More to life? I guess not

Has to be more, hasn't there?

Work at a place that doesn't fit in with your world-view of whats important in life

then find another job that pays the more, just enough to temporarily cover the growing discontent with bigger questions of existence.

Repeat.


Where's the break in the chain? what do you then do?
Show me another way to live, present an idea maybe.
I'm all for hearing alternate ways of living.

All i need is the bare minimum of money to exist, the rest is up to you.

P.S, consider me to be career-wise ambition-less.

Weddings and me.

I hate weddings.
Please do me a favor and DO NOT invite me to yours. Even as a joke.
I dread them.
I loathe them.

Why is it suddenly such a big topic of conversation? or rather monologue?
I've just come back from one.

And no, I wasn't allowed to carry my earphones.. Listening to someone else's music for 3 hours? 3 hours of pure simple minded, idiotic, common man, lowest common denominator of what can barely pass as music.
Now i'm by no means an elitist, to each his own, but EXACTLY that. The "TO EACH" part implies I don't want any part of it.

That's not even why I'm less than my normal state of indifference.

I hate dancing. I don't understand it, i dont pretend to, i just like to keep away, and please always do me the courtesy of leaving me be..
To me, dancing is the lowest form of exuberance possible. Your only excuse for dancing is being drunk out of your mind.

There's not a single song that played that even made me for a moment raise an eyebrow, let alone an appendage to attempt a move, but yet, i was dramatically pulled to the dance floor, where i did my best "im a zombie" impression, this entails standing still and looking around at people like they were cattle.

Horrible.

I do people the courtesy of not opening up their lives to the fucking waste of time they are, I don't bring up the rubbish they consider "problems", neither do i mock them for it. I don't plunge them into existentialist crisis by questioning their actions, desires and ambitions. I don't even mock them for the simplistic and ineffective methods they attempt to ameliorate their dramas of lives.
Then, i wish they'd just do me the grandest honor of NOT being invited to these "occasions" and go on without me. Or if they do insist on inviting me, allow me to stand in an extreme dark corner and silently witness everything from afar.


Today was the wedding of my oldest friend ever. If i had to describe it in simple 'worldly' ways for the simple minded of you to understand, he is my "best friend" of sorts, one of them anyway.
If i can't stand his wedding, it would be safe to assume i'd loathe any subsequent ones i attend.

If you ever read this my friend, you know me well enough to know i mean you no offense, I love you.
But you'll also know, I loathe weddings.

Existing in Existentialism

Look around you and chose one unsuspecting victim for this experiment. You only question will be “why do you exist and what’s your reason for existing. Rather, what is the goal of your existence?
This is a very heavy question, one often avoided, fairly evident when you run out of topics of conversation and would yet talk about the weather than existentialist dilemmas. Obviously I’d ask you, for this particular experiment to refrain from asking a religious or spiritual person of any kind. I’d be able to simulate their answer as easily as you would after some basic information on comparative religion studies.
The secondary purposes for existing are often ones added onto the main objective of “I exist because I am”. Now that, is a sufficiently good reason to exist, yet, isn’t completely accurate in describing why anyone would continue to do so. The quick reply that thought almost necessitates is that existing requires no effort as opposed to not existing wherein you have to consciously make an effort to not exist. This is quickly rubbished. Existing is far tougher and consumes far more effort in one lifetime, than the effort required ceasing your life a million times over. Yet, we’re incapable of self cessation.
Hobbies, Arts, Likes and activities of both aesthetically and physically pleasing natures are bought in to explain the further reason for existing. The common ones being good food, good music (musicians), family, art and so on. These while being good explanations created out of socio-economic factors like your immediate company, or even factors like religion, region, and genetic disposition all explain WHY you are as you are. Once realized WHY and HOW you already function, the real reason is, can you continue to function the same way. I feel almost compelled to further explain this.
So I shall.
The red and blue pill from the Matrix trilogies. Almost all of us would chose the pill allowing for us to remain deeply buried within the comfortable embrace of the world we know. Finding out the truth does absolutely negligible amounts for our want to live in the truth and we sooner revert than hear any more.
The absolute truth in this matter (according to me) is that we’re programmed animals. We feel most emotions because that’s how we’re evolved and that’s how we’re been taught to feel or emote. This is evident by how certain emotions associated with certain actions don’t transcend well across different cultures.
What then is the purpose for existing?
We know HOW we’re here, we know WHAT we’re made of, We know WHY we’ve existed and flourished so far, but what now?
I’ve written before about how “unconditional love” is just a mere concept more than reality and nothing is capable of unconditional love, not even a god, indicative by how EVERY religion has a concept of hell. If pure love as written doesn’t not exist, the love we know is a hormone driven short-term concept which is later put on auto-pilot by various other chemical reactions that we could name, what’s the purpose of existing? Can our mundane short term “ambitions”, needs, goals and need for self propagation be enough to justify existing?

Have you ever punched someone in the face?

You know what I've completely forgotten the feeling of?
Hitting someone. Punching them square in the face.

I'd be willing to bet it would be very satisfying. All my pacifism aside, punching someone in the face would be awesome.

