Vulnerable people

We're terribly vulnerable as people. Emotionally and mentally susceptible to any kind of manipulation and deceit..
We try to strength the mental barricades protecting the soft insides from corrosion and corruption. But no matter how successful we are, there will always be people who can unmistakeably pierce through to our innocent interior.
Everyone has this one person they're soft to, to the point of wishing they didn't exist just so that they had another chance to build better defenses against the outside world.
Its not only tough but sometimes impossible to build up an immunity towards this one person for the very reason that they've managed to settle in before that immunity could even be created.
We've all been there. We've all had this one person who could affect us so much but just the flick of a finger that we wished they'd just died, just so that we could have freedom of thought and emotion. Yet at the same time, we're hopelessly addicted to everything that this person is.
It is considered poetic misery to be in a state of self brought depression and still want it even though it slowly corrodes away at your state of self being and health.

Soon.. Soon, everyone shall die for me. For i can't ever move on if i am constantly weighed down. Flying requires you to be light and you can't ever take off with too much baggage, emotional or otherwise.
Where I go from there is totally controllable but is it ideal? I intend to find out.

Hidden Dreams

 
 
 
 

Sadly, the only thing holding me back from my dream is myself. Although, isn't it elementally always so? I've always wanted to be a famous guitarist as far back as I can remember. Lets just say wanting to be a musician does not really go down well with my the caretakers of my life, or so I told myself. Now, Im free, independant and yet unable to make the final leap.
Im harshly reminded of the life Im missing every time I go watch friends play and yet..

What IS it Desmond. What'll it take!

Ahh soon I hear myself say.. Soon this shall pay off. 'Bigger picture' i keep telling myself.
A world with more securities I tell myself.
I'll soon be living the perfect life.. The dream life. Someone else's dream life.
While someone else lives mine.

Go ahead, be selfish.. Its genetic.

I've been reading up on this gene known only to geneticists as the 'selfish gene'. This might ring some bells to all you literary types out there as also being the title of one of Richard Dawkins books.
It goes like this. Dawkins says that as the dominant, domineering species, we couldn't have made it this far without elements of selfishness within us. In order to survive, we've had to, in the past be brutally practical and think about the greater good, namely, ourselves. This trait of what is known referred to as selfishness is genetic and is hereditary. And from there onwards he goes into great detail to describe how it destroys the gene pool, contaminating an increasing number of people, information which is irrelevant to this blog.
Co-incidentally, few nights back i was in a engaging conversation about people's inherent selfishness and how they act upon it.
We all behave in the interest of ourselves but will not accept and action towards us that is anything but nice. All we want to be at the receiving end of is clean and pure altruism.. Since that isn't even feasible, we blunder our relationships believing we're not receiving due justice. Ahh such is life.

What's the one silver lining in this story? If people are selfish about their needs, wants and time of day, all you can afford is to understand and accept their selfishness and practice a little selfishness yourself.

Living an absolutely peachy life.

Having been spat out from the comfortable womb of complacency and absolute acceptance into a world of conspiracy and practical realizations is a horrible reality for a few of us.
Where do you go from there? Depressionville, that's where.
Sure you've mentally and emotionally risen much like a phoenix from the ashes of stupidity and complete dependency on higher powers with ulterior motives, but from then onwards, you'll soon realize that you've only just began your journey along your path of thorns and jagged stones.
After the soles of your feet become tender and worn from the journey of having to literally move against the tide of non acceptance by the masses and the complete and utter disregard for your new found ideas and truths by people who have already been hard-coded with nonsense beliefs and irreversible conditioning, you'll slowly realize that you don't care.
You'll look for acceptance and assertion from like-minded individuals and having found none, realize that people like you are a dying breed.
That's when regret hits.
Why did you have to move out of that comfortable womb in the first place. What did you ever hope the achieve? You weren't special, just led to believe that.
Your social group, parents, teachers will only tell you that you're meant for greater things so long as you do not displease their sensibilities.

Things like the comfort of your house, the warmth of loved ones and the absolute trust you could once place in the hands of in your friends are now things of the past.
Now you look at the world with a discerning eye. Being calculative and dissecting every action done onto you with the best microscope possible.
yet, all you want to do is get back to that simpler time.
All you want is to fit in again and revert to being that person who could trust, care and love and look at the world through rose tinted glasses.

But lets face it, that part of you will have died so long back, you're stuck in this new found purgatory until the day you finally cease to exist.

Feeling Hurt.

