the former lifestyle.
I still work in a job that has no long term implications, climbing up the corporate ladder is/was never a big part of my life plan.
Im still attached to emotional leeches.
I've put all my dreams on hold momentarily, hoping to start them with a new vigor anytime soon. And its been a couple of years of that.
Complacency is a horrible disease.
It makes a sprinter lame.
It makes a musician tone deaf.
It makes a romantic person stone cold.
It keeps a dreamer forever suspended in a state of static.
Forever in a dream sequence, to be broken out only by death.
I hope death, and by that i mean the death of this complacency arrives soon.
For it is only after I die once, that i will truly live.
the thought of loosing everything, might just inspire me to live for only the important things.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Making amends
As my resolve gradually dilutes, I look into the mirror to find a weathered and beaten face stare back at me.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.
The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.
And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.
The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.
And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.
The Ultimate truth
We're all children.
Always were.
Always will be..
Stubborn, bratty, egoistical little kids running around the playground comparing who's got the better toys and who's mom loves him more. Life apparently is ultimately about who's got the best wheels (baby carriage) and who's drinking the best milk.
Who's getting the most attention at the playground from the other children and who the little girl wants to play with.
Who can scream the loudest and who gets the best ice cream.
who can stand on their own two feet, who needs all fours and who needs a helping hand
who is potty trained and who messes up the place including himself.
Who gets hurt easy and who needs a hug every now and then.
who is strong and who is a cry baby.
Seriously.. We're all little infants. Always were, always will be.
Questions from a friend
Been a bit depressed of late.
Its the past coming back from the dead to haunt me.
You think you've run far enough to get out of reach of those demons? well.
I've come to a stage where every single action from my past is being recalled and scrutinized with a magnifying glass. I've always considered myself to have a bad memory and I'm a bit disappointed to know that when needed, my brain can recall every little detail of events.
Every scent, every feeling, every picture and every little heartbreaking moment.
This suddenly onslaught of emotions is more than what I'm apparently prepared to handle. Just hope I manage to keep it together long enough to make it through to the new year.
On the other hand, I've discovered that I'm able to write with much more mental clarity when in a state of what is i hope temporary depression.
Depression. That's a funny word, isn't is.
Wish I could go back to my past and relieve certain moments,, but that would never happen. those moments will stay as they are, immortalized in my memory, reminiscent of the good times that were, times that I know I'll never have back.
And was it worth it? Was forgoing those times worth it? I'll never know.
All i know is at the time, my reasons seem solid.
Here's to answer a question to a friend.
What if, my the good graces of the universe, I was given a chance again, with the same people and the same scenarios as before. Would I consider indulging in them again or would my initial reasoning and resolve be strong enough to deter me from falling into the same traps as before.
I don't know, I really don't.
All i can say is, I've grown as a person and so have other people. But still, I'd give the person a chance, In fact, this is true with all my 'friends'. They get what is one chance a year. One chance to prove that they're worth the time I'm going to be wasting on them in the forthcoming year. If they're not a value addition in any aspect, I can't be bothered with their presence at all. Its a selfish way of life, but like i've recently read, Life's too short to meet friends who are going to rob expensive time of your life and waste it with gossip.
Similarly, give everyone from your past a chance. Maybe you'll suddenly discover you're compatible with them and you'll hit it off fabulously. If not, you'll know exactly why you don't want them around you, but at the least you get some closure, some finality to the relationship instead of it remaining a permanent open ended question.
Its the past coming back from the dead to haunt me.
You think you've run far enough to get out of reach of those demons? well.
I've come to a stage where every single action from my past is being recalled and scrutinized with a magnifying glass. I've always considered myself to have a bad memory and I'm a bit disappointed to know that when needed, my brain can recall every little detail of events.
Every scent, every feeling, every picture and every little heartbreaking moment.
This suddenly onslaught of emotions is more than what I'm apparently prepared to handle. Just hope I manage to keep it together long enough to make it through to the new year.
On the other hand, I've discovered that I'm able to write with much more mental clarity when in a state of what is i hope temporary depression.
Depression. That's a funny word, isn't is.
Wish I could go back to my past and relieve certain moments,, but that would never happen. those moments will stay as they are, immortalized in my memory, reminiscent of the good times that were, times that I know I'll never have back.
And was it worth it? Was forgoing those times worth it? I'll never know.
All i know is at the time, my reasons seem solid.
Here's to answer a question to a friend.
What if, my the good graces of the universe, I was given a chance again, with the same people and the same scenarios as before. Would I consider indulging in them again or would my initial reasoning and resolve be strong enough to deter me from falling into the same traps as before.
I don't know, I really don't.
All i can say is, I've grown as a person and so have other people. But still, I'd give the person a chance, In fact, this is true with all my 'friends'. They get what is one chance a year. One chance to prove that they're worth the time I'm going to be wasting on them in the forthcoming year. If they're not a value addition in any aspect, I can't be bothered with their presence at all. Its a selfish way of life, but like i've recently read, Life's too short to meet friends who are going to rob expensive time of your life and waste it with gossip.
Similarly, give everyone from your past a chance. Maybe you'll suddenly discover you're compatible with them and you'll hit it off fabulously. If not, you'll know exactly why you don't want them around you, but at the least you get some closure, some finality to the relationship instead of it remaining a permanent open ended question.
Monday, November 1, 2010
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