I don't even have a chosen target. There's no intended victim of this yet to be dished out, unwarranted violence.


Maybe its just my sense of depreciating self image trying to self destruct itself because lately, well, i'll say it, life's been good. A little too good.

There's much i'll never talk about, i guess to no one's loss, since the only people that read this are about four odd people, which probably includes me.


Self destruction is an awesome phenomenon.
I've always liked the pain derived from physical wounds, maybe I try to emulate the same from my broken ego wounds.
Or maybe I'm just babbling.
I just may be.

Didnt have a camera by my side this time

"Didn't have a camera by my side this time
Hoping i would see the world with both my eyes."


It's the time of the great reveal, the time when every player shows the hands that he's been so guarding the whole game.
Do i really have the cards that i've bluffed the farm on, or was it really a good bluff.
I look around the table, all the fellow gamblers are me. I'm playing against myself, with myself to lose.
another 2 minutes and it'll all be known. Do i have it, or did i always like to believe i did.

Do you know what complete exhaustion is

DO you know what complete exhaustion is? Have you heard of its symptoms? Have i told you yet of exhaustion? You feel completely devoid of the slightly motivation to think or move or eve
have you heard of its symptoms? Haven't i already specified them in vivid detail? I think memory loss is one of them, or so i vaguely recall reading. You've heard of exhaustion right? do you know what 'complete' exhaustion is?
I'm sure i've already discussed this at length, but do you know the symptoms of exhaustion? I've read people often forget halfway through what they intend to originally say, or so i've heard. Or maybe i always knew this. Although, then again, i might have read it somewhere. Or have i said that already.

know that state of mind where when you close your eyes you stare into complete blackness? no hues of color, no dreams nothing. some people call it peace, maybe peace is simply the state of your brain utterly exhausted. Do you know what complete exhaustion is?

I think i know, it seems so simple now. Sleep is a simple enough concept, very straight forward. No calculations, no manual required, even toddlers figure it out. How did this concept of 'sleep' elude me so! Oh i know, I've been busy being exhausted.

Do you know what complete exhaustion is? Haven't i already discussed this!

Solitude forgotten

I used to know what to do with myself in the past.
Spend entire weekends with just myself.

Im afraid company has now ruined my ability to provide self sustenance.

Maybe i'll beable to recapture what i could do not so long ago, maybe theres hopes yet.

Lesson learned though, people are trouble, or maybe this is just me finding ways to be untrusting and for good reason..



Regards,
Desmond Frias..

The honest truth?

When you hold your head up straight and stare life square in the face, you realize that you are absolutely alone.
There's NO one that you can call yours, don't fool yourself.

You might disillusion yourself by surrounding yourself with "friends" and even people you love. You might go out socializing, drinking with friends or even engaging in old world coitus with the aforementioned other.

Don't fool yourself.

when the time comes, when the axe is raised, it'll just be you.
Everything changes, the world, circumstances, the people you love and even you. What do you do then? I know exactly what you do, i've seen you do it a million times. You pretend like nothing happened, you learn to sacrifice, you make excuses for your own as well as other peoples behavior. You're pathetic and so am I.

Why can't we move on, Live life with being slaves to other people. Why do we seek validation and why can't we live without it? Why are our actions so governed by our chemical balances in our brain and why are we so ignorant and defensive about it.

I hate how I am.
I'm trying to change.

Are you happy with who you are?
Are you really?

The Subconscious Mind

The Subconscious mind desires
Often craves and requires
The world around to warp
Twist and contort
Fit the insides of itself

TO understand and be understood
Comprehension of itself
Questions to be answered
Questions to be posed
The little mind steadily grows

And as it matures it begins to knows
That as the mind can only ever grow
So do the questions of life
And the pertinence of itself
Is soon dependant on life

The universe was static
Cold dark and vast
And in its infinite vastness
Created a mind so clouded and overcast
That in its insignificance
Imagined itself to understand it all

The little mind grows old
Only to realize it has lived in a mould
Would it ever be capable of knowing
The secrets of the universe without going
To neatly hidden a backroom away from itself?

Tired and desolate, utterly depressed,
The mind gives up and eternally rests
The point of life, he surmised,
Was not at all to question why
It was indeed after all, to do and die.

Found the next day stiff and cold,
His friends called him wise and bold
But yet, a man in search of fool’s gold
But the smile on his face disagreed
He’d found peace, through such a simple a deed.

The Time keeper

Oh how i've missed you, my legions of non-existing loyal fans.
My time away from didn't mean a hiatus from writing it self, but merely meant thought weren't being shared on such an accessible platform..

Here's one of the thoughts i've pondered on.

One good evening after i decided walk a bit, this eventually turned into a 4km walk. i crossed about four stations on foot, then a good three albums of music later, decided to call it a night, hailed a cab, went home.

The next day i was struck by a fascinating thought. just a few generations ago, this was time that had to be planned for, there existed no quick mode of transport. my ancestors HAD to take this long to cover that distance.

Today, with the advance in technology and infrastructural growth related to transport, what was a 1 hour walk is covered in just under 5 minutes.
I have therefore gained just about 55 minutes on a task that had to be done.

What did i do with this time? nothing.
This was time gained, and subsequently squandered.

