I strive to maintain a calm demeanor and a peaceful, healthy and positive outlook towards life. For this, regret is not really an emotion I have the luxury of. True I may indulge in its pleasures and I use this word carefully, but I cannot afford.
I try my best to not let my past catch up with the present. The results would be catastrophic to my very essence. Having experienced this before, I know that the result would be characterized by bouts of depression, with me spiraling all the way to the bottom of the barrel.
I need to grow stronger. Much stronger.
For, after a period of having successfully conquered my demons, I've discovered that I hadn't really truly conquered them in the first place. Some of them still survive in the dark recesses of my weak mind.
Misguided emotions have a funny way of finding your weak spots and going all kamikaze on them. For that is exactly what they are. You're almost never really feeling what is the underlying emotion, only secondary emotions which are a result of the first.
I know this. I've realized it. I've identified the primary emotion and studied it as a subject.
And yet.
Falling prey to yourself is the worst kind of injustice people go through. It is when you body does not allow you to dream, act or think the way you want to, by simply putting in place mechanisms for self destruction. These mechanisms are designed so ingeniously that they almost seem invisible to even yourself.
Will I ever get out of the mental soup I seem to be marinating in?
Most definitely.
Only because at the moment, my entire existence has been dedicated to getting out of this rut. It is only when strength comes from within and when my mind is a fortress that I'll be ready for the world.
Until then, you'll find me sitting in the corner, hugging my knees, rocking back and forth.
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