It all is a byproduct of hurt feelings.
How we treat others is exactly how we've been treated or rather, its how we've broken down that experience and explained it to ourselves.
The more we understand the reason behind a person being hurtful to us, the easier it is to cope with it and move on.

Unexplained hurt however is just tough to deal with.
You have not the slightest inkling of what hit you and no idea of how to deal with it.
Sadly most people who've hurt you to the point of your life being affected, are people you've let into your so called 'circle of trust'. These are people you've once trusted or still trust. It is tough seeing people you've let in, take that trust and run you into the ground with it by simply behaving in a way that offends or demeans you.
They can downright abuse you emotionally or be more subtle and withdraw their love or friendship in a way that unsettles you. How DOES a person go from being a person you've run to when times were bad to someone who creates bad times for you? How DOES a person go from someone who's shoulder you've cried on, to being the reason you've made your pillow damp at night..

The important thing is here is to realize that you're not at fault.
Its not your fault. It just isn't.
People change. mostly for the worst.
Lets face it, every day that passes by, that good caring person just around the corner is slowly losing what makes him human and what makes him care.
with each passing day people are slowly losing their reason to be genuine and good.
probably because they've been at the receiving end of undeserved hurt themselves.
It is a vicious cycle, it indeed is.

Just makes it a whole lot harder to trust the world.
You'll probably recover the first and second time you've been at the receiving end of this heartbreaking pain. You'll cry, you'll get depressed and probably hate the world. But then, that third time, you just won't care. Because you're done.
You're done accounting for the untrustworthiness of others.. You're done letting people into a position where they can ever hurt you whether you deserve it or not.
Thereby, you lose whatever inherent niceness and humanity you might have once possessed..

When you've finally transformed, you're nothing like the person you wanted to be as a kid. You're entire world veiw is now distorted, but you know you didn't have a choice, for in this world, only the strongest survive.
But surviving means self hatred and despising yourself over how much you've changed into the very same people that made you feel belittled in the first place.
YOU are now THEM, creating your own little circle of viciousness with the hurtful things you say.
You say hurtful things to keep people away and to form a makeshift barricade around your wounded heart.
Thus, you live a life of quiet solitude.

Welcome to my world.
Its quiet here.

The Pinnacle of being - being alone

Did you ever hope to live an uncomplicated life? Its one of the most over sold concepts today and yes i may have blogged about it on occasion too.
But its lonely at the top.

People's innate desire to lean towards drama holds them back from leading simple lives.
I was asked today what could possibly pose to be a potential problem for me in the future. After briefly thinking, all i could offer was attempted humor, "the only situation I forsee being a problem in the future in me getting someone pregnant"
This is humorous only because at my current success rate at getting women to drop their inhibitions and their clothes, not that I'm trying anyway, It'll be a few decades.

Suddenly when you've reached upto a point wherein you are unable to even predict your unpreparedness to life's unwanted twists, you are suddenly aware of the shallowness of being. Imagining your life is now uncomplicated, what about everyone else?
Why then are people living in such densely unnatural atmospheres? Why are people forgoing their basic freedom, peace of mind, money and state of being for anything at all. What then is the price you'd be prepared for peace of mind.

Also, you'll suddenly be aware of you're disdain for people of this type. people who often fall prey to life's complications. You will downright despise them for not have the mental clarity that they even sometimes strive for but are too insecure or emotionally stunted to make that final leap. You will definitely feel pity, but only in passing. After all, it is tough looking at the ground from a pedestal.

Living a simple life depends on various factors.
The most obvious one being, you can only trust yourself. If you never really let anyone into the inner circle of trust, no one ever lets you down. NOTE: it is important here to realize, that you have to be standing in your own inner circle of trust. Most people don't fully trust themselves and thus forms the root to most of their insecurities.

The percentage of people actually living life in this depicted manner is so negligibly small that if you do reach up to this level, you'll live a life of quiet depression and solitude.

The Time for Change

Its that special time of the year come around again.
The period of change wherein I shed the old skin of what used to be me and being afresh.
Leave my old mental playgrounds and surroundings behind, burn everything that used to be me.
Its getting so its actually gotten easier to completely destroy my past and from the ashes, create a new me, than to have to look back at my life every year and have to analyze my mistakes.
It is indeed easier to not be able to connect to my past mindsets and completely disconnect from what I used to be as a person.

Leaving behind friends and loved ones is always tough, but a necessary part of this process. Complete cleansing isn't possible is fragments from your past hang on to your being.

New Music, New places, New environment, New people who love me, New people To love, New experiences..
For isn't that what life is all about?
Being tired of being static and leaning towards change?