Imagine going back in time with a car, to the days where life meant hard work and offering a farm worker the option of cutting his commute by an hour. would he then utilize the left over time as a boon?

The number of hours we've saved is phenomenal! our callouses in utilizing this time, is even more fascinating. And yet, before the icy fingers of death grip our neck, what is the last thing we desire? More time!

Ironic isn't it?

Recorded Projected - WIP

Recorded Projected - WIP
After months of lethargy comes one moment of action. and this was it.

The noose tightens.

Who says I don't give charity. I give the greatest gift i can in my humble capacity, a part of my brain.
but as the days pass and the wrinkles on my face deepen, i have an increasing number of worms eating away at my brain. More activities, more self betterment.
I'll soon not have the kind of time or patience to give away like i had been.

I urge those with me, step up, or step off. I'm not sure i can continue to pull weight like i did earlier
You've have come this far because you weren't pulling me down to a point where i couldnt function, doesnt mean u weren't pulling me down at all.

People have problems, everyone has problems, some of us just bite hard into the leather and take the whipping like a man.

I've had it with a lot of things im currently associated with already. now all i look for is reasons to cut off additional nonsense.



Drama..
people love to live their lives like they're in some sort of consistent problem.
that problem always isn't them. its an external factor that they cannot get rid off.
me? i like to get rid of problems. i dont believe there's a single problem any of you have that isn't either your fault or a problem you can't do anything about.
If you honestly believer your problem is so unique that nothing can be done, then youre a lost cause. i see no reason for us being associated, neither do i intend to waste anymore of your time or mine trying to helping you out.

Want to be better.
work towards being better
Never give up on yourself.

The Trivial Pursuit of Happiness

We like to be in the pursuit of happiness or eternal satisfaction, we even appear to earnestly try our best to attain bliss but really, we know happiness isn’t good for us. That’s at least what we’ve been taught right from the cradle.
“Second place son? No problem, next time you can work harder and get the first place”
“You only scored 82% in your finals? How will you get into a good college with these scores?”

We’re taught to win and given tools to enable us to win. We’re taught that we’re special by people who were taught that they were special. It seems to be a vicious cycle of premature ego inflation at a time when our highest achievements are to be potty trained.
When i now look around, i feel thankful for the fact that i had a childhood, unimpaired by academic pressures (for a while anyway). I got to experience scrapped knees; battling in the playground and using imagination to transform ordinary sticks into one shot kill guns and samurai katanas.
But let’s move on shall we?

As adults we carry onward the same pressure to perform and succeed everywhere we go. When we eventually are introduced into general society and out of our closed groups, we figure out that we aren’t so special after all, there are always people better. That’s when the materialism begins. We begin supplementing our own selves with objects in order to add value to our total package, as if the objects now were an extension and part of us. This is the phase of expensive watches, over obsession for vehicles, instruments, shoe closets, branded bags, fifteen thousand items of clothing and accessories to match them all. Our identity has now been diluted to being unidentifiable to the objects we want to associate ourselves with, some of us become “gadget freaks”, some become “car/bike nuts”, some even attempting at becoming a library of movies and television shows.

Now if you’ve made it this far, you know where I’m going with this. You’ll never achieve perfect and pure happiness or even lasting peace if you belong to the above category (i fit there too).
You cannot be happy if your identity is tied to objects, or if you want to be a winner.
You cannot be happy if you have the competitive spirit, or are a compulsive shopper.
you will never achieve happiness with your current friends, to achieve happiness, you must become someone you have never been before and be consistent with it. You current friends will then become ancient reminiscent of the person you used to be.

You cannot achieve happiness if you aren’t in love. Although this sounds counterproductive, every relationship must have its ups and downs (a phrase created by people in relationships). These downs are periods of non happiness. You’re only chance at happiness is to find someone who isn’t everything I’ve described above or is someone who at least aspires to be that person.

Welcome to the world. Where we’re given a stick and made to participate in a gun fight. All of us run forward and earnestly try stabbing life with a stick.
Winning is accepting you have a stick, throwing it away and enjoying the 5 seconds you have until the bullet is in your brain.

The Not Me Mes

If Weve ever had the pleasure of being alone for sometime, maybre over coffee or dinner, i manage to fool most people into a feeling of brotherhood and understanding. I manage to play multiple roles lifetime membership in club of wonderland. Ever since i remember i’ve always been fascinated with fantasies and being able to spin a good tale that feels so true, you could feel the fabric of it if you only held out your hand.
To compensate for my inate ability to spin parallel universes, i’ve been blessed with a strong core, that never lets me, even for a second believe in the universe i’ve spun. I’ve been everything from a boorish lad who sits with his legs up, yelling cuss words in local languages, to someone who never uses any bad languange. I’ve been someone completely into high class music and someone who’s into music that is more often associated with the well, not so high class.
After much deliberation into why i feel the need to play roles, i’ve resigned myself to thinking i do that, because it helps me hide. I hate being noticed, i hate being on the spot, i’ve always hated being different. Being exactly as whoever im with helped me blend into the crowd which then fed my secondary perrogatives, ie, to observe and analyze the behaviour of other around me.
The roles i play arent completely alien from my being, they definitely exist, albiet in smaller quantities and similarly, i can never play a role that im not even 1 percent of. Thus to play a role, all i do is over amplify the exact qualities required. Hence, the 27 sides of desmond (in connection with a prior post of me having 27 personalities)
The tricky part is when someone breaches the levels of outer combination of personalities i’ve concocted. That rare instance where i feel i can trust someone enough to have everything rest and be as is.
The weird part? This works for me. Brilliantly.
Leads me to believe my own brain is subonciously pulling of the greatest con job ever by keeping me in 28th universe and leading me to believe im doing an accurate job with the first 27th.

