In a nutshell - In a shell....nut.

I seem compelled to lie in a state of mind numbing static, unable to clutch on the fleeting straws of hope that seem to be fast fading.
When will I be left alone to lie in my own pool of self pity and self degradation so that I may relentlessly ponder over the seemingly absurd paths I've chosen at each of the crossroads of my life and aggrieve my own life by dissecting every wrong decision Ive made and the ones I eventually will.

I've never believed I could ever amount to greatness even through copious amounts of inspirational speeches and words of advice from social allies and adversaries alike. How dare they suggest that I would or worse yet, should willingly deviate from my path of self destruction. I know where I'm heading. I'm heading towards complete annihilation of pure thought and self confidence, probably because Ive been reminded, time and yet again, that maybe self confidence would lead to my eventual downfall.
In a perfect universe, I'd make the perfect paradox.

I crave spotlight and the center stage but shun any means of getting there. I wait for opportunities that I will eventually pass up on for no earthly reason.
My reasoning is always intact and flawless, only to myself. It's the kind of thought process that isn't transferable because years of emotional degradation is transferable in a couple of minutes, or so I convince myself is the real reason. My arrogance and loyalty to this thought process convinces me that this makes me elitist and is the very fabric of what makes me, me. Alas.

I'll never grow out of this state and my personality will always be engaged in a constant war with my sensibility. Its the part of me that craves the spotlight vs the part of me that wants to lie in my own waste in a dark corner overcome with lethargy and self loathing. One personality will soon emerge the winner and although that is a desirable outcome, the war will most likely resulting in chaos and ultimately, the destruction of my mental framework leaving me in mental limbo, locked with all my demons in a state of seamless eternity.