The most mentally sorted person around, that what I’ve often been referred to as
While the glue that binds my mind and thoughts together slowly dissolves with each passing day
The cracks uncovered, evidence of unlived lives and loves, dreams and ambitions
Regret of people left behind, regret of alternate lives I’ve forgone.
Curl your negative emotions into a ball; force it to the back of your brain
Until the day the seal restraining them can no longer withstand.
And in an instant you’re reminded of every one of these heartbreaking moments in an instant
In an instant, you’ve relieved every painful memory you’ve ever had.
What then is it that facilitates the proverbial opening of the floodgates of emotions?
With the eventual pressure on that small little seal,
It can be anything as complex as a relationship to something as simple as a song.
Even the weather make a person reminisce of bygone times.
Strong factors constantly knock at the door of my sanity, asking to be let it
Constantly requesting they form part of my thought process, constantly craving attention.
Urging my brain to be indecisive, urging my brain to comply with their whims.
Forcing me to be less practical a man, changing my very essence to incorporate nonsense
How much longer can I withstand the onslaught of indecisiveness?
I’m just a boy that wants to be, to live, more so to survive
I guess now, it is just a matter of time, It is.
How much longer can I be me, instead of the me others so desire.
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Tuesday, November 23, 2010
People and their masks.
No one is really who they portray, are they? We’re all exasperatingly confronted by the truth that people aren’t as they seem. We wear masks too, albeit the difference is, we wear one to protect our soft insides. It really is pointless letting down the façade if you’re the only one doing it. What purpose do you really serve letting people into your inner state of mind?
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
These same individuals who demand to see the ‘real’ you, will later judge you, at times directly and mostly when you aren’t even around to protect your reasoning. When you finally see the pointlessness of being true, your mask strengths and tightens around your true face, becoming that much more permanent.
Losing yourself in a state of pretentiousness until you’ve convinced yourself that it IS that mask that defines you as a person. You cease to exist and your mask becomes you.
At times, we’re even forced to wear more than one mask, although that does become a bit complicated when accounting for two different people who know two different masks.
When our falseness is one day pointed out, and it eventually is, we get defensive. We get depressed. And we never accept.
For acceptance includes us coming face to face and coming to terms with the fact that we’ve been fake all along. No one wants that. No one wants to be told they’ve been living a lie, most of the time one they’ve not even realized they’re living.
The real Desmond.
The various people I associate with, I’ve come to realized have very different perceptions of who I am as a person. There is no standard common line that can be drawn in their perceptions as to who I am as a person.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
I’ve been called a stone emotionally, dead inside. Also, I’ve been told that I’m an emotional person and feel every emotion more intensely than even the normal average Joe.
I’ve been told that I’m hyper sensitive and in the same breath told that nothing affects me and that I won’t shed a tear at probably even the funeral of a loved one.
I’ve been told that I’m inertly a nice person and that I really honestly care for and about people. But also that I’d kick someone down the next minute if I thought there was some reward to be had for me.
I’m an ultra confident lead guitarist that can play blazing solos at the speed of light; I’m the rhythm guitarist who hangs around the back of the band hoping no one notices my legs vibrating with stage fright.
I’m excellent at academics and can outdo every at the toughest exam papers without even proper preparation; I’m the guy that fails in subjects so easy they should’ve been made redundant.
I’m the hardest working employee around, one that forgoes his own personal life for the greater good of the company; I’m the guy that lets work suffer just so I can write this post and posts like this one.
I’m the person people confide to, because my inner state is like a safe; I’m not told things because I’m too ‘chatty’
I’m too mature for my age! Why must a 24 year old boy think like he’s 30??; Why are you so immature? When will you even GROW UP?!
I’m an excellent musician; I’m not even good enough to make a band.
I’m husband material, you’d spend the rest of your life with me; You’re a short term kind of boy, I don’t see this having any future.
Why are you so serious all the time!; Why must everything be a joke to you!
If I’m all these people, who really am I? Why must my inner being reside such a state of eternal turmoil that I don’t even remember who I really am?
Or do I just like enacting out different characters for the benefit of others.
Am I living my life whenever with company, in a way that I think they’d accept.
Has my existence really come down to being such an altruistic person that I change who I am to suit people and their moods?
Or is my personally like a prism? Does each person that looks at me only see a certain color determined by the place they stand? Do people see the qualities in me that they choose to see? Maybe I’m actually all these people! My personally may just be big enough o accommodate all these personalities and yet shine out only the one the viewer chooses to notice.
Who DID you think I was?
Indeed.. For in the words of Mayer, Who really did you think I was?
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Your presumptions and assumptions fuel my every fiber.
Gone are the days of insecurity about who I thought I was. I have, over the course of a lot of mental anguish, learned the tough way to accept who I was and who I’ve become. This is the me that is most practical to me. And although I’ve not willingly gone down the road that led me to where I currently stand and though I’ve had others influence every step of this way, I’ve long realized the pointlessness of fighting the current.