Similarities between ronin and cab drivers

This may seem like a bad drug induced trip, but hear me out, i just might made sense in my state of sleep deprivation.

Ronin are Samurai that have no master. These are mostly the equivalent of guns for hire, wandering lethal assassins who took up a job that paid enough to barely be fed.

Cab driving in Mumbai is one of the toughest jobs in Mumbai today, well according to me anyway. Anyone who's been out in peak rush hour traffic, would only appreciate someone who not only drives through this soup we call traffic from 8 in the morning to 10 at night, but also does so with optimum efficiency with their accident rates being lower than other private cars that barely take to the streets a fraction of the time a cab is on the streets. Cabbies (drivers) usually aren't from this land, they've come here from far flung places so remote, some of them have only seen Mumbai for the first time when they get here. They're specialized in what they do, most not knowing anything else, or have the lack of any other skills. For their endless transit from one end of the city to the other and a hundred times more, they barely earn enough to carve out a sustenance, are at the mercy of the ruthless Mumbai traffic cops and at the same time at the mercy of the goons who have sponsored them here in way of renting them cabs.

Think your job sucks? Let me give you a cab on rent, make you pay a ridiculous percentage of your earnings to me, have traffic cops treat you lower than vermin, have every passenger that you pick up distrust you and think you're a cheat and a hoodlum, have fuel charges rising with inflation with your fare not correspondingly rising, have you drive around in rush hour traffic and be made to go everywhere all the time, whether you want to or not.
Still think your job sucks?

I think cabbies in Mumbai would rather be Ronin. They'd at the least get a sword.

Death of artistic inspiration

OF late, i've been a bit less enthused about going out with a camera with the intention of capturing life in all it's splendor. The weird part is that i can still vividly remember the original intent of me wanting to click, with new insight everyday it seems to chisel away at a lot of my earlier pursuits that now seem trivialized in light of new ways of processing information.
About a year back, I spent a good quantity of money on upgrading my camera equipment and made the arduous and what i later found to be breathless trip up the mountains of Leh in Jammu. Armed with a wide, telephoto and a basic prime lens, i captured as much as I humanly could, much like someone being let out into the outside world for the first time.
I saw blue skies, bluer than i'd ever seen them before, blue waterfalls, water so clear, it was transparent even a couple of foot down to the bottom. Stunning landscapes with cascading mountains with sporadic patches of greenery especially snaking alongside the Indus River. Birds, flowers and plants that i'd never before seen or even heard of in my life.

I spend my first four to five days incessantly cataloging everything i saw to the point of me almost filling up all my memory cards, which even by conservative measures was a herculean task. But then five days in, a chord stuck within me, something i'd probably hoped for, it being the reason for me making the trip alone.
Suddenly clicking pictures in such a beautiful landscape seemed redundant at best, and after which, i could click no more. The rest of the pictures i clicked post that day were about 4, all from my blackberry to catalogue food and a bus schedule.

The pointlessness of my photographic pursuits probably became apparent when i found myself surrounded in a place where i could best clear my mind, alone on a mountaintop, and after I climbed down (took a good 3 hours) i realized that all i'd done up there was try to select the best vantage point to click my pics. I was so caught up in getting the light right and trying to best and most accurately capture mother nature that i forgot about taking a moment to open my eyes to their widest and realize where i was, on a mountaintop, in leh, by myself. I could've sat there for hours and pondered whatever i wanted to, without a disturbance in the world.

This didn't take anytime to be applied in other areas of my clicking, and i soon began to see the pointlessness in trying to get shots of wildlife or landscapes or still life or even cities. Sure, i'd have a good picture, sure it'd go into my collection of pictures, but then what? what was the end point in wasting my life with one eye constantly looking though my viewfinder when i could have both eyes wide open and life completely in the moment.

Im yet very enthused about cataloging how people look. I believe the average person should have pictures of himself so as to remember where he was and what he was. This is an important part of growth; knowing who you were, and many people can't remember this without visual aid.
My next trip will probably not have the same heavy equipment i lugged around the first time. Maybe a simple point and shoot to remember all the happy people i meet, maybe not even that.

This leads me to heavier topics, but for now, this will have to stop here :)

Subjective Moraity

This is a touchy subject I assure you. Often has the politically correct hissing, forming a make shift crucifix, but well we must drudge onward, musts't we!

