Childhood Sweethearts and Secret Crushes

Another one of my childhood crushes sets a date to be tied up forever to another man.
Now ordinarily this wouldn't affect and impact most people at more than having interest value. But with me, it is a whole different ball game.
To me, it further points out to the life I used to live. The person I used to be.
As every person from my past, people who I didn't want attachments to in the first place, become unavailable, I feel a further detachment from the person I used to be.

You'll have to realize, at the time of this crush/love, for each and every one of them, I had already had a life panned out. I've already lived in with each of these women, lived the hollywood romance, married them and settled in to waking up with them for the rest of my life. I've already taken them on dates and have imagined what wine they like. Already serenaded them under the moonlight and walked along the beach hands intertwined. Gone for picnics in the park and bought them orchids and chocolates. I've met their parents and cooked extravagant dinners for them.

With every woman that becomes unavailable, I feel one avenue of what could be, closing down. With every woman that becomes unavailable, i find my situation even more desolate and wish I could return to the me that made those plans in the first place.

As I bid farewell to yet another woman who held a special place in my heart, i fully know she's not the last to walk out of my master plan, for there are other master plans involving scores of other women, each of which just waits patiently like a ticking bomb to blow up my sanity.

Each plan that blows up leaves me a little worse off for wear and pushes me more into the abyss than I was before, until the last one to leave hammers in the last nail in my proverbial coffin.

Can I do anything about it? Well, My plan, a modest and childish one at that, is to keep adding to that list so that it never reaches completion. The destruction of the list shouldn't catch up with the rate people are added to it.
And when it eventually does, I'll get to find out how dark the darkness truly is.