Making amends

As my resolve gradually dilutes, I look into the mirror to find a weathered and beaten face stare back at me.
Where is the eternal optimist? Where did the hopeless romantic disappear to?
They were both shot down by the gun of practicality.
So as I sit here clattering away on this keyboard, I wonder which of these two personnas is really an ideal one to have.

The jaded and emotionally dead personality that I now project and live or the cheery hopeful one that I've left behind.
Each passing day since the 'event' has left me a little worse for wear. This 'event' being all the events that destroyed my innocence and good nature. Those events that made me realize that humans are by essence a despicably selfish race. Those events that taught me the hard way, Conform with the selfishness and coldness or perish.
And I did learn! Boy did i ever learn!
I not only learned the game, but i mastered it. I've mastered the game of subtle manipulation whether in a relationship or whatever. Where does that take me though? Where do i go from here?
Die alone?
Because once you discover this horrendous power, something you've unfortunately and unwittingly picked up along the way, you can't help but use it. You just can't.

And while you're sitting on the rocking chair with a cigarette in hand wondering what the hell you've done wrong to not have anyone to care, love or even inquire about you, you realized this is all self inflicted..
Ahh the confusion.. Self inflicted wounds only surface when it is too late, when you're too old, stubborn and arrogant to make amends.