Who's to say who's wrong and who's right. (bite me English pedants)

I often like to argue this out with Hitler as my example, but to update my arguments, lets use a more recent example, Osama Bin Dead fine with everyone?
Subjective morality pretty much is defined as being the state wherein both parties each performed actions from a moral base that was ultimately righteous to them and viewed the opposing party as having defiled their moral system. On asked who would I personally side with during the american war on terror, my response would pretty much be fence sitting and as a group, we're generally frowned upon and used by wannabe politicians to incite feelings of false pretentious patriotism among generally non-intelligent patsies (the general public)
Neither was right, neither was wrong. One saw it as destruction of amoral living and an attack on proper Islamic values and the other as protecting their civil rights (by invading a desert nation). Might I interject to add that this kind of "protection of values" was the same reason the US got into the Vietnam war, even speaking against of which is tantamount to the greatest crime in the US.

Now i don't intent to give you a history lesson, I'm sure you've read about it (not really, you're a bunch of unread dumb-asses), but let me bring some real world perspective to this.
If you're at work and you work in an office, there's at least a 50% chance you suspect of at the least, ONE person that you think has either slept her way to a higher position or even into the company to begin with. This person generally wouldn't be your quintessential brain, but more a street smart person. This I gather, is generally frowned upon.

How immoral is it really though. These are people who mostly aren't genetically designed to absorb knowledge and store it like most MBA grads, why shouldn't they use whatever IS genetically given to them. Are there REALLY rules in a war? This life IS a war and if you're going to cry about it being unfair, don't play!

My last example is kinda anti climatic in a way, but here goes.
I'm generally a nice guy, incapable of taking advantage of people. Or am I? My work depends on how efficient I am in getting the best deals and being a general smooth talker of sorts (which is why I suck at my job). So here, my morality allows for me to take advantage of people? Is that because I believe they, by being in the business have acknowledged that they've understood the rules of the lack of it in this game? So that means, I cannot by virtue take advantage of the innocent right? Wrong again. If I didn't, what I sell is fluff. Unneeded luxuries in a country where most people cant afford ONE square meal a day. I get to see charts of how we've penetrated "regional markets" and how many "consumers have been converted" to "consume our content", fully aware that the 15 or more bucks they paid for my product could've bought someone a meal.

In fact, lets turn this to you. You're educated right? are at a computer right now? wearing decent clothes? Whats the thing you've wanted most in life? Or second most? lets make a list of 20 things you can buy if you had a million bucks. Are you REALLY going to buy all those things with the knowledge that somewhere entire villages are dying off for the lack of basic drinking water?

Are you such a nice person after all? You're a horrible person right? But you yet manage to squeeze in a drink on weekends, buy shoes, go and watch a movie at a very overpriced theater and pay what was once the price of gold for a meal for two. How? Subjective morality. That's right to you.
And to the people in the poor dying village, sticking you up at knife point, stealing your shoes and selling them for ONE square meal per person in their family is morally right, it keeps them alive.

Strange world we live in? You betcha.

Born into Freedom?

Are we born into freedom or slavery?
This presents and interesting conundrum that I've been pondering over for quite some time now.

The moment our eyes open into this god awful world, we're free. Free from a sub-life, depend like a parasite on another human being. We fight to be free from the womb and just for a split second we're no one. Our only identity is our gender, and if we got all our limbs intact. Nothing is expected from us and we owe no one anything.

Then it happens.

In the next few seconds that ensue, we get a name, we're tagged and in the following days, dreams are built around us. We're already designated to be something, from something as simple as an an engineer or an accountant, to something redundant as a christian or a muslim to something vague as a good person, a guitarist, a vegetarian, a spiritualist and the list goes on.
we're trapped.
Trapped by expectations set by the very people that spat us out into the world.
we can rarely escape these expectations, because being raised in them for as long as we've been alive does cause a lasting groove in our mind, a sort of pre-conditioning to the very factors that trap us.
Many of us go on to live fully "satisfying" lives without ever waking up to the puppets that we truly are.

I ask you, are you satisfied? And I'm sure your answer is that you are.
but really, can a person who has only ever eaten one flavor of ice-cream say it is his favorite and it completely satisfies him?

It confounds me that people will apply this logic to EVERYTHING inconsequential but not to things like relationships, religions and things that actually matter.

I want to truly live, but is it possible to really be alive being surrounded by people who'd rather use they brain to decide which flip flops are better?

*sigh.
This race is doomed.

Desmond Loves the Darkness.

Its like an inexplicable tendency to lean towards the darkness. I've always been so, the darker, the more fascinated I am by it.
We've already related to those vigilantes and those lead characters with a morality that strictly more than a hundred shades of grey. I don't just relate to them, I become them.

So far recessed into the small pockets of my own mind, I can no longer differentiate between whats real and what's seemingly an imaginary demon sitting aside me staring at me.
It should be imaginary right? Or i may just be losing my mind. His cold blue eyes staring into my soul as to stake claim to it, isn't helping my nerves.

We all are capable of incredible feats of rage and destruction. Let me stop here and bring in a concept of an eastern religion, oh wait, some of the blind enough followers don't like to think of it as a religion now, they're a bunch of idiots.
There's a differentiation one can derive from the brain and mind that goes through periods of extreme self inflicted torture and from the one that resides inside that recognizes these as torture. If you can't live with yourself, who is it that you can't live with? therefore there exists a dichotomy in thought and being.