Assumptions about the man I could have become, to me is as relevant as telling me I’m king of the world. I don’t fight fate in wars wherein defeat is almost so certain, I can taste it!
I fight circumstances, and while this is true, my world is a complex web of events all interlocked with each other like lovers. Trying to undo even one knot is lighting up three others. Every positive step that I even consider makes me realize the minuteness of the effort in terms of actual outcome! I cannot go through life unweaving my past, I definitely lack the time for it in my present mental state
Telling me that I live a life which I’m going to regret, while not doing a thing for my resolve to change, pricks at my very state of being. I’ve come to terms with my so called ‘lost opportunities’ and ‘failures’. What I don’t need is someone constantly reminding me of my missed opportunities. What I don’t need, I someone pointing out the person I could’ve been. To me, I’m already that person. I already bring myself down with the life I lead. I already suffer in silent regret with the choices I’ve made. I’ve already killed myself a million times over the fact that I’ve let other people make the only decisions that would matter to me in ten years. And while the years lost can never be got back, they can also never be made up for. Not even with the monumental effort in terms which I could possibly muster.
My life to me is a living and growing testament that everyone ultimately is a conformist.
I honestly never thought me to be one, but as I soon realize how deep the hooks of society and social/family influences go, I cannot even being to attempt getting them off. What if who I am is attached to even one of these hooks? What if pulling them out restructures me as a person? Can I afford to change who I’ve been for almost quarter decade? Do I really want it that bad?
Hence I’ll always be me. I’ll always been a person weighed down with the weight of the world and filled with unknowable regrets. And I say regrets because I’m more than aware of the multitude of them that exist. Regrets that tie into every action, every reaction and every thought not acted upon in my short life.
“Soon” I tell myself. Soon, I’ll learn to completely accept the fact that I’m born to conform. Soon I’ll give up on my dreams and ambitions. The world will have won yet another soul in the short scheme of things. But I’m ok with it. Embracing destiny they call it.
Well the final stage of death IS acceptance.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Pulling a brave face
Know the kind of day that makes you wish you were never born?
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
By no standard was this anywhere close to that. Although, I am easily fooled by its viciousness.
See, Im the kind of guy to over dramatize events, this trait I've convinced myself is for the betterment of me in the long run. That resolve seems to be fading, and fast!
For no apparent reason, my being seems to be in a state of emotional and mental turmoil. I seem to be going through a mental transition of sorts, one that I havent really identified yet.
So I'm running around in my head much like a headless chicken, not aware of which demon I'm battling, or if such a demon even exists.
All I know is I'm hurt and a bit distraught.
Been needing a hug to comfort me the whole day today.
The security of a meaningful hug cannot really accurately be described in anyway.
Although, that begs the question "what am I, Desmond Frias, really insecure about?"
Maybe then, I AM going through some turmoil, and my brain has moved the action into my sub-conscious to help me maintain normalcy. Yes, it does that sometimes. Good ol' brain.
If so, when will it ever dawn upon me what I've really been down about?
Therapy? Maybe so.
Introspection isn't as smooth and easy as they make it out to be in those self-help books and the movies. How do you force yourself to be aware of something, that you aren't aware of? Yep.. Life's tough..
Oh well, One day..
one day I'll know.
Maybe it'll be too late, Maybe not.
By then, it'll probably be pointless anyway. My present troubles will seem small and insignificant. I'll probably be-little them before I even realize that those where the problems that lead me into where i've reached. Probably a mess in the future too..
Can't wait.
SO while I sit here and smile, pulling a brave face, I'll always need a hug.
And most of the time, I'll not even know why.
Tuesday, November 16, 2010
The Space Between
Its really easy to fall between the spaces in between life's little trials and tests.
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Falling through the cracks of your sanity, into the abyss of life's horrors.
Emotions.
Do we really control them, or they us?
would we be in this predicament if we could, even for a minute control the way we think or act or most importantly, believe?
I guess not.
Being a thinker never really anyone good. Remember that old clinker from the Bible that went "happy are the ignorant"? or was it innocent?
People who think are actually subjected to a lot of underlying rage. Misguided anger that should have actually been directed towards their own misgivings and short commings
To be contu
Monday, November 15, 2010
Vision of my past.
I can't do this again.
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
I cannot dwell in situation that will only result in depression. Especially when i fight a losing battle against my own demons everyday that i breathe.
My 'technique' if i can call it that, is to bottle unwanted emotions up and hope never see them again, until im in a straight jacket and safely in a cell, but then i do tend to over dramatized events.
I cannot afford the luxury of sitting with my emotions that ive not successfully dealt with over the years i've been conscious.
Like i said, not again. not this time.
Not when i've finally got a grip on this things that have weighed me down. Not when i've broken free.
It took all the energy i had to get myself out of the thick swamp i almost drowned in. Not again.
I've no energy left, the years have left me a bit jaded and worse for wear. i wish i could say they desensitized me to the emotions I know i do not want to ever feel, if anything, they've only highlighted them in red and made me aware of what to say away from.
And i've tried. God knows i've tried. So hard.
And its not easy! it so isn't!
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