Now if my mind and brain are capable of ultimate destruction, and the part of me that we'll refer to as a soul recognizes that, it will seek to destroy the latter. I know this for a fact, because it has already begun. The soul is already eating away at the mind making the destruction turn inward in a way wherein there wont be any innocent bystanders.

The existentialist crisis may just claim me yet, or i may just be too dead to notice.

My Sins? Am I redeemed?

I don't mean to troll. I honestly and sincerely don't, but i have to ask.
Can ANYONE explain the true meaning of Good Friday to me.

Now don't get me wrong, I was born a Christian and am quite the bible scholar, so I know the historical record of what happened (as the Bible records it) but what i cannot seem to come to terms with, is pretty elemental.

Let us for a minute separate the old testament from the New testament, you know, to get all the looting, homicide and infanticide out of the way.
Now, the records say, Jesus died on the cross to for our sins or well, the Church sure interprets it that way right? Died for my sins and the sins of Mankind, but wait, wasn't there a clause by him earlier, stating something along the lines of "Do not judge lest ye be judged"? Does not him dying for my sins also mean him calling me a sinner first? Is he able to cast the first proverbial stone because he himself is free from sin? Isn't that tad petty for the Son of God?

But that is just one side of this ill fated event.

What real world implications did that one event have. He died for the sins of mankind.
Does that absolve me from going to Hell? The Church says NO.
Does this mean that the souls in hell up to that point in history were set free and taken in to heaven? This would mean Genghis Khan now lives next to St. Francis Xavier (and if you are a history buff, you already know they both probably are neighbors right now too). The Church says NO here too.
In a fit of sheer desperation, I ask, does this mean that original sin was absolved? NO!

I as a rational human admit to being a bit confused about this whole ordeal.

If you amputate the "spiritual" portions of this whole event which require faith, what REALLY did him dying on the cross achieve? What ultimate purpose does it solve?

The only thing I could think of, was it was compulsory for it to happen to satisfy scripture. For it was written that a human would be born of virgin womb, greater than a prophet, the savior of this world. He would absolve the sins of Mankind and generally set things right. This scripture was then again received through a series of visions to earlier prophets, whether Jew, Muslim or Christian. This would imply, with horrific ramifications that God desired his Son (who wasn't born yet) to be born and to die, even though in his infinite knowledge, would know that it would serve no real purpose, because what transpired in the subsequent millennium is now known as the dark ages of the Church.


So I honestly implore you, if you have a deeper understanding of this subject, please educate me, mail me if you must! I'm all ears to a different opinion.

Sinking In

We've seen these defensive masks being constantly put up by the unlikeliest of people these days. Purely as a defense mechanism.
I apparently am not exception to this rule. Realizing that I play along alone doesn't suffice to break the shackles of it. It seems to demand competition only from harder and strong resolve, something that I cannot seem to muster with the current amount of resources unwittingly chewing thought-waves and occupying small pockets in my brain.

So I give myself the same worn excuse that I'm different from the rest, I can break the pattern whenever I so desire, oblivious to the fact that I may just be in too deep to make a hasty exit. Like quicksand the gaps of air rapidly close all around me trapping me further in an unyielding mass of static noise that drown out cognitive thought, enslaving me to my most hard coded societal rule set. I put up a mask. Hoping to either gradually loosen my feet so I can once again run in field of free thought, or I wait for the ground to harden, which itself is an obvious trap to the vigilant observer, me not being one of them.
So I wait.

I wait in agony, my heart bruised, my brain heavy and my breathing stifled, my brain makes do with every little breath my mouth receives by gasping and lunging towards it by propelling itself into the void seeking it, seeking air like it needed it to survive!

I look around me, others lie strewn in fields of despair, covered in their own waste, the excrement of their own actions and oblivious to the pain because they're lost in the mirage of the "One" that was supposed to have redeemed them! Redeem them by extending a hand and pulling them out of their misery, Alas, death comes only to the deserved!

I try to help, those sinking in above their necks as a meager measure of saving them and preserving my own humanity, lost if I had to witness them go under, but alas again. I manage to grab a handful of hair as one almost goes under and they stop their decent into the ground, as if in a trance, looking straight at me, unblinking in wonder of one who directs them to something other than the course they were prepared to follow, even unto their own immediate demise..

With the person still suspended mid-ground, another look proves my efforts insignificant. I am but a man, with feet trapped myself, how am I expected to be a God, what is a God, if trapped?
Unyielding, I struggle as tears of blood run down my face, with my hand already affixed to the first person, who still just stares. I grasp another and then another and a fourth, until my four hands now hold four humans, shells of the people they once were. But for the weight, the infernal weight, I might have succeeded. Instead now I only sink.
Deeper into the void, where millions have gone before me.
As the darkness envelopes me, I dream of happy things.
"It isn't so bad here" I say to myself.
Now I sleep and be one.

Death is inescapable and inevitable.

Someday we’re all going to be six feet under and dirt. The sheer contemplation and fear regarding something that’s inevitable is probably the most nonsensical emotion that man still retains to today.

Today’s man is such a slave to societal norms already created through our evolution cycle that has now become beyond him to comprehend why exactly he feels the loss for someone he does even know more than the occasional greeting. At times, even a strangers death is known to make a person re-evaluate this life and how he lives it. Re-evaluation wouldn’t even be necessary if the person begins by understanding this feeling of remorse and why exactly he feels the need to emphatize with relatives of the deceased.

This probably began at a time when the earliest of man began to form smaller groups necessary to hunt and to become the first hunter gatherers. Small hunting packs ensured a catch over a solo hunter and the numbers were also useful to defend land and the tribe itself from other such tribes. This is comparable today, with your absolute immediate circle of friends. People you confide in, people you trust when drunk and people you can think being stranded on an island with. Naturally, in both timelines, a death is perceived by the immediate circle/tribe as lesser numbers. Its one person lesser that you can trust and depend on. After family, we’ll regard this as the second circle of grief. We feel grief even though we know of how inconsequential our grief is. What we also feel, is a deep sense of loss, no of the actual person though. We feel the loss of the life we’d planned around the person. With each of our close associates today, we have a fair idea of where we want that relationship to head, and we’ve all projected into the distance future with regards to that person. Death distorts our plans completely and makes us redo the whole plan. This again, is an emotion that isn’t allowed by society, since in the first timeline, a death in the tribe, would weaken the whole tribe. The sense of brotherhood would be broken, only to be replaced by a sense of weakness with respect the tribe, and inability with respect to being able to save the person in question. Society does not permit us realizing this as a core emotion anymore, because now, it is politically incorrect to think of “survival of the fittest” as a concept conducive to society (even though we all know it exists). Therefore death in the immediate circle is accompanied by the deepest regret which would manifest itself as profound sadness. This is best observed in couples where one person survives the other.

How we feel towards the death of others now is all a relative scale to the above argument. Our grief or sadness regarding it, is always directly proportional to how well we tie in with this society and how much we crave acceptance from it.

How do we relate to this now? How does this tie in with our current everyday lives? It doesn’t yet. But soon, very soon, someone related to someone you know will die. This person wouldn’t affect your life in the least and your total personal experience with this person will barely be adequate to fill a nutshell. At this point, remember that you’re programmed to feel sad for this and be atleast a bit grief stricken only by society. You’re original intention for feeling bad was good, but now society has made you guilty about now feeling this same emotion for everyone around you, after all, aren’t we all just one huge big tribe now?





Of course I agree, there are multiple sides I’ve overlooked, I assure you these are intentional, I have no ambition to write a thesis about this here (cause I’m lazy), but since you asked nicely here they are in point form, well some of them.

1) Religion has made death a sacred affair. It isn’t, although now it is too late to redo that much of early inculcation that death is a door way to something greater. This however completely clashes with our evolutionary trigger of feeling a sense of morbid loss manifested through sadness. This is why even as the priest mumbles nonsense about how the person is in a better place and how this was God’s plan, the immediate family cannot help but sob into the next month.

2) The Hindu concept of death is much more appreciable. Not the reincarnation bit, that is idiotic. Not the Hindu Heaven too, that is well, let’s say flawed. I’m talking about northern Hinduism where death is death, and just that. Where the self has to realize that death is not to be feared or conquered. Death is just to be realized as death. Pondering over death, fearing it or planning your life around it, is as inconsequential as you buying a chimp a computer.

3) You feeling sad/grief regarding the death of anyone else is a wasted byproduct of our evolution. It does not facilitate you or the person’s immediate circle in anyway. It only suffices to reassure the person of a sense of false security for a while, until the next death sets it off again.

4) People will never realize this. Ever. Never ever. Ermm, Ever! They’ll still cry at deaths, they’ll feel a sense of deep sadness. They’ll call you cold for not feeling the same and they’ll even call you heartless at times. All the while, bending over forwards to facilitate society’s hand up their arse to better move their lips whilst they attempt to maintain a false sense of superiority over you.

To Vote or Not To..

I think, and sincerely believe that voting is a joke. Here’s why.
In my “area” of elections, let us consider three political parties that may be contesting the forthcoming elections.
1) Shiv Sena
2) BJP
3) Congress

For the purpose of understanding to readers not from India, the numbers are also an accurate representation of their ranks with respect to criminal acts/criminal associations. In ascending order, they represent blue collar crimes, riots, extortions etc, In the opposite order, they represent white collar crimes like misappropriation of funds, bribes for permits etc.
Now given that my choice is amongst probably five candidates, the fourth one usually is a cast in by one of the major three. Someone to contest the elections split the vote base and drop out later. The fifth guy usually is a goon with enough of political pull to be able to create his own party.
Oh yes, I seemed to be forgetting an elemental part of this, they all hate me! Apparently I fit their bill for the devil, should they ever need him personified.
I’m Christian! Well by birth anyway. (How undramatic you say? Indeed.). We’re loved for a two month window during the elections, not before, not after.
I’m not a native of the land. I live in a state called Maharashtra. My lineage is originally from a state called Goa. Which means that even though I was born here, spent my entire life here (so did my father), I’ll never be a Maharashtrian when politicians decide to play this card.
I have a job. In accordance with the above point, I’m robbing the job of some hard working Maharashtrian boy somewhere who just lacks the resolve to actually go find one.
I’m a musician with, brace yourself, Long Hair! Yea, this unfortunately isn’t even a stereotype anymore. The land of Bollywood already isn’t kind to us without receiving aids from the central government in way of Taxes on performances and ridiculous import charges on musical instruments. Come on! We’re making music with it! Not gold! *sigh
Western Culture: And this should be obvious. If you’ve considered all the above points, you’ll realize that I’m from something the media likes to call generation X, or Z, Or something.. We “inculcate” western culture and values in the innocent natives of this humble place. Culture like Valentine’s Day! And Proms! Speaking in English! Us with our western influences! How distasteful! We encourage the natives to dress immodestly and swing their barely clad bodies immorally to hypnotizing beats.

Now, there’s a certain section of people out there who would no doubt object by saying “If you don’t like what’s happening, do it yourself”. This argument has so many flaws, it only works to reinforce my stance on the whole “we’re letting a bunch of ill informed idiots do the voting, for issues they don’t even fully comprehend” idea.
Me contesting the elections is like me jousting with a toothpick against “Sir I-Have-a-huge-iron-lance”.
Apart from the fact that I have zero political pull, and not criminal associations (This is a bad thing for electoral contestants), I also don’t know the regional language (Marathi) we enough to appeal to the broader demographic. I can always be cast as the foreign ‘devil’ trying to convert the innocent minds of, er, haven’t you been paying attention all this while?
What's the saddest part of this whole sordid deal is that the intelligent or even literate percentage of the voting population is so negligible, that even the audience facebook reaches does not compete. I'm expected to fall in line as a drop in the ocean of people who don't make wise financial decisions, personal decision, heck they don't even know what to eat, wear, way or THINK beyond what the television tells them to, I'm expect to stand in line with them to propagate some nonsense of how my vote will make a change? When the system changes, affair are made more transparent or when they establish at least a basic standard test of IQ before allowing people to vote, call me up. I'll be the one first in line..

Enter my self hatred.

Self hatred is a funny concept, a crippling paradoxical paradigm of sorts. It often leaves you in a sense of utter and complete depression while, conversely all being directed at your inability to escape depression, thus forming a vicious circle that sinks you deeper and deeper until you've hit rock bottom.
Only,
There's no rock bottom.

The lowest denominator of self destruction is suicide. There's no point below that standard that is humanly even possible for a human with regards to personal self destruction. That's rock bottom.
How them do people pull out of the death spiral, if I may be so crude.
What magic mantras do these shrinks whisper into their ears while they have them seated on their mysterious couches! What makes a rational person give up his quest for rock bottom!

Only one thing can! Make him question his own rationality.
If he isn't rational, he isn't possible of cognitive thought, therefore all the relevant thought regarding ending the brain are processed as void and a 'suggestions' whispered by a stranger become the new absolute truth.

How else I wonder would it be possible to break out of the death spiral!
It surely couldn't be just a precisely measured cocktail of all the right ingredients, could it? Just a dash of societal conditioning, some disillusion here, some 'help' and 'support' from friends there, some wise counselling about, and voila, you're seemingly all patched up. But the thing about band-aids you see, is that over time, they seem to weather, and peel leaving behind the ghastly scar of the wounds they used to conceal.

No.
There has to be a better way of ending the death spiral.
Understanding the core reason might provide some insight into the motivation behind the self destruction, but decades of societal condition, not to mention trusted people like elders, parents and friends super-imposing their values on us have corrupted, if not jaded our own core personality, our sheer genetic make up.

This seems an uphill battle, but if provisions aren't made in a timely fashion and way in advance, the commencement of the war will only see us half dressed and improperly armed.

I'll beat this yet.
Without friends, without society, without fairy tales, without being told I'm crazy, Without God.

My drama.

No one fucks with me.
Not because I'm the man, not because I evoke fear into the hearts of the meek.
Merely because I don't play fair.

The first sentence was not a statement or an affirmation as much as it is a straight forward warning, namely because of the second part of that.

I don't play fair, not in the least. I use every dirty trick in the book of mental games against you, not to mention hit you with everything but the kitchen sink. There's not bottom to that trunk of insults and conceited illegal jabs that i'll pull.

I only get there when absolutely pushed against the wall of my tolerance and i never, NEVER get there, on my own anyway..
Lately, everything I'm surrounded by seems to push me to that wall. The world constantly serves reasons to me on a silver platter.
Now i know what you're thinking, no one can make me angry if I don't let it affect me, I hear you say.. But a boys got to have a breaking point no?

This state cannot go on forever though and that's the sad part.
Sooner rather than later, the sporadic mental breakdowns will stress my enough to cause a proper breakdown.

I hope I'm big enough to then disassociate and give this all up. That includes you all. Friends, Family, people that claim to "Love" me, which right now frankly are more people i can handle.
Its surprising that someone with a larger amount of people that "love" him than average is still the loneliest person around.
Well solitude is a good thing when there's peace.
When people fuck with your head, the last thing you